Normalize your expectations
Whether you’re a teenager mortified by your dad’s falsetto crooning of disco hits or a grownup grappling with the overbearing aunt who still treats you like a 15-year-old, you’ve likely found yourself wishing you belonged to a nice, regular family.
Cheryl Dellasega, Ph.D., a professor of humanities and women’s studies at Pennsylvania State University and author of the forthcoming Forced to Be Family (Wiley, 2007), says that’s your first mistake. “Abnormal is the new normal,” she says.
Your road to better relationships begins with the realization that sure, maybe your family’s messed up — but so is everyone else’s.
As Leonard Felder, Ph.D., author of When Difficult Relatives Happen to Good People: Surviving Your Family and Keeping Your Sanity (Rodale, 2005) explains, mixed feelings, resentments and emotional baggage are all typical issues in families.
“Once you realize you’re not alone in having some difficult family issues, you can stop wasting time wishing you were the Brady Bunch,” he says.
Accept your lot
Next, realize your relatives are who they are — and their idiosyncrasies aren’t a conspiracy to make your life miserable.
New York psychologist Karen Sherman, Ph.D., co-author of Marriage Magic! Find It, Keep It, Make It Last (Authorhouse, 2004), says to remember nobody’s perfect: “People’s imperfections come out of their limitations. Have compassion.”
Dellasega advises managing your expectations. “We expect so much of our families: They should always be there to support us, never question our behavior and welcome everyone connected to us. That’s a pretty big request,” she says. “Figuring out what you really need and want from the relationship, then trying to make it happen, leads to acceptance.”
For example, try writing down five expectations for each relative — then cross off three from each list and focus on the remaining two items. “Maybe you can put up with your mother-in-law’s well-intended toilet-training advice if she’s a reliable babysitter,” Dellasega says.
Social psychologist Susan Newman, Ph.D., author of The Book of No (McGraw-Hill, 2005), agrees: “You need to focus on the positive, not dwell on the things that drive you crazy. Acceptance takes the friction away.”
Practice proven coping techniques
OK, so you can’t pick your relatives, and you can’t change them, either. But you can change your own responses to behavior that drives you berserk — which can change the whole dynamic.
“Most people can write the script of the fight before it happens,” says marriage and family therapist Karen Gail Lewis, Ed.D., author of With or Without a Man: Single Women Taking Control of Their Lives (Bull Publishing, 2001). That means you have the power to revise it: “You can not respond, respond in a different way, change the subject or be humorous about it. You’re prepared.”
How should you alter your script? Newman suggests these four strategies for dealing with relatives who drive you nuts:
Stay away as much as possible.
Be with them in groups.
When they hit a hot button, refuse to discuss the issue.
Ask another relative to bail you out.
Felder also advocates alliance-building. “Find at least one other family member you talk to ahead of a family event to say, ‘Let’s back each other up at this next gathering, either by making eye contact or by speaking up when the other person is getting slimed.’”
Whatever you do, don’t invite the behavior that bothers you, says Sherman: “The more you pick up the rope, the more you fuel that situation.”
Avoid embarrassment
Dad may initiate his public displays of tone deafness without encouragement. So what’s the best way to react to your relatives’ humiliating behavior?
You can ask your kin — especially a parent or someone you’re close with — to stop: They often don’t realize they’re embarrassing you, says Newman, and if you politely request they don’t do it, most will respect that.
Of course, Dad might be the type who, knowing you’re ashamed, will just sing louder. If that’s the case, Lewis says not to egg him on: “The less you say, the better.” Either way, "Tell yourself, ‘It’s not a reflection on me,’ " she says. “If you can walk away, do.”
Help yourself through humor
How many times have you thought, “If I weren’t laughing, I’d be crying”? When my family’s at its craziest — from my aunt’s free-associating phone conversations to more serious mental health issues — comic relief can seem like my only ticket out of the funny farm.
But is it healthy to make fun of your family? “Absolutely,” says Sherman. Humor helps you detach from emotion and maintain objectivity.
“I encourage creative game playing,” she says. "Our family would set up a pool: ‘How many times will Aunt Susie say so and so?’ "
Just don’t let amusement turn into derision. “It’s not healthy to ridicule your family or use sarcasm, because these are forms of aggression that hurt another person’s feelings,” Dellasega says.
Instead, follow Felder’s advice: “Silent humor is a great tension release that helps you feel adult and powerful, rather than trapped and powerless,” he says. “For example, at a family dinner where people are getting on your nerves, you might say silently, ‘Isn’t it wonderful that we don’t do this too often?’”
No One’s Family Is Normal - In-laws and extended family - Revolution Health