the problem is that we have been married for 5 years and no kids yet. the problem lies with my hubby, whom i love more than my life.
My cousin and her husband had twins after maybe more than 10 years. I know this girl who has been married maybe more than five years…pursued another degree/major…and now is preggers with her first kid. You’ll have a baby when it’s meant to be. Be patient.
i have 3 problems that have me at my wits’ end:
- HOW do u respond to nosey people who keep asking me, “so its been so long now, what is your plan?” i have half a mind of giving them a snappish response like, " its none of ur business" or “how do u think u can possibly contribute to what happens behind closed doors in our bedroom?” or, “u do know that this is something so personal, that the Holy Prophet likened one who reveals bedroom secrets to the public meeting and mating of 2 devils on the street”. but i just bite my tongue, swallow my pride and my tears, smile, and say, “whenever Allah wills”.
**It’s a problem that seen all across the board, but desi culture in general seems to be very LAX about these matters, hence the tactlessness. Your response to them is fine. If you want to send them an even firmer message, you can say **“Well, thank you for your concern. But asking me WHEN I’m going to pop out a baby is not going to make me get pregnant any faster. I believe things happen according to Allah’s will. So, InshaAllah, whenever it’s meant to be.” That should make them feel slightly stupid for asking. Or say something like, “Unfortunately I don’t go around with an exact time schedule on when I’m going to reproduce. More power to you if you can manage it. Whenever Allah wills.”
it is mostly because most of these people are from my inlaws circle that i dont say anything. (my parents, his parents and his siblings know the problem - but we decided not to share it with the whole family/ friends circle. it is just none of their business). but i need a way to cope with these questions - they are not incessant, but they do come up and i wish they wouldn’t.
Give the same response as mentioned above. It’s all about HOW you say it. If you say something with a smile or a chuckle…it seems less rude…whilst also sending a message. You can’t change your in-laws or anybody else for that matter. Can’t control what’s going to fly out of their mouths. But you can control your attitude and reaction to them. Just don’t let it get to you. Would fretting about their tactlessness help you in conceiving a child? Stress hinders health in many ways. Just relax, have faith in Allah, take care of yourself, and make your marriage stronger.
- i have developed a serious spending addiction - almost to the extent of being a shopaholic. it is just for the high that i get from my shopping - it just makes me feel better - that my life is less empty thanks to whatever new outfit/shoe/bag i have just bought. i havenet spent our savings - but i do spend almost ALL my salary every month and i know it is not justified, but i cant seem to stop myself.
Set a budget for yourself. Rather than focus on material things to fill up a void, focus on strengthening relationships. Instead of hitting the mall, find other ways to keep yourself busy. Seek peace through namaz, read Quran, go to the masjid. Pursue a hobby (NOT SHOPPING.. Take a class (yoga, dance, sewing, pottery, etc). Do some volunteer work. Go to the gym. Exercise boosts mood. Read a book. Etc.
- i have developed an addiction to food. i CRAVE food. i will just get my hands on anything and everything i can. i will order 5 zingers and eat them in one go. i will buy the largest packet of chips i can find, and eat it in hiding, of all places, in the loo (yes i am too ashamed to admit it, but i need help seriously). a large cheese cake will vanish into my ever expanding girth within an hour. if nothing else, i will just gorge on toffees and chocolate. i am ashamed to admit i ate a whole large pizza and still wanted to eat more. i am growing fatter by the day and i just cannot put on the brakes. the only recompense is, if i go shopping, i dont eat. but thats a pretty expensive solution to the problem! and i know all about healthy eating and fruits and what not, dont tell me that. i need some emotional rules set out here to control myself.
I’m not an doctor, but I’ve read that weight can affect conception/pregnancy. So, take care of your health. It’s a gift we take for granted. I believe that the Prophet SAWS advised that only 1/3 of your stomach should be filled with food, 1/3 for water, and 1/3 for air. Many health problems are the result of a poor eating habits. We don’t realize it, but health affects our self-esteem, our relationships even. The more in shape you are, the better your feel, the more energy you have. **Try eating healthy foods that will fill you up so you’re less inclined to overeat. Occupy yourself with other activities. Exercise can help suppress appetite and also alleviate mood. **
its an endless spiral - i feel depressed and i eat/shop. i look at myself bursting out of my clothes, feel worse, and eat even more. i even have 2 exercise machines at home, just someone give me the motivation.
**You realize that you have a problem…so you’re not that far gone 
It would be worse if you didn’t recognize your addictions. Now that you know, just start working on them. InshaAllah you will have children in the near future. But children require parents who have a strong marriage and are healthy. So, keeping that in mind, take better care of yourself. But don’t make children the sole purpose for it. Make positive changes for yourself. Hurting yourself is not going to make anything happen faster. Sometimes things happen when we don’t try so hard to go looking for them. Know what I mean? Just relax. Calm down. Pray. Occupy yourself with healthier activities, strengthen your relationship with your husband. Take a break, take a vacation. Things will happen when they’re meant to be…and who knows? Maybe faster than you think.
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