“Paddy”
The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice
demanded to know how many vehicles were operational. Paddy
answered, "We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff
cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in."
There was a stoney silence for a second or two.
"Do you know who you are speaking to?"
"No," said Paddy.
"It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately
referred to."
"Well, do you know who you are talking to?"
"No," roared the colonel.
"Well thank Christ for that," said Paddy slamming the phone down.
“Bill and the Genie”
Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a
Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold a
real Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got three
wishes. The Genie said, "Nope...not these days...I'm only giving
out 1 wish because of inflation. So...what'll be?"
Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want peace in the Middle East.
See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each
other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, man! These
countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good but
I'm not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. So make
another wish."
Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really
don't like my wife. They think she's a real bitch and ugly as
sin. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world
and I want everybody to like her. That's what I want."
The Genie thought for a minute and said, "Hhhmmm. Lemme see that
map again."