nikah validity..

[Paheli00]

Re: nikah validity..

... i told him im not sure of our marriage anymore. adn need some space, coz after d call he kept texting me daily.... mayb im weird but that made me even more angry. so i told him, i want my space and i need to time to think... 2 days later again: how much time do u want, coz im feeling very insecure coz were not communicating.... pffffffffffff He does not want to end things wid me...he made that clear... ...

Ok I'm going to say this simply b/c it definitely happens....and I don't know details of this situation. How badly does he want to get out of Pakistan? As in was it his idea or your idea that HE immigrate to Germany? If this marriage ended right now, is there any other way for him immigrate out of Pakistan?

Based on how quickly he "dropped" you once already......I think you (and him) really need to be honest with yourselves....and each other about WHY both of you want to continue this marriage (assuming that's what you two want). I would hate for you to have any major regrets after the ruksati or worse....after motherhood.

[mekomal]

Re: nikah validity..

Omg Funky nails this is sort of my problem too. I am 19 years old and am nikkad, no consummation. Now that he is in the states, he has made my life hell. My parents realize it too, and I want to end it. I cannot bear the pain that he has already put me through, and cannot imagine the fact what he might put me through. I really want to end it, but my parents are consistently saying no he will get better. I don't even know what to expect anything from anyone anymore.

Sabs, i am really sorry for what you are going through. If your parents have realized that he is making your life miserable, then why are they saying to you that he will get better?
How is he actually making your life hell? And did he used to be different before he came to the states?

[mekomal]

Re: nikah validity..

Ok I'm going to say this simply b/c it definitely happens....and I don't know details of this situation. How badly does he want to get out of Pakistan? As in was it his idea or your idea that HE immigrate to Germany? If this marriage ended right now, is there any other way for him immigrate out of Pakistan?

Based on how quickly he "dropped" you once already......I think you (and him) really need to be honest with yourselves....and each other about WHY both of you want to continue this marriage (assuming that's what you two want). I would hate for you to have any major regrets after the ruksati or worse....after motherhood.

Well, obviously he will not be able to immigrate to Germany if the marriage ends. Maybe that's the reason why he feels insecure now and wants to settle differences with FunkyNails. I am just afraid that things might get worse again if he comes to Germany. . .

[funky_nails]

Re: nikah validity..

ok 1.5 month further....

situation betweens us got better to perfect...

and today he burst again:2 days ago he asked me about my previous love life after telling me about his (1 short relation in which he wanted to marry). my answer was: didnt have a bf/relationship but did like someone. he says: did u want to marry. i said: i guess i liked him enough... but its long time ago... several years. so not anymore.
today he saw pics of a holliday of mine in which ive taken pics wid male friends..sitting next to eachother.. not hugging/touching whatever..., pics have allways been on my fb page... he cud have seen them before. but he saw them yest.

the bomb burst when i was at work, he called me saying i was a european girl and ive lived my live and now i want to marry. asking who are those men on the pics?...he went on.... all of sudden saying: u had relationship for many years (referring to d guy i like which i told him about)...
i came home n talked to him, asked him what he wants from me... since ive already told him there is no past and d pics were not hidden... he starts asking me about evry single pic, he wanted explanation... i didnt give it coz i was pissed off by it.
then he went on on and on... saying i dont want u to hug ur cousin brother either after marriage (who are 10 years younger)..
he said has ur mom n dad seen the pics? (seriously?!).. im going to call ur dad (but he's chicken, it was just a threat, and if he would do so he would make a fool of himself.) and now i didnt show d pics to my parents, some info is just not needed. they knew i was on holliday, that was enough for them to know. and they trust me (had been looking for rishta 3-4 years)
he just doesnt understand i cant fight wid him at work (he thinks i enjoy work so much that i neglect him, and forgets im a doc and am freakin busy! and u shudnt take ur personal life to work arrrgggggggggggg)

ok now my bad side:
-i cant handle it when he gets in my personal area... its none of his business if i had relationships or not...
-i get very annoyed when he asked me explanations for evry lil detail... saying they were friends is not enough for him i know that, but i dont want to give any more explanation coz im not doing anything wrong.
- what the hell am i supposed to say?

the convo we had 2 days ago, was amazing by the way.
am i stupid to tell him this? i feel he tricked me into it.

