Non-Aggressive Passive Mother

Lifestyle Relationships
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Just pray.

That’s the advice i get from her and from everyone in her family. Just pray. No effort.

Usually moms are on the phone with everyone they know and asking around “Hey, I have a daughter this old, do you guys know of eliible matches?” and moms network through a whole network of Pakistani moms to get rishtas for their girls.

I have spoken to a number of my contacts, old friends from college, their families, and some old family friends, I go to networking dinners, I’m on every rishta website there is.

But I feel like my mom puts in zero effort into this. Just a few months ago, while I was talking to IT guy, my family got an interest from a family whose son is in a similar field as mine, so the thought was, it would be nice for the families to meet, because the two young folks can meetup and find a similar ground.

He is 27 though.

So my mom told the intermediate party, that look, my daughter is older - 30 years old, and she is in the middle of some examinations and wont be able to talk for a few months.

Part of the reason they delayed was because of IT guy - they wanted to see if that would work out (and ironically IT guy’s family’s accusation was my parents weren’t interested enough. :rolleyes: ).

So she let it go, never called the intermediate party to follow-up. THAT’S WHAT BOTHERS ME. There is a level of passivity. She says just pray, and you’ll get phone calls.

When I apply for school ,education, jobs, etc, I don’t just wait for a phone call to come through. I put in effort, I send my resume around, I get on the phone and talk to a hundred people before I take an opportunity, I apply for jobs, go through all the processes of exams and what not to get a spot in college, grad school, whatever.

You guys are all students and working folks, so you know the process. You must pray, but God helps those who help themselves.

And this passive attitude, of just pray and it will happen has now bitten me in my butt at work. I prayed, and wasn’t aggressive enough about certain things, and opportunities passed to other people who flat out put more work into things than I did.

So I don’t see the rishta process being all that different. We put everything up to the stars, and God, and instead of working to build networks and bridges so that people can connect, we aggressively gender segregate, make it difficult for young people to meet in a halaal fashion. :frowning:

So.

What do I do with my mom? Just sit there and pray yaseen shareef with her and pray some man falls out of the sky??

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Re: Non-Aggressive Passive Mother

How about you print this blog out and have her read it?

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Re: Non-Aggressive Passive Mother

PCG, have a frank 'talk' with your mom...tel her how frustrated you are with the desi system of match finding...tell her to either find one or you'll go out and look for that elusive Mr. Right 'on your own'! ... sounds reasonable?

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Re: Non-Aggressive Passive Mother

This conversation I have had with her for the past few months, and including when I was talking to IT guy, that she needs to put effort into making friends with his family. Instead, I got the “If it’s meant to happen, it will”, and that’s that. I think partly she thinks that as she is the girl’s mom, she is not supposed to go out there aggressively looking because it makes us look desperate. And partly, she told me the other day her eldest sister, and some buzurks in the family gave her the advice to not seek so aggressively and just let it happen - when it will happen , it will happen, and she was also told to not take any responsibility over IT guy’s family not being happy with us, that it’s their problem and if they really wanted the rishta , as the guy’s family, they should pursue and not make us feel bad about not being friendly enough or showing interest.

I just keep thinking about IT guy I guess, and what if my mom had made some extra phone calls to his mom. His mom called once, on my insistence to IT guy that his family should be making some moves after 5 months of our relationship. And then I had my mother call his when she couldn’t make it to the guy’s bhabi’s home, and promised that she and my father would visit the bhabi after my exams so we could all enjoy the process. After that my mom did not call. And his mom didn’t call.

And I just keep thinking maybe if she made some phone calls, that it would have made his mom feel comfortable, and she wouldn’t have been so quick to end it based on lies by the bhabi that I was rude to the woman. WHICH I WASN’T. :mad:

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Re: Non-Aggressive Passive Mother

I dunno, if I was a girl's mom, I'd be making phone calls. But I guess I'm not into these gender roles, so I don't see why a girl's mom should be any less aggressive than a guy's mom.

You have to pray, but you have to avail yourself of venues and look. She wont do any dawats and she wont go to dawats much, and so we don't get invites to anything, so how will any family know about me??

She says, everyone here knows I have two daughters, if they want to call, they will.

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Re: Non-Aggressive Passive Mother

Tell her: the powers-that-be delegated rishta making to mothers a long long time ago.

You know, she might be doing all sorts behind the scenes. She doesn't tell you because she doesn't want to add to your disappointments. Just talk to her innit.

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Re: Non-Aggressive Passive Mother

straight up fam!

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Re: Non-Aggressive Passive Mother

