What is the most fastest, cheapest and cost-effective method of banishing Sami from the face of this mother earth? Not just through the express way, but I am mean, just…just…KILL HIM INSTANTLY!? You say, forcing his head down the jam-packed and chock-full of water tub as he miserably screams for his life with his arms flailing wildly in the air? Or rather calmly put a pillow over his head while he is asleep?
The immeasurable energy is rushing through my veins and my blood pressure has literally shot through the roof as I compile this list. Add/subtract at your own leisure:
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Destroy the competition! GupShup has voted, and the unanimous decision has been made in favor! The verdict suggests that almost all of the guppies (bar the ones who stand in the ghaat all day under tremendous heat) have recommended to kill off his competitor sitting alongside the border who is hanging onto his dear life by a very thin thread. Imagine if Some1 Bhai were to assassinate Sir Agarkar in the middle of the street in broad daylight! What would be the result (besides the unlimited quantity of promised land, vast amount of fruitful and ‘pure’ wives and a free pass to the mod room for one complete year)? You guessed it already? Aha! Yes, Sami will have no competition, which means, he will slowly and agonizingly die on his own from exhaustion. You know what they say…Kill the competitor to save the competition. Onto method #2 →
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‘Equipment Malfunction’. Yes, it is possible. Imagine a situation where the night before the actual match, the grass is shaved with a roller blade but in addition to, gas is used an an active ingredient alongwith Carbon Dioxide (CO2) which, with the advent of overtime (repeat the word), is attentively sprayed from the start of Sami’s bowling run-up upto the final mark. Just picture in your head, Sami running in first thing in the morning with his chamakti zulfein on his head, the shiny cherry in his hand and the brand new pair of spikes as his feet starts to catch some of the morning dewness alongside the ingredients that were mixed in the night before. As he approaches the umpire, we can have Darrell Hair ready with a box of matchsticks and a burning stick hidden in the palm of his right hand (since he hardly ever uses this arm against Pakistan), ready to throw on Sami as he comes closer. Even Darrell would have no objection in setting Sami alive on fire right in the middle of the pitch and if Hair of all people is happy to see one less Asian eliminated from the equation, then more the merrier, I say. (Next in line = Imran Farhat, Rao Iftikhar and Arshad Khan, as in order)
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Euthanasia! Yes, God I know you have been looking forward to this term for ages now. Here we go. This thing…Euthanasia…is the act of humanely killing animals that are hopelessly sick or injured. You ask…B…Bu…But Sami, isn’t he hu…huma…KHAMOSH! DAFA DOOR! He is the king of the animal kingdom, no more questions. Euthanasia can be done by destroying Sami’s microscopic brain with a sharp blow to his head, on the middle and just posterior to his eyes. All we need is a live body and a M4A1 Carbine with Silencer. Do I hear a yes? Two raised hands? A handful?
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Freezing! Better believe it. Freezing has now been used for centuries now as a humane method to kill small reptiles under one pound in weight. Imagine if, by a miracle, Sami is sent on a one-way trip to Greenland. How, you ask? I tell you. Since we all know that Sami is prone to trips that are attached with gigantic and luxurious twenty-four hour round-the-globe shopping malls, auntian glazing at the sun and bathing in the sea with their thongs uptight and, oh, I almost forgot; a guaranteed place in the side for next entire series; and knowing his weakness, we will simply tell him before he boards the plane that he can find everything at the destination that he is about to reach in the next few hours (They all will be frozen, of course, but that’s just between you and me). Sami to Greenland, say bye-bye. ** Baraa sa chumma **
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Decapitation! It is often times recommended as a humane and easy way to euthanize reptiles. What is it in real-world? Execution by cutting off the victim’s head. It is a quick and complete severance of head and body, inevitably resulting in a quick and painless death. There are several ways in which one can go about in doing this: it may be accomplished, for example, with an axe, sword, or knife, or by means of a guillotine. Accidental decapitation can be the result of an explosion, automobile or industrial accident or other violent injury. Yes, there is so much profound and unscattered love inside of me that I am willing to do the honors and hang myself afterwards. They’ll be lining up for that, I tell you. “Let me go first!!!” “No, me! I want to go first!”
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Death by a lethal injection! It does not get any better than this. We can simply have Sami insert the needle himself, as to not leave any fingerprints or traces behind. If he asks, a simple “Puttar is ko leney sey teri baal wikton kay beech mein land karey gee” answer will do.
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Putting a plastic bag over his head (which is now possible after his haircut. Before this scene, one might as well have refered to this term as “Put a plastic bag over his hair for a free haircut”).
- Murmurs, singing *
*Jaaney-jigar, jaane-man,
Tujhko hai meri qasam,
Tu jo mujhe na mila,
Mar jaonga mein sanam.
Hoo, rokay gaa hum ko, ab kiya zamana,
Mill kar hamein hai, waada nibhaana.
Jaaney-jigar, jaane-man,
Tujhko hai meri qasam,
Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm mila,
Haa haa haa haa hoo hoo hoo hoo.
*
- Retires from GupShup *
