So yeah, I know a couple of girls who got pregnant before they got married. One was pregnant with her boyfriend’s child, they kept the baby and got married. The second guy denied his involvement and ran away. She was too embarrassed to go for DNA tests etc., so instead she terminated her pregnancy very early on and hardly anyone ever found out.
My question to you all smart folks is what should a girl do in the second example? How should she handle the situation?
If she is a Muslim how did she get into a situation like this anyways?
Keep the baby. Why kill the baby? Its gunnah. It depends on what culture we are talking about. Are we talking about desis here?
If the person wasn't embarrassed getting in to the deed then why get embarrassed for the DNA testing.
Re: Out of wedlock pregnancies
Yes I am talking about people from our desi community. How they get into this...well, I do have a thread in Parenting about that :D
Well, the deed was done in a moment of weakness. Then the reality sunk in! Do you think the girl will be a social outcast?
Re: Out of wedlock pregnancies
if she has an abortion, who will ever know? she can use it as a way to move forward and change her ways.....all at the cost of taking a life....
Re: Out of wedlock pregnancies
I dont think abortions are right.
However, sometimes I understand why someone would get one...this doesnt mean I agree with it...I just understand and refrain from judging the person or thinking less of them.
In a situation where a rape occured and the girl cannot see herself loving the child because of what happened to her...I get it.
In a situation where neither party is capable of giving the child what he/she needs and are too young/immature to be parents...I get it.
Its not right but sometimes it takes incidents like these to put someone on the right track and help them realize their mistakes.
So true Sara.
Niksik you already opened a thread in parenting as well. I'll hop on to it later :D To answer your question if she is living in U.S.A depending on what city she won't be a social outcast. Yeah maybe an eye sore to some. I think its more embarrassing for the parents than the girl herself.
I personally know three girls like this. One got an abortion done. Another one happened to be involved with her own cousin (this is in Pakistan). Parents found out. Got them married but still got an abortion done. Third one was a nut case I guess. She was in High School. Got pregnant 4 freakin times. Always got an abortion done. Conceived the 5th time. Got an abortion done & was shipped to Pakistan.
By the way I have heard this whole getting pregnant before getting married & killing the baby thing has become common in Pakistan too.
Re: Out of wedlock pregnancies
This is a really tough situation... I honestly have no straight answer to what a girl in the 2nd situation should do. I'm strictly against abortion and of course Islam does not permit it either (unless the mother's life is in danger i believe). But on the other hand the guy has run off and refuses to have anything to do with it. Since we are talking about desis here i'm assuming that her family would kick her out straight away and no other guy would probably marry her either in those circumstances. So basically she has ruined her life forever. I don't know what is worse....
Now to answer the original question. Keep the baby. Find the guy. Get a paternity test done. Take him to court if anything. Get the parents involved. As shameful & embarrassing the conversation might be get them married if possible.
2nd option Keep the baby. Still find the guy. Paternity test. Court if necessary to make him pay child support & wait till you find another understanding guy who is willing to accept your "mistake" & marry you.
Either way aborting is a big no no.
By the way I have heard this whole getting pregnant before getting married & killing the baby thing has become common in Pakistan too.
Out of wedlock pregnancies were always common in Pakistan. Even 20 yrs ago, Sattar Edhi had baby cribs sitting outside his Center in Karachi for mothers to come and drop their kid without any question being asked.
Now to answer the original question. Keep the baby. Find the guy. Get a paternity test done. Take him to court if anything. Get the parents involved. As shameful & embarrassing the conversation might be get them married if possible.
2nd option Keep the baby. Still find the guy. Paternity test. Court if necessary to make him pay child support & wait till you find another understanding guy who is willing to accept your "mistake" & marry you.
Either way aborting is a big no no.
I live in london in an area heavily populated with desis and if something like this happened the parents would never get involved esp with the whole taking to court thing and getting DNA test done as that just implies that she's been sleeping around with other guys which in a way adds even more shame.
I know of one situation where they actually kept the girl locked in the house for the whole duration of the pregnancy from when she started showing. They only sneaked her out for hospital appointments. The parents informed social services and told them that the baby is not wanted. They took her to hospital once she was in labour and the baby was taken into care promptly after birth. They only did this because she was too far gone when they found out. Had they found out before they would have arranged for an abortion.
The same thing happened in a 2nd situation. The parents found out but it was too late for them to arrange an abortion. They shipped the girl off to Pakistan and then moved out of the area. I have no idea about what happened to the girl or the baby.
Abortion is the worst thing possible but to some people they would rather have the gunnah of that than to 'die of shame' in the community.
^ Lipstick I can totally understand that but that's lack of Islamic education. Just because its a fetus doesn't mean no one is accountable for killing it. God forbid If I ever have to deal with such a situation I'll rather think of all the azaab me or my family will get for killing the baby then facing the community. Also again comes the part where us desis forget we are Muslims. Isn't Islam the most forgiving religion. Instead of worrying about our own deeds. We start talking crap about others. Its a pity.
Out of wedlock pregnancies were always common in Pakistan. Even 20 yrs ago, Sattar Edhi had baby cribs sitting outside his Center in Karachi for mothers to come and drop their kid without any question being asked.