PCG - I totally understand where you are coming from. My MIL is exactly the type of mom you just described. My husband's younger sister is turning 27 in 3 months and for the last few years, my MIL and FIL have done absolutely NOTHING to try and find a rishta for her. My MIL always says "Well our destiny is written from birth so whomever she is meant to marry, she will." I have to gently remind her "Yes, that destiny is written from birth, but if we never try to move towards that goal, it will still never happen." Allah helps those who help themselves. I just don't understand why she is so laid back about it. I feel this whole situation bothers me more than it bothers my MIL/FIL. Their daughter is approaching her late twenties and that too being a PAKISTANI girl. They really need to get on it. One of the biggest problems is they have absolutely NO social life. My FIL is completely and utterly anti-social. The only people my in-laws socialize with is their own family (siblings only...not even cousins). My SIL also does not do much to make things happen for herself. All her friends are non-Pakistani and non-muslim. She does not have an outlet to actually meet Paki Muslim guys. In my opinion, if it doesn't exist within her social circle, she should seek out opportunities to do so (i.e. join a muslim organization) but she is not into that....so what can I do? I feel like neither my SIL or her parents are doing anything to try and find her a spouse and I am at the point now where I feel like if they will not make the effort then they will have to live with that decision. My mother and I have tried to help but SIL has a very closed attitude so we have now backed off. sigh Oh and my MIL always tries to say things like "All of her friends are a few years older than her and still single so when she is surrounded by these kinds of girls then naturally it influences her lifestyle as well." I'm sorry I don't agree with that. I don't think that just because all of my SIL's friends are unmarried, she also wants to remain unmarried. I know she WANTS to get married, but she is just not PROACTIVE about it. PCG - In your case, although your mom is passive, at least you are very proactive about it. Why is it that you have to get parents involved anyway? Can't you just meet a guy on your own, go out a few times, see if you click etc. and then when you decide y'all want to get hitched, only then involve the parents?

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Re: Non-Aggressive Passive Mother

My parents are like that. In their opinion, everyone can see they have a daughter and they will not put her on the meat market unnecessarily. Other family members were more pushy. Although, when potential suitors did come, they were always more than welcoming to them and their families. Appreciate your parents for valuing you and having a decent amount of self respect instead of thrusting you to the wolves. Although they should be more accommodating else they might be viewed by the community as generally not being interested because their daughter is too parhi likhi, choosy etc. They should return phonecalls and maybe even to the 27 year olds family to see if they are still interested.

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Re: Non-Aggressive Passive Mother

That's what IT guys family thought of my mom

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Re: Non-Aggressive Passive Mother

...wow. Really? This actually happened?

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Re: Non-Aggressive Passive Mother

Dont worry PCG, you’re not the only one. My mother is the same. She is actually a very anti-social person, while my dad is very social. He knows loads of people around, but that doesnt help much when the woman of the house isnt involved with those families, because such things do take place through the women normally. My mum is actually so conservative about this whole issue that she doesnt want my dad to mention us if someone in his social circle is looking for a suitable girl. Reason? “It makes us look bad and desperate” :rolleyes: We live in EU, but I think mentally my mother thinks she is still in Pakistan. sigh. So dont worry, there are some people out there who have even worse odds than you in the rishta marked :wink:

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Re: Non-Aggressive Passive Mother

Now I’m wondering how my mom would have been through a rishta process with me :hmmm:

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Re: Non-Aggressive Passive Mother

My friend's parents were exactly the same way. After 2-3 years he realized his parents simply will not be able to find him a rishta, and he decided to become more proactive in his search. He created his own profile on shaadi, got his elder brother and bhabi more involved and brought in parents only when things moved past a certain stage (i.e. only if he liked a girl and vice versa). It worked out better actually - he was engaged within a year, and will be married this Dec.
Is there someone else in your family who can sort of take your parents role? Like an elder sibling, aunt, uncle etc? It helps things move smoothly if there are elders involved.

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Re: Non-Aggressive Passive Mother

Nope. I'm on my own. Most family is in Pakistan. The chachees here I would not trust with my jooti. Jeez spell check on a phone is so irritating. My uncle and his family are a bunch of mail is. They show me to desi bearded vs of Santa clause's each time they get.

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*maulvi, not mail

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Re: Non-Aggressive Passive Mother

maybe your mom just has too much on her mind and doesn't want to ruin things for you by interfering so she is leaving it up to Allah. try talking to her (nicely) and maybe guide her on how to be proactive.

didn't you move recently? try to join a social circle or ladies group or cooking class or gym or something. do you have any married cousins or friends? young couple neighbors who can introduce you to others?

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Re: Non-Aggressive Passive Mother

I dunno, I'll probably be moving again, so who knows. Yeah I could get together with other people, but my friends are mostly people who don't have much connection themselves. I have one ahmadi girlfriend - can't marry with any of her connections. I have one guy friend here who everyone is pretty sure is gay. So that's limited. The rest of my college friends are dispersed across the country, and I could just spend lots of $$ visiting them, but I dont have lots of $$.

Mosque? They are completely segregated here, no events for young people. They have school for little kids, I could go sit with the little kids and be a total cougar but that would be sick. Or I could ask the little kids if they have uncles who happen to hate their wives, which would also be sick.

:)

Our community is dispersed across the country, and with the strict gender segregation at most masjids, it's hard to meet people of the opposing sex.

And it's not just me. Everyone I meet and talk to online, which is the place i meet the most people sadly, say the same thing. Lots of single people spread around in grad programs, random jobs in the middle of nowhere, and even if in big cities, still pretty disconnected.

Like, the last guy I spoke to had no idea what ISNA was, and that there are matrimonial events annually through ISNA, and that there are local groups where he lives that do meetups for young singles - and he's in a big city. He was totally clueless about this, and would complain to me that the ladies section is totally sealed off, so he can't even check out the ladies in the masjid. He would have to send his mom into the ladies section, and of course, no one is good enough for her son.

I think this is a pretty common problem. Add to that people's work hours, and the fact that socializing requires you to force out time, depending on what you study or do.

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Re: Non-Aggressive Passive Mother

My mom is the aggressive type and will do everything in her power lol. It doesn't help that my parents don't really socialize that much so they don't know a lot of people. Anyways I do remember my mom was aggressive with my rishta process.