Re: no backbone?
There’s a difference between liking the guy and being in love with him. And you might even feel that you like “like” him because you spent so much time with him. I’m surprised that your sister is happy in her marriage to your brother-in-law when he seems so domineering. I don’t know if he treats her in the same manner…or if she is comfortable with him having him in control. He’s 25…he’s an adult…and it seems that he’s in the habit of letting his brother tell him how to live his life. And his older brother, who is also an adult, is used to running the younger brother’s life. For them it seems almost like a way of life. I dunno…old habits (especially the bad ones) tend to either die hard or not at all. Yes, change for the better is not entirely impossible, but I wouldn’t enter a marriage based on this hope. People don’t change easily. And who knows? Althout it takes two people to make a relationships…his failed marriage…might have…to an extent been a problematic one because of his attitude.
How do you move on? You do that yourself. You decide if you even want to move on…and you have to make the effort to stop the negative self-talk…and have the will power to move forward and concentrate on more positive things. Don’t wait for your sister and brother in law to help you move on. Doesn’t work that way. Other people may never change their attitudes or move past their grudges. That’s why you sometimes have to rely on yourself for the closure and moving on. You can apologize for hurting their feelings…but if they can’t forgive…that’s their problem. In the event that they hope their nasty attitudes will pressure you into surrendering to their wishes…don’t give them the satisfaction, that’s juvenile. As far as your sister is concerned…I understand she wants what’s best for you…BUT…does she really believe that forcing a marriage on you would make you happy? Does she really think that going through with something you’re feeling suffocated by will make you happy? Does she not realize that your misery will make everyone else unhappy as well? Is she more concerned with her husband’s wounded pride? Not a very sisterly attitude on her part. I wonder if maybe her husband is annoying her with complaints about you…and thus she feels pressured. Just a guess.
It would be more difficult if your mom also supported your sister. I think that a parent’s approval carries more weight than your sister’s. And your mom never liked the idea of this rishta from the get-go. This thought would provide me some comfort…and you can at least turn to mom for some support. I say…tell your sister and BIL that you’re sorry if you’ve hurt them…and calmly explain that being miserable is only goint to create problems for everyone later on. And don’t get involved in verbal lashback with them. That would only give them ammunition to use against you. Take the higher road, be the bigger person, be polite…and live your life.
redvelvet you are so right! even though I will speak to BIL and my older sister once the dust has settled. And i will tell them that i do not want two families to drift apart like that! I will apologise to them for hurting their feelings. BUT I know it will make no difference to them. Once they hold a grudge, they go to all lengths to cause that person misery! I am just dreading their next tactic, I know they have many tricks up their sleeves…