Oh okay. Didn't know that. Niksik was talking about abortion I guess. That's just too much.
Re: Out of wedlock pregnancies
paternity tests and holding dad's responsible is something that would only work in the western world- i'm sure there's no such recourse in pakistan. and even then, it would be a long legal process.
and as harsh as it may sound, and as much as i disagree with an abortion, i think it would be better to have no child than one more unloved, uncared for child and yet another teen mom on the streets. i've known girls who've had abortions and they've always done it in secret- in canada, you can visit the hospital or a clinic and they can do it for you and keep it confidential as part of doctor/patient confidentiality.
from what i hear though, its an incredibly painful process and the desi girls i know who have done it have gone thru considerable emotional turmoil, and continue to do so in the back of their minds. they know they've committed a grave sin but they're not sure what to do next or how to repent. given that it happens amongst muslim girls these days too, i wish mosques were more pro-active in our community and offered counselling and guidance, both preventative and supportive. there need to be more women involved in the masjid, i think. it would be very hard to discuss this kind of thing with an imam.
Astaghfirullah. May Allah keep us all from such difficult and harsh choices.
Re: Out of wedlock pregnancies
I'd keep the baby, and send the jerk of a father baby's pictures every month. And on top of that, tell the child, and send 'em when they're older to father's house with a gift for his wife.
Re: Out of wedlock pregnancies
Sign of a failure in Parents-Children communication. Girls and boys both should be taught about sex education, absitenance (first choice) and safe sex (last resort).
Personally I don't think I can bring myself to carry out an abortion but then again I am not a woman. I guess she has the be responsible for her actions and raise the child on her own. She should also make sure the real father of the child pays for his actions.
I think the 2nd girl did the right thing by aborting.
I know Islam forbids abortion... but still it's the most human thing you can do given the circumstance.
Here are the benefits:
1) The guy who ran away was a loser to begin with - GOOD HE RAN his ass away.
2) The girl - after realizing the guys worth - could come to terms that he is definitely a loser who did not stand by her at this time... then of course he will not be there for her ANYTIME.
3) The girl - gets a second chance to start all over again in life. She can still go and find someone worth her time.
Here are the disadvantages of NOT having an abortion:
1) The girl - will have to give up thinking about finding someone else for life!
2) The girl will have to forget her education and career.
3) The girl will have to find an immediate full time job to support herself and the baby
4) The girl will be an outcast not only from society but from her immediate family as well.
5) The girl will have to raise that child alone.
6) the girl will have to worry about getting her kid married since she is already an outcast - who will have respect for her kid?
There are so many more reasons ... it goes on and on...
So I say - having an abortion will get her a second chance for a brand new life.
Drop the loser.
Re: Out of wedlock pregnancies
I don't think an abortion is justified in those circumstances. Why were they playing hanky-panky when they weren't ready to commit and have a family? It's irresponsible behavior, and people need to pay consequences for their irresponsible behavior.
Re: Out of wedlock pregnancies
killl the guy who took off
Re: Out of wedlock pregnancies
The fundamental question here is to ask if product of conception has any respect or not.
Off course it does.
It amounts to murder in many people's book to perform abortion without authentic medical reason.
Just for the sake of selfishness (inconvenience, convenience, shame or whatever) abortion is not justified.
Hence, if the girl was big enough to do the deed, she must pay for the consequences.
It is not just a matter of one individual, it sets an example for others also to deal with consequences and be ready to take the responsibility. And it is not even such a horrible punishment by itself to let her keep the baby and nurture her as a mother. After all she was part responsible for bringing a new life in the world.
And the man is equally responsible. In many cases parents of both boy and girl are responsible.
And to NJMasti: what if he is not really a 'loser' in real terms? One can call him loser figuratively but this should not make him any less responsible so he can get away!
I hope and wish for all that they do not have to get to this difficult situation and have to make painful decisions.
(Not a thread for rape so no discussion from me, perhaps it will need another thread since that is definitely more complex situation)
^ so well said.
SGC you said so many right things.
I just have to point out just because it was an unplanned or unwanted child to begin with doesn't means there won't be any love available for him/her in the real world & there are desi parents who do support their daughters. Yeah they might be really upset at her & the shame she has caused to them in front of others. Yeah people will talk like crazy but then there are also people that understand what happened. It has a lot to do with how the girl reacts to the situation. If she repents & is is truly sorry for what happened Allah will make paths for her & the baby to live happily in this world.
& who said a girl like that will have to drop out of school. Yes life will be tough but if not with the baby but when after the baby is born she can go to school & still work towards her future & provide for her self & the baby.
Also where does it say in Islam that you can't get married to a person who was illegitimate to begin with.
Only if we bother to educate ourselves.
Re: Out of wedlock pregnancies
^ When educated, decent-looking girls from good families can't find a rishta cz they're 26 or so, chances look even slimmer for single mothers, esp those who had the child outta wedlock
plus people have a tendency to get 'offended' if you suggest a rishta that oesn't fit the "mold" or "profile" ("mere liye yeh larka/larki reh gaya???)