PS i feel like cursing

[funky_nails]

Re: nikah validity..

oh i came home and talked to him on skype, hes in pk/.

[cpa2011]

Re: nikah validity..

ok 1.5 month further....

situation betweens us got better to perfect...

and today he burst again:2 days ago he asked me about my previous love life after telling me about his (1 short relation in which he wanted to marry). my answer was: didnt have a bf/relationship but did like someone. he says: did u want to marry. i said: i guess i liked him enough... but its long time ago... several years. so not anymore. today he saw pics of a holliday of mine in which ive taken pics wid male friends..sitting next to eachother.. not hugging/touching whatever..., pics have allways been on my fb page... he cud have seen them before. but he saw them yest.

the bomb burst when i was at work, he called me saying i was a european girl and ive lived my live and now i want to marry. asking who are those men on the pics?...he went on.... all of sudden saying: u had relationship for many years (referring to d guy i like which i told him about)... i came home n talked to him, asked him what he wants from me... since ive already told him there is no past and d pics were not hidden... he starts asking me about evry single pic, he wanted explanation... i didnt give it coz i was pissed off by it. then he went on on and on... saying i dont want u to hug ur cousin brother either after marriage (who are 10 years younger).. he said has ur mom n dad seen the pics? (seriously?!).. im going to call ur dad (but he's chicken, it was just a threat, and if he would do so he would make a fool of himself.) and now i didnt show d pics to my parents, some info is just not needed. they knew i was on holliday, that was enough for them to know. and they trust me (had been looking for rishta 3-4 years) he just doesnt understand i cant fight wid him at work (he thinks i enjoy work so much that i neglect him, and forgets im a doc and am freakin busy! and u shudnt take ur personal life to work arrrgggggggggggg)

ok now my bad side: -i cant handle it when he gets in my personal area... its none of his business if i had relationships or not... -i get very annoyed when he asked me explanations for evry lil detail... saying they were friends is not enough for him i know that, but i dont want to give any more explanation coz im not doing anything wrong. - what the hell am i supposed to say?

the convo we had 2 days ago, was amazing by the way. am i stupid to tell him this? i feel he tricked me into it.

PS i feel like cursing

why would you tell him about your past? You know how pakistani guys are, actually all guys in general, NEVER NEVER NEVER tell them about ur past, even if its just "oh I liked this actor on tv" Dont say that. Pakistani guys can't accept that girls can make mistakes, or that girls are human and could crush on a guy. Also, why would you have pictures like that on fb anyway, take them off. Ofcourse he tricked you, all guys say that oh whatever your past was, I don't care it was your past. Then you tell them something, and they hold it agaist you for 10 years. Everyone has a cousin who has gotten tricked like that. Anyway, this guy seems like a jerk, but don't break it off just yet. Think about it carefully, yes your a doctor, but you 27/28, and you have Nikha, so in Pakistani eyes, divorce is divorce. Look maybe ur lucky and you find someone much better, but there is a possiblity that you may not, and your your going to get older....

Anyway the guy ignoring you and stuff for a couple of days and now being mean again. I've been in the same situation. Your in a relationship, Men like to hold control. Your the one calling him to Germany, you have a good job, good pay. He feels infirior. he wants to make you like run after him all the time. Put ur ego aside, and think rationally. If he is a good guy, professional, good job, reasonably decent, then call him up and tell him you want it to work out, and you only liked someone, you never did anything, and all girls daydream about getting married and stuff. I mean I know kids in kindergarden that think about getting married, there not doing anything, its just kid stuff. As for the pictures on fb, tell him they were gay, or tell him they were just friends. Obviously if it was some affair, you wouldn't put them on fb, expecially knowing that he could see it. Tell him you love him a lot, and want to make it work.

TO ANY GIRL READING THIS, DON'T EVER TELL ANY MUSLIM GUY UR PAST, REGARDING ANY GUY. TELL HIM UR PARENTS ARE VERY STRICT AND YOU DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO WORRY ABOUT GUYS. I DONT CARE HOW MODERN OR CAREFREE THE GUY IS, HE'S NOT GOING TO BE HAPPY ABOUT IT AND WILL THINK THAT YOU DID LIKE THE WORST STUFF POSSIBLE. DONT AIR OUT UR DIRTY LAUNDRY

[Xoofi]

Re: nikah validity..

