Non-desi guys

[Sahdia77]

Re: Non-desi guys

Jasmine Tea, Insha Allah you will be happy.

[Jasmine_Tea]

Re: Non-desi guys

@Theorist

Of course there are successful mixed marriages but only those concerned about different backgrounds would actually post here. I replied keeping that in mind.

I have multiple examples in my own family. Some worked out, some did not. Not all were due to cultural differences but it still played a part.

What kind of problems did your family members have to face? I am assuming the devil might be in details.

The reason I am posting here is so that I am not going into anything blindly.

[Jasmine_Tea]

Re: Non-desi guys

@Sahdia77

Jasmine Tea, Insha Allah you will be happy.

Thanks Sahdia. The person in question has been extremely respectful and nice.

[lafuriaroja]

Re: Non-desi guys

In my experience I’ve seen that religion plays a bigger part in issues than culture.

For example one of my friends is quite Pakistani in that she loves dressing up in the clothes, watching bollywood movies, listens to the music. Her husband has no issues being involved in some of these activities, he’s mexican himself so she gets involved in some aspects of his culture too. However, she’s not traditional or religious so they don’t have any issues when it comes to being conservative, or fasting, or relating to in-laws, or how they want to raise their kids.

My friends (both male and female) who have had issues have them because of religion. Some examples are:

• what religion to raise kids
• following islam with prayers, fasting, hajj, etc.
• family issues- some of my more religious/traditional friends come from fairly close extended families and see each other frequently, call, visit. For example if my khala or cousin were to visit it would be expected that they’d stay with me, I’d take care of them as my guests, usually pay for the food, etc. It’s not necessarily so common in western culture so I’ve seen conflict around that.
• drinking, going to bars, eating pork
• dressing modestly
• family’s acceptance of spouse- for example for 1 of my friends, her husband ‘converted’ to Islam, but it’s clear he just did it so the family would let the marriage go through, he doesn’t really practise it and although she was ok with it at the time, now she gets very offended when anyone in her family talk about her being married to a non-muslim.

for a lot of these people they did not think of these issues upfront and as time passed became a little more religious and started having these issues. The one friend recently got a divorce because she was married to a non muslim and a couple of years in she just got into religion a little bit more and realized that islamically her marriage wasn’t considered valid.

If you’ve discussed these issues upfront and they’re not a concern then marrying a desi guy is probably no different than marrying a desi guy.

[Jasmine_Tea]

Re: Non-desi guys

@lafuriaroja

In my experience I’ve seen that religion plays a bigger part in issues than culture.

My friends (both male and female) who have had issues have them because of religion. Some examples are:

• what religion to raise kids
• following islam with prayers, fasting, hajj, etc.
• family issues- some of my more religious/traditional friends come from fairly close extended families and see each other frequently, call, visit. For example if my khala or cousin were to visit it would be expected that they’d stay with me, I’d take care of them as my guests, usually pay for the food, etc. It’s not necessarily so common in western culture so I’ve seen conflict around that.
• drinking, going to bars, eating pork
• dressing modestly
• family’s acceptance of spouse- for example for 1 of my friends, her husband ‘converted’ to Islam, but it’s clear he just did it so the family would let the marriage go through, he doesn’t really practise it and although she was ok with it at the time, now she gets very offended when anyone in her family talk about her being married to a non-muslim.

Thanks for that list.

• what religion to raise kids - We agree on religious views, so I am hoping this wouldn’t be an issue
• following islam with prayers, fasting, hajj, etc.
• family issues- this might become an issue because I am definitely close to my family
• drinking, going to bars, eating pork - I’m vegetarian. he’s thinking of becoming vegetarian. I don’t care if he drinks, too responsible for me to be concerned. He’s too nerdy for the bar scene.
• dressing modestly - i might be too modest for a white person, but hasn’t said anything. Lets see
• family’s acceptance of spouse- His family may have some trouble accepting me. I have to talk about this with him some more.

[bella88]

Re: Non-desi guys

@Jasmine_Tea

Ladies here who married/seriously dated non-desi guys, what were some cultural/religious differences that came up? And how did you deal with them?

I am considering a white guy. My family is onboard. But I am concerned about potential cultural differences (and how quickly he might want to move certain aspects of the relationship along, which I wouldn’t).

I come from a regular middle class family so of course they have the same concerns I do. But they are open to me getting to know non-desi guys for serious shaadi purposes.

for me religion wasn’t a big deal as i dont practice any religion. but certain cultural differences can be a bit difficult for families to get over. for example, my family (who are not as ‘liberal’ as me) was invited to my inlaws house for christmas dinner and my mom felt a bit uncomfortable with all the wine being served. but i have had no issues with my husbands italian american culture as i have grown up in US.
personally, i am much more comfortable with my non-desi inlaws compared to my previous ex inlaws who were pakistanis. i never felt comfortable or myself around them.

[tamur]

Re: Non-desi guys

@Jasmine_Tea

Thanks for that list.

• what religion to raise kids - We agree on religious views, so I am hoping this wouldn’t be an issue
• following islam with prayers, fasting, hajj, etc.
• family issues- this might become an issue because I am definitely close to my family
• drinking, going to bars, eating pork - I’m vegetarian. he’s thinking of becoming vegetarian. I don’t care if he drinks, too responsible for me to be concerned. He’s too nerdy for the bar scene.
• dressing modestly - i might be too modest for a white person, but hasn’t said anything. Lets see
• family’s acceptance of spouse- His family may have some trouble accepting me. I have to talk about this with him some more.

If your muslim i think religion is the biggest step since its haram for a girl to marry a non-muslim, also agreeing on a muslim upbringing for your kids. Everything else can be managed after that much more easily

[Jasmine_Tea]

Re: Non-desi guys

@bella88

for me religion wasn’t a big deal as i dont practice any religion. but certain cultural differences can be a bit difficult for families to get over. for example, my family (who are not as ‘liberal’ as me) was invited to my inlaws house for christmas dinner and my mom felt a bit uncomfortable with all the wine being served. but i have had no issues with my husbands italian american culture as i have grown up in US.
personally, i am much more comfortable with my non-desi inlaws compared to my previous ex inlaws who were pakistanis. i never felt comfortable or myself around them.

Did his/your family have difficulty accepting the other person?

[Sahdia77]

Re: Non-desi guys

tamur, I agree it’s haram for practising Muslim females. Yet I know some Muslim females, both online and in real life, who did marry a non-Muslim. Two are friends of mine and both non-Pakistani. I also know one Pakistani female who married a Dutch male, as far as I know, he never became Muslim either and she isn’t a practising Muslim anymore.

Even though I personally wouldn’t want to marry a non-Muslim, I do wish my friends and other Muslim females who have done it, happiness (and of course in my heart I always keep hoping they will both become practising Muslims). It’s their life choice and as long as they are decent humans, I can still accept them, even if they would leave religion all together. The Quran literally says: There is no compulsion in religion.

[bella88]

Re: Non-desi guys

@Jasmine_Tea

Did his/your family have difficulty accepting the other person?

initially my parents were a bit shocked but when they got to know him they had no issues whatsoever. they actually like him way more than they liked my ex who was pakistani. they have come to realize that it doesn’t matter what your race is as long as you’re happy with them. my siblings love him too. his family also never had a problem with me.