There is a desi family that lives by us.. we arent really close. Come to think of it they arent close to anyone. Family looks like a typical desi family w/ three sisters and a younger brother in college.
The other day they came over to dinner and I was talking to the oldest daughter… we have allot in common we are both married, accountants, married and living with mommy. She looked a little upset that day so I asked her what was wrong. What she told me I couldnt have expected in a million years.
Her father is abusive to everyone in the family. She told me how all her life he accused her mother of having an affair with other men.. when he was the one who cheated on her w/ his bhabhi whom his brother divorced. The man is not a good financial provider but sent money to his mistress all these years with out anyone knowing and all his children worked thier way through college. One time that particularly stands out to me what the night of her SATs.. he made a big commotion at home and she got no sleep and had to take the SAT the next day.
She constantly has to play referee between her parents. Protecting her mother and often physically fighting with her dad. It was to the point where he had her arrested on charges of attempted murder. He’s accused her hubby of having and affair with her ammi (astaghfirallah).
Everytime he says that he is sorry and once he even went to therapy for a few months and things were better she said. But he stopped.
Now she is married and wants to live her life but is affraid for her sisters and brother and most of all her mother. Obviously she was quite unhappy when telling me all this.. she’s asked her mother to move out with her but she wont.. the mother wont leave the man for whatever reason. She cant leave her mother.. a vicious cycle.
This conversation occured Sat. I havent had the heart to call her after that..all I could do was listen and cry.. she wanted a solution from me and I had none.
what do I say when I call her? What do you think she should do?
PS I also wanted to consider the religious aspect. Would it be anti islamic for her to leave her family in that situation or does she have the right to pursue her own happiness?
Before she can help the rest of her family, she needs to first help herself. I'm assuming she no longer lives at home? Good! She needs to establish an environment where her siblings and mother will feel safe ... away from the father.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by ~MuNiYa~: *
we have allot in common we are both married, accountants, married and living with mommy.
[/QUOTE]
Mehnaz, I believe that she still does live at home. But I agree, I think she needs to leave, and get herself in a better situation before she can help her siblings and her mother.
one of hte reasons given in islam for a woman to leave her husband is abuse..physical or mental. 2nd.
Abusive situations are hard on the families and create a mentality that makes it difficult to leave…the family needs counseling..how’s your local masjid in providing it?
The mother refuses to leave. Something about the culture we live in and the father already accusing of her having a sinful relationship w/ her son in law... basically her mother isnt leaving.. its like she likes the punishment. From what I know about aunty she doesnt seem to deserve it..but I dont know why she hasnt left the guy yet..
apparently this has been going on for 20+ yrs.
so from what she was telling me.. if she leaves she'd be cutting off ties w/ her family.
As for the masjid.. our hafiz saab is the biggest gossiper ever.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by ~MuNiYa~: *
The mother refuses to leave. Something about the culture we live in and the father already accusing of her having a sinful relationship w/ her son in law... basically her mother isnt leaving.. its like she likes the punishment. From what I know about aunty she doesnt seem to deserve it..but I dont know why she hasnt left the guy yet..
apparently this has been going on for 20+ yrs.
so from what she was telling me.. if she leaves she'd be cutting off knots w/ her family.
As for the masjid.. out hafiz saab is the biggest gossiper ever.
[/QUOTE]
I doubt that she will ever leave the him...this reminds me of my Mamoo's neighbors in Pakistan...the guy was a drunk and constantly beat her and the children, when the children got older they left. They tried to get the mother to leave but she refused. One of the sons used to send her money every month but the husband would just take it and he refused to let her go visit them. My aunt asked her one day why she put up with it and her response was "achon ke saath tho sab rehsakte hain likin mein boray ke saath rehkar dekhaongi...mujhe is duniya ki koi parva nahin hai, mujhe sirf apni aakhira ki parva hai." What does one say to that kind of mentality?
omg shudder do such ppl actually exist? this is scary stuff man. yuck. this family is so messed up. i dont mean to look down on them but i honestly feel sooo repulsed. i feel like throwing up. yuck yuck yuck. ughhhhhhhhh
Muniya, I think you should encourage her to leave and get out of that environment. Like I said above, in order for her to help her family, she needs to first help herself by building/being in a safe environment. You should also get her contact information for various desi organizations that help people in abusive households. I remember Matsui posted information a few months back.
I talked to her but I didnt give her any advice... I dont wanna offend her saying something inappropriate..
but I will email her this thread and some names of the organizations.
Scary how the fubarishtic demon you’re talking about sounds so much like someone else I know.
Anyway, you as a friend are in a pretty tough situation here. I know it’s a lot of pressure, but as a person who someone in such a situation’s confided in, a lot more of a responsibility has been dumped on you, and it’s important you keep that in mind from now onwards. You need to be strong for your friend. When she confides in you, be careful not to cry until you hang up, or you’re only going to make her feel worse. You may not realize it, but I’m sure they need you a lot more than anyone else right now, if only to listen.
When people are subjected to a regular dosis of emotional rape at such short intervals (short IMO being anything less than a single lifetime in this case because really, each incident leaves a stronger impact than we realize both mentally and emotionally), it’s a lot more difficult to walk out and leave (contrary to what the rest of us seem to believe) because it’s a mental abuse, and her self-confidence as well as her dignity is attacked and then diminished almost to the point of being non-existent. It’s most likely not that she “likes the punishment” but that she may actually believe herself guilty at this point (which is possibly worse).
Oh god help all of us.
