Im not one to get into Inlaw issues.. I dont like to get into crap and nuisances…
But what i want to know is… where do so much of these cultural trends come from, or shall i say Jahaalat.. where does come from?
Things like, nands not helping out bhabhis due to pride but wanting to drain everything out of the bhabhi in turn… MILs not helping out when anyone else is around but completely fine with it when alone… SILs treating each other like crap when their friends are around but being totally fine when alone…
who makes these rules? and why are they so important to stick by?
why dont we all just say “hey, i aint gonna do this… im better than this”?
if someone does bad to you, why not just go “i am not gonna do that to anyone” and move on rather than “i’ll do the same when its my turn…”
Older generations of desis tended to be taught things parrot fashion and as lame as it sounds I honestly think this is where the ‘blindly follow’ mentality comes from as well as other issues such as it being seen as a negative to ever question things just because ur parents, grandparents, village or whatever does them..
In many other cultures the BS parts have tended to disappear more quickly as people have felt they’re able to question things they find strange or unfair whilst in ours for example if u confront an elder who is treating someone else like sh*t you yourself will often be blamed and seen as being in the wrong for having the ‘nerve’ to stand up to them
I think there is something that's become part of the culture -- a fear of being taken advantage that's been twisted into feeling that unless you're taking advantage of someone or some thing, you're actually kissing out and not getting what you deserve.
There's also the sense of obligation passed from generation to generation. Like the bhabi/dil may put up with crap all her life but feel that because she has done so, her children (and/or their spouses) owe her and will sacrifice their own happiness in order to please her. So she never really lived to find her own fulfillment, with the expectation that the future generation would fulfill any desires she has. So they put their own fulfillment on hold to please her, until the next generation. And the cycle continues. The only way to end it is to start taking responsibility for your own life and decisions. Treat others with respect, but never allow yourself to be taken advantage of, and cut off ties where the relationship is not a healthy one.
its sad though isnt it. I am hoping to never instill such values in my own daughter and make her a kind person. Most of us who grow up away from Pakistan and not seeing this sort of stuff happening in their family, dont know about these trends. And if any of these people do get married into a family who does happen to have such cultural trends, it can get a bit hard. Me thinks.
I just think, that the generation of today should just quit with this stuff. I mean, most people of today are educated somewhat. Sure, that doesnt stop jahaalat... but i think, even if one is the recipient of such crap (ie the bhabhi) she shouldnt take her frustration out on generation to come.
Culture or stupidity....that's an interesting question.
Looking at your post...you mention that some of the ill-treatment is done out of "pride".....so that makes it seem like more of a personal/individual issue than a cultural one. You also mention ill-treatment displayed at some times....and not at others. So, the contradiction (lack of consistency) also makes me wonder if that would be an example of a personal/internal conflict...rather than a cultural one. We know that Islam does not support ill-treatment of anyone...let alone in-laws.
Hmmmmm.....I think it's a combination of both culture and stupidity. And other factors also play a role in it. Maybe it's because desi culture emphasizes women to be more meek...submissive.....and maybe because girls (from a young age) are made paranoid that any misstep or carelessness on their part will make it harder to get a rishta........the fear of laug kya kahain gay......all these things might have made the in-laws (from the guy's side) feel they have sort of an "upper hand"....and therefore they can get away with mistreatment and the bahu is expected to be submissive because her position is more vulnerable. Could this whole khichri of views be a factor? I wonder if the fact that divorce is treated as such a stigma in our culture......has led to some people taking unfair advantage of this attitude. Example: The girl and her family feeling more pressured to put up with certain behaviors to avoid stigma.....the in-laws using it to their advantage. ALSO........maybe it's the hindering/stifling views regarding women in our culture that causes women to go against each other. Just a thought.
And then individual stupidity also plays a role. This involves inner conflicts. Example: MIL feeling insecure that the bahu will steal her son away. Bahu feeling that she needs to hold her own and enters this sort of weird competition. SIL....thinking that perhaps her brother will be taken away or feeling insecure over the attention that the new addition to the family might be getting. Each and every person not realizing that the relationships are different and can't be compared or replaced....and that they all have different rights. Not working together...failing to give one another the benefit of the doubt....not setting boundaries in relationships....etc etc.
Sorry to say, our culture is moronic. And VERY VERY oppressive. Thank Allah I was born in a liberal family which doesn't follow these "greater" trends.
The practises I dont agree with in our culture...I will not contribute to them either. Meaning, if my MIL tortures me...I wont be taking it out on my bahu. I will make sure to have my own life and never rely on my kids. I will also make sure my daughter gets married into families that dont expect a dime for jahez as she wont be getting any.
It sounds harsh but if we dont break these weird little customs borrowed from Hindus...who will? Who are we expecting to come in and change things? Are we hoping someone else will revolutionize our culture and norms?
A lof of pakistanis abroad don't practice such culture anymore but i have personally noticed a lot of it still being practiced in Pakistan and trust me some of the things are way away from making any common sense but kya karen yahan rah ke in sab baton ka khayal karna parta hai
A lof of pakistanis abroad don't practice such culture anymore but i have personally noticed a lot of it still being practiced in Pakistan and trust me some of the things are way away from making any common sense but kya karen yahan rah ke in sab baton ka khayal karna parta hai
i thought that too but mentalities don't always change by changing locations. ppl abroad just do it in more dignified way.
