Also, try to see your parent's perspective on why he's the perfect guy for you. Or they're just worried that if you reject this one, nothing else will come by?? I also got a rishta from my taya's son before I was married or had met my husband and my parents weren't sure on how to refuse it, or if they should refuse it. My dad consulted everyone (the elders) on my mom's and his side of the family. There were mixed views. Plus, my parents are first cousins so my parents weren't too keen on marrying me into a first cousin.
Eventually they just politely refused. My cousin got instantly married to the girl he liked at his work place. All this opened after my family refused his proposal. Imagine what would've happened had I married him and found out how serious he was with someone else. Also, I got married almost 2 years after my parents refused him. That didn't mean that I wasn't meant to meet my hsuband. I did.. but after sometime.
You can't just let your parents hold you up on this one if you don't feel for it and that you should rush into finding someone else. The perfect guy will come to you himself. Also, Allah makes these matches and he's asked us all to use our head to make our own desicions. If you don't feel for it, don't go for it. But also try to explain to your parents that you can't just produce someone out of nowhere to marry you. It will happen when the time is right.
And yeah, take on everyone else's advice on how to meet someone. Socialize, and also let your aunties and friends and stuff know that you're seriously looking for someone to marry. But remember, this all will come abt when Allah has meant for it to happen... so let time be the judge. Don't panic :)
see and understands your parent's reasoning behind marrying the cousin. WHY are they so bent on having HIM as a son in law. theres gotta be some reason why they are wanting him so badly..who knows, maybe you'll agree with their reasons...have an open mind
if after finding out your parents reasoning you DONT want to marry the cousin, then the only other choice you have is to approach your parents in an honest and friendly manner. you MUST convey your feelings to them. afterall, they are all you have and inshAllah if you maturely tell them your point of view, they will understand. no loving and caring parent would force their child into a relation they are so against. help them understand WHY u dont want to marry your cousin. and plz give relevant and mature reasons that make sense so that they take u seriously. dont whine and moan about it. inshAllah all will be well. there are many fish in the sea, hes not the last guy left in the world. :).........portray to them that you want them to find you other prospects.....DONT venture out on your own and go ''guy hunting''..u dont want to end up liking someone who your parents wont approve of..it will only hurt the situation more.
i say dont make ur bechare parents parashan..if htere is no serious flaw in this guy pleez dont do unescessary nakhray..based on stupid reaonss like 'oh im not attracted to this guy'..when u get to know him ull be..if you had someone in ur life it would be a different story..but u dont, u never did and i dont think one is just ogign to fall in your lap..be mature nd 'jsut do it'..
^ not being attracted aint a "stupid reason" nor is it a nakhra
u have to live with someone for the rest of ur life, imagine not being attracted to them.. actually imagine them knowing u dont find them attractive (read the other thread on this by Janu Jia)
I say, if ur even 2% attracted to the guy and if he is decent and there are no other apparent flaws (cus im sure u'll find a lot anyways), then give him a go
but if ur parents are only accepting the rishta based on the fact they dont think u'll be able to get another one, this means either they just havent tried hard enough, or they think u aint good enough to get a better ristha... OR they do think he's a decent guy and will be able to keep you happy.
There is no set law that u need to marry the first person that proposes to you. Seriously...
where do u live? would ur parents be opposed to finding someone over the internet? I know many girls who have gone down this path and have had successful marriages.
Have u tried talking to him? see whether ur on the same wavelength... Communication is the best thing that could ever have happened to humanity... i think
Meet with him and keep an open mind. That will make your parents happy and it will give you a chance to see why your parents are so enthusiastic about the match.
But after talking to him, if you're still uncomfortable with it, then say no. Explain to your parents that you're not comfortable with the idea, that you would like to meet with other people (with their help) and find someone you are attracted to and feel comfortable with. There are plenty of ways to do this as other members have suggested so I won't get into that.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel attracted to the person you're going to marry. It's a very human thing to want and a lot of Islamic scholars believe that it's a perfectly legitimate and necessary requirement, else the Prophet (PBUH) would not have recommended that prospective brides/grooms have a look at each other before making the decision. And by looking, I mean evaluating each other in terms of what one wants/doesn't want in terms of marriage. It doesn't contradict the other Islamic rule that we lower our gaze.
It might take time for you to find "the one." And in that time, you will probably doubt yourself, ask yourself whether you did the right thing by turning this guy or that guy down, and there will likely be tears. But if you do istikhara, keep an open mind while meeting someone, not get hung up on details, Inshallah, you'll find each other.
Your "one" just may be your cousin. He may not. Consider the possibility. If it doesn't feel right to you, then be firm in your position to your parents and move on. I hope it works out for you.
soni27 lack of attraction is a perfectly halal reason to turn someone down (Islamically, it’s specifically mentioned to have a good look at a ‘potential)’, u shouldn’t be expected to sleep and be intimate with someone u aren’t attracted to at all (physically or to their character), to me that’s kinda sick.
'One of the basic objectives of marriage according to Islamic teachings is that the spouses live a chaste life and fulfil their sexual, emotional, and social needs with as much satisfaction and good as possible. This will assist both of them, Insha Allah, in refraining from unlawful activities and assist them in getting closer to Allah.
The Importance of Physical and Personal Attraction
This objective obviously cannot be achieved unless they both like each other, physically and personally. This is the reason why both the spouses have been advised to see each other before entering into the contract of marriage. The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace), not only allowed this, but emphatically recommended it for those who wish to marry.
Mughira ibn Shu`ba (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that he had proposed to a woman for marriage. The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) asked him if he had seen her. In replying with the negative, the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said to him: ‘See her, as it will help create a better union between you’ (Tirmidhi, Nasai�i, Ibn Majah, Ahmad and Darami).
It becomes clear with the above, that physical attraction is very important with regards to marriage. The spouses should look at each other and be content physically before entering into the contract of marriage.’
i have been put through these cousins scenario, and believe me i would have marry one of them if i was attracted to them and think they would be compatible.
marriage is long term decision that will effect whole life, for better or the worst! so think carefully.
there is also in cousins, because sometime we know them better and also their flaws, we all tend not to like them as marriage material. and i have seen scenarios where people avoided cousins and end up with wrong people. as we do not know other people so well some time , we were shown only the glittering part of them not the flaws or the habits that you wouldnt like in a life partner.
so dont reject him straight away, think long term. think about compatibility issues, also think why you are not attracted to him? do you know him very well to make that decisions or you just saying no for his physical appearance ? if thats the case, there is no cure for that.
if its other issues, then you need to take him just as proposal and give him a fair chance.
for finding someone else in desperation that you want to avoid this cousin, also be careful.
if you think you cant find someone by yourself, ask your parents, family, and friends for other proposals outside the family.
this is reminds me of my situation. i'd marry my cousin(even thought i do not like him at all) b/c our parents are so desperate to marry us to each other. but he doesn't want to marry me either so i really don't know why they are pushing so much....anyhoo u can ask desi friends if they know someone as well. kabhi pata to nahi hota....
