the more things change, the more they stay the same eh. the more i strive the more i’ll find ways to tear it down. for i dont find my joy in the achievement of success, but in my knowledge that I can get it whenever I want.
every single point in my life that i find myself in a rut its because I caused it. through that sense of satisfaction i consciously glean from solving things at the last minute, planning it out so that when that asteroid is about to hit the Earth Im heroic spaceman planting explosives at the core and flying back home. sure I worry about it while its happening, but you cant have heroism without drama can you? and so i manufacture panic, while waiting for just the right moment, when the whole planet can see the asteroid looming before the horizon, to fire up my engines and save the world. not just asteroids nature flings my way, i sneakily fire at innocent comets passing by to change their direction.
what is fkin incredible right now. is that even this bit of ‘soul searching’ is a device. that storybook that keeps track of my escapades through life needs this bit of context. character development if you will, for my next big accomplishment. suddenly, out of the ashes will rise that brilliant hero who makes everything great again. i just edited out a paragraph i had written because it wasnt nice enough, and the character was developing into a bit of a twit.
but my grand big budget, over invested venture has hit a snitch. the lead actor wants out. im screwed and im sick of jumping through hoops. and the last rescue mission failed, and im even more screwed up. i dont know whats going on. if im making all this up, if things are just screwed and I like to feel good about myself when this happens by pretending theres something complicated in my head like an attention grabbing teen. a lot of people do that. how do i deal with that? if the above is really going on, how do i trust my ‘panicing’ as geniune action inducing panic or setup for the usual last minute rocket boy action. nothing motivates me right now, nothing does.
and im really really running short of time. now is the time when saviour ravage would kick in. and im on atkins so i cant even have comfort food. 
now to proofread for typos..
