Would it be a red flag if a guy or girl apparently takes no interest whatsoever in their rishta?
My cousin met with the parents of a guy yesterday and asked about contact with the guy.. His parents and sis live in Karachi but he’s in Perth, Australia so wasn’t there.. They said he’s ‘very quiet’ and doesn’t want any contact with her yet.. She said the family seemed nice and his sister txted her afterwards but she’s not spoken to him or had any form of contact at all..
Re: Not bothered?
He might just be conservative. Neither my hubby nor I wanted to have contact with each other before our baat-pakki even though I was given the chance twice, by both sets of parents, and his nana pushing us to go and chat lol.
Did the family seem conservative?
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totally no contact at all? sounds weird in this day and age. they should at least exchange a few emails. i am sure your cousin wants to know how he is and if they click. in my opinion, your cousin should try establish some kind of contact with the guy.
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They said he's 'very quiet' and doesn't want any contact with her yet.. .
If the family is SUPER conservative and religion/purdah was being used as a reason for this....then it would make sense. But since the "excuse" for the guy refusing to have ANY contact with the girl is b/c he's "very quiet" would be a major red flag for me.
** Note: Its one thing if BOTH the guy and girl refuse to have contact with one another before baat paaki/nikah whatever b/c the decision is MUTUAL. But in a situation like this where the girl/her family is ok with limited contact but the guy is refusing to have ANY (even supervised contact with elders present)......the girl and her family should really think twice. Even IF the guy's decision on based on being conservative....that itself is a red flag b/c clearly the girl isn't as conservative. So if the guy is so much more conservative/quiet...whatever...compared to the girl.....she should consider how she'll adjust to living with a man like that for the rest of her life.
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so guy might have a girly voice? or stutter? is that what you implying as red flag??
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Deeba I just noticed you put the guy has*said he doesn't want contact yet. If she likes the proposal and the family why doesn't she continue with it and see what happens. It's not completely absurd for the guy and girl to not have contact on only the first meeting, particularly as they're on different continents!
I would only start getting suspicious if the baat starts getting pakki-fied but the guy is like refusing to talk.
Maybe he really is just shy, and once her and the family become more acquainted he'd open up? I say give him the benefit of the doubt for now...its only meeting number one!
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^The guy is going back to Karachi in September by which point they will already have made a decision I think..
The family definitely isn't very conservative or religious.. His mum and sis didn't cover their hair and the sis was also sent to uni in London on her own which is obviously rare even nowadays..
Like Paheli and rosedreams I thought it was a bit strange but then again maybe I'm being a bit paranoid? Another of my cousins was engaged to a guy and wanted to speak to him and he didn't want to.. When he didn't contact her on her birthday she got fed up and broke things off.. We thought he might have been seeing someone else and this is what I was wondering might be happening here as well.. It wouldn't be that much of a stretch to think he might be seeing some girl in Australia, would it? I mentioned it to my mum but she just said (a bit naively imo) 'they're educated people, they wouldn't lie.'
If it's a mutual decision and neither partner wants contact of course there's nothing wrong with that, that's their personal choice but I feel a bit bad for my cousin who wants some sort of contact whilst he apparently doesn't..
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^ So he is refusing to even video chat with her until baat paaki is done (ie. until he gets to Karachi?)? What about her family? Is he willing to video chat with her father/brother etc? And her parents are ok with potentially saying "yes" without ever seeing/talking to the guy?!
The family clearly isn't religious. The guy's sister lived on her own in London....he himself is in Australia. Its weird (to say the least) that the guy is ok saying "yes" to a girl without having 1 single conversation with her.
Given how many "weird" things are discovered after the nikah papers are signed.....I think it's good to be a bit paranoid. When a guy shows 0 interest in a rishta....and religion/purdah isn't the reason, then that's definitely a red flag IMO. Assuming that nothing weird is going on and the guy is just incredibly shy (which I find hard to believe)...even in that case, that also brings in serious doubts about your cousin's compatibility with the guy b/c there are already signs that their personalities are very different.
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Would you like to speak to the girl you might be spending the rest of your life with?.... NO!
Doesn't indicate much enthusiasm for the rishta does it?
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I never even talked to my wife before I got married. First talk was on wedding night. Its memorable. But for some reason, I find this particular situation odd. Has anyone in the family talked to him ? Lets say the girl's parents ? or her sister ? Is he interested in talking to anyone at all ?
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OP, What i got from your posts is that the rishta is not done yet and it is in the process, right? you also said that the guy would come to Khi in Sept. and by then the decision would already be made. to me this is a not a good idea at all to take the rishta decision without actually meeting the guy. if your cousin's family has also not even met this guy, how are they feeling comfortable in saying yes or no to this rishta?
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and to the question of whether it would raise red flag, yes definitely it would. if people are engaged and then decide not to talk during the engagement period for any given logical reason then that is totally understandable but during the rishta process in this day and age every guy an girl would feel like talking or seeing at least once the potential rishta. the guy in question might not be definitely seeing someone else, and his lack of interest could also be because he is not yet ready for the marriage or he wants a life partner with different profile than what his family has selected for him.
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Why would the decision already be made without the girl okay-ing it? Helloooo, it's her life! She should tell her parents to hold back as she's not comfortable with going ahead with anything until he comes to Khi and they at least chat.
If her parents will not listen, then it's a recipe for disaster and I have no advice to offer in such scenarios as it's all the fault of the parents.
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^The decision wouldn’t be made without her okay-ing it.. she seems fine with it.. she liked the guy’s mum and sis and weirdly hasn’t been put off by the idea of not meeting him till September..
Paheli, I totally agree.. My cousin’s a bright girl but I get the feeling she just wants to get married asap.. She’s 24 and has gotten it into her head she’s getting ‘too old’ 
The girls in our family don’t tend to marry eariler than that but she’s said all her friends are either engaged, married or in serious relationships (ie on their way to getting married).. The guy apparently won’t txt or call, let alone video chat..
Gudiaali, no it’s not done and dusted yet.. I think her parents are overly impressed with his family and think there’s no chance of a problem.. I did tell my mum I thought the situation was odd but she just said ‘they’re educated people, they wouldn’t lie.’ They have seen a pic of him and know about him from what his parents have said but not much more.. They’ve gotten his email and phone number but not for my cousin to contact him..
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totally no contact at all? sounds weird in this day and age. they should at least exchange a few emails. i am sure your cousin wants to know how he is and if they click. in my opinion, your cousin should try establish some kind of contact with the guy.
this is very essential ,
it could mean anything even a complete no in other words or repulsion from guy's side.
however repulsion seldom changes to attraction .
so now is the time to check and figure out ,
before any decision is made
Re: Not bothered?
Yea one of my best friends felt/said the same thing when she was 26. Heck she actually married a guy she “dated” for a few months (Pakistani Muslim) and was convinced he was “the one” despite there being major red flags. Today, she’s divorced with 3 kids.
Question: Is her family planning on saying yes (ie. baat pakki) BEFORE the guy gets to Pakistan? Also, I get that the guy won’t call/text her. But is he willing to speak to her father on the phone? I have no idea how any parent can say “yes” to a guy without having 1 conversation with the guy himself (ie. the parents talking to the guy).
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he's saying no contact with the GIRL - not with the girl's family.
sometimes people wait until there's approval from both sides before getting involved as they feel its useless to get to know someone who might not work out for their family. its a common perspective among some conservative families and while i don't agree with it...i can certainly understand it.
i'd say the family members can definitely get involved, do their due diligence, etc. if he wants to wait until things are more final before talking and the girl is fine with that, there's really no harm.