Funky Nail: You should actually think twice over this relationship. I feel like things will never be good as you are considering. This guys is sooo rude

[Twinklestar]

nikah validity..

Hope everything works out for you! But you simply cannot think and act western when you are married to Pakistani guy. Please don't leave any pics of any guys on fb including cousins. There are tons of ppl who browse thru Facebook accounts for fun and come up with conclusions. Never ever tell any guy that you loved, liked or were interested in any other guy. It's a simple no no.

[FusionMiddleware]

Re: nikah validity..

I have told my mother that things are not going well. At first she said the problems are because of the distance. Now she still knows its going bad, but i dont want to continiously give her headaches.... last thing i told her was that he told me to let my mother contact his mother..this was 2 days ago... and after this i found out he deleted me from his contacts, unbelievable...

im angry at allah, for doing this to me... im 27, ive never dated guys, still finding rishta was hard, so we ended up going to pakistan i was ready to take that step. After searching in my country... n now this is happening. i want to compramise, but that would only be because i know finding a rishta is super hard. But i dont want to be unhappy either..... i just dont know what to do right now. So i decided to leave for some days and see if he does contact me or not...

things r getting complicated day by day ... u need to figure out wht u peep want n how u want to proceed further ...

[fairytopia]

Re: nikah validity..

I think you might be the only normal person EVER

@cpa2011

why would you tell him about your past? You know how pakistani guys are, actually all guys in general, NEVER NEVER NEVER tell them about ur past, even if its just "oh I liked this actor on tv" Dont say that. Pakistani guys can't accept that girls can make mistakes, or that girls are human and could crush on a guy. Also, why would you have pictures like that on fb anyway, take them off. Ofcourse he tricked you, all guys say that oh whatever your past was, I don't care it was your past. Then you tell them something, and they hold it agaist you for 10 years. Everyone has a cousin who has gotten tricked like that. Anyway, this guy seems like a jerk, but don't break it off just yet. Think about it carefully, yes your a doctor, but you 27/28, and you have Nikha, so in Pakistani eyes, divorce is divorce. Look maybe ur lucky and you find someone much better, but there is a possiblity that you may not, and your your going to get older....

Anyway the guy ignoring you and stuff for a couple of days and now being mean again. I've been in the same situation. Your in a relationship, Men like to hold control. Your the one calling him to Germany, you have a good job, good pay. He feels infirior. he wants to make you like run after him all the time. Put ur ego aside, and think rationally. If he is a good guy, professional, good job, reasonably decent, then call him up and tell him you want it to work out, and you only liked someone, you never did anything, and all girls daydream about getting married and stuff. I mean I know kids in kindergarden that think about getting married, there not doing anything, its just kid stuff. As for the pictures on fb, tell him they were gay, or tell him they were just friends. Obviously if it was some affair, you wouldn't put them on fb, expecially knowing that he could see it. Tell him you love him a lot, and want to make it work.

TO ANY GIRL READING THIS, DON'T EVER TELL ANY MUSLIM GUY UR PAST, REGARDING ANY GUY. TELL HIM UR PARENTS ARE VERY STRICT AND YOU DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO WORRY ABOUT GUYS. I DONT CARE HOW MODERN OR CAREFREE THE GUY IS, HE'S NOT GOING TO BE HAPPY ABOUT IT AND WILL THINK THAT YOU DID LIKE THE WORST STUFF POSSIBLE. DONT AIR OUT UR DIRTY LAUNDRY

[funky_nails]

Re: nikah validity..

OK!!!! now i want a n opinion from a male and preferably a pakistani male from pakistan:

should i really not have told about my past crush? ..... should i have lied, is that what pakistani men want? seriously???

[angel25]

Re: nikah validity..

In khula, you have to give your mehr BACK. Not forgive it.

Not really.

You file for an annulment within three months of the marriage, say he/she lied to me and this marriage is not valid for whatever reason and you get it. I know because mine was