Re: No love after arranged marriage
Diwana
Divorce social stigma is not over rated. Are you divorced? How would you know what people have to deal with once they are?
What he did was wrong and now he owes it to this girl to at least try his best to make it work.
Re: No love after arranged marriage
If a woman can't do the best she can do, than I think there is no point blaming that poor guy. God gave charms to women for nothing.
Re: No love after arranged marriage
very confusing situation.
I understand him very well. It's very difficult to say 'no' to a rishta when your parents are putting pressure on you to get married. Especially when your parents are dominant and mostly you weren't used to being allowed to make your own choices in important issues. Sometimes it can be very difficult to make your parents understand your choices. Then you have to do something drastic to make them understand that you don't want something. Even in Islam, parents aren't allowed to force their children in marriage. Each family is different. There really are parents who are difficult in these matters. It can take time (perhaps months or years) before someone has enough courage to say 'no' to the parents and realise that that's the only way to prevent life from becoming worse.
I think he should talk to his wife about everyhting. They should try to understand each other. Perhaps get to know each other better. If it doesn't help, they could divorce before making life more miserable for each other. They have a chance to be happy with someone else who better suits them. His wife should be capable to understand that you can't tell someone to be in love with this or that person. It just happens or it doesn't. If they can develop a nice friendship though and if they like each other enough, they could still remain married and even be happy together if they both accept that. Only love isn't enough in a marriage, husband and wife should be able to be good friends as well.
Besides, the word love is a bit overrated, isn't it? Certain husbands say they 'love' their wife, but treat her negatively. To them, it's love, while in reality, it's only posession and control over their wife while making her miserable. Love isn't necessary in a marriage. Friendship, respecting and understanding each other is more necessary I think.
Hello beautiful people.
A friend of mine (male) had an arranged marriage about 4 months ago, they are not living together yet due to their jobs, but they will be from jan'feb, anyway he has been very upset and withdrawn ever since the marriage and when i talked to him he told me briefly that:
when he met the girl there was nothing to say no about, she was pretty, religious, good family and education and seemed to have nice manners and so he said yes, no she is still polite with good manners etc but he does not feel anything for her at all.
She has told him how he feels about her but he doesnt say it back because its not fair too and she is now very upset and so is he because he is upsetting her but at the same time feels she is not the girl for him.
He has fallen out with his parents over it because his parents are angry with him for being this way:S which i dont understand!
Any advice people? Im not married so i dont have THAT much advice.
Do you mean next year Jan/ Feb?
Lack of trust issues can turn anyone (male or female) off. The girl needs to understand that the guy can't lock himself at home from the outside world and nor can he walk around with his eyes closed. He will come across women in the work place. And he might have to collaborate with female colleagues in group projects. These scenarios don't necessarily mean that he will develop romantic feelings toward these women. There needs to be trust. And it's unfair of her to demand that he stop hanging out with his friends. His friends were in his life before she ever entered. Married couples need to maintain friendships outside of each other. The KEY here is BALANCE and not to be on extreme or the other. Preventing friendships reeks of insecurity and that can be a huge turn off.
NOW....moving on to the GUY! Is he not aware of desi culture? Does he not know about the huge SOCIAL STIGMA attached to divorce? You said that this guy doesn't like to compromise. Okay, so that indicates he is stubborn. So, if he's stubborn........then why was he not strong enough to stand up to his parents and tell them that he wasn't going through with this rishta? That was pretty spineless. And now it's selfish of him to only think of how he is being affected and not consider how this will have a greater impact on his wife.
Alvena, based on the little information that you've provided us with, it seems to me that **BOTH **of them are doing or not doing things that are hurting their relationship. So here are some suggestions to reflect over:
1) Marriage is a HUGE adjustment for both parties and it's unreasonable to expect that things will be sailing smoothly from day 1. Plus, in an arranged marriage, where two people don't know each other, there will obviously be some awkwardness. So.......if they haven't been married for too long.......they both need to understand that adjustment and comfort take time to develop. And it's too soon to throw in the towel.
2) Do you know the girl? If you did, then you might be able to give her some suggestions. The guy needs to reflect over what it is about the girl's behavior that is turning him off. If she's being too controlling........then he needs to calmly discuss this concern with her. He can hang out with friend.........but make it up to her by taking her out the following day. He doesn't have to forget about his needs. He needs to learn that he can do what he wants with some compromising and consoling so that she doesn't feel rejected.
3) The guy is not being specific when he says that he doesn't feel anything for her at all. What is he EXPECTING to feel? What does he want to feel? Is it passion, arousal, interest, humor, affection, curiosity, WHAT? He needs to understand that you can't be in a constant mood all the time. One week you might be content, the next week you might be sad. Similarly a marriage can't always be happy and romantic. This guy needs to figure out what exactly his expectations are and he needs to keep them REALISTIC!
4) Is he making the effort to reciprocate in the marriage? Is making the effort to talk to her, spend time with her, go out with her? Perhaps the two of them are stuck in a boring routine. Perhaps they should take a vacation. Or go out places. Surprise each other with kind romantic gestures. Try involving each other in their lives/interests.
5) If the girl is breathing down his neck, she needs to loosen up. She needs to be more confident and trust him. She needs to give him a chance to MISS her a bit (some light playing-hard-to-get). They **both **need to work on compromising and patience. If the guy is still frustrated, then consider advising him with Islamic references or perhaps refer him to an Imam. Or perhaps he should seek advice from his married friends.
That's the best I can come up with. Can't think of anything else to add. Best wishes. :)
He is not from desi culture he is from morrocco, but their culture is very similar.
Its a complex situation because i think he is just to immature to be married, but he is the eldest son and his parents are dominating and controlling and emotionally blackmail him saying they will be disgraced and punished by god because of him etc...he told me this today.
Ok so what he expected from marriage is.....not what he got. What he wanted is to sort of islamically date her, the fun of getting to know her, shyness, butterflies, the chase, he wanted to take things slow. The girl sort of got comfortable straight away sorting out housing and bills and also saying i love you in 2 weeks which really scared him because he didnt have time to fall for her.
Someont asked me if this is next year, yes it is.
I dont know the girl so i cant speak to her and i cant contact her because she will be angry that i am friends with him and he is talking to me about this stuff.
He does actually make an effort to spend time with her, he travels every 2 weeks to see her because he does care for her as she is nice to him, but he doesnt want a 'formal marriage' where you are fullfilling a job description.
AHH so confusing!
Sometimes i feel like saying that you have not had ruksati so there hasnt been any physcial contact so separate now its not too late.
Sometimes i feel like slapping him and saying grow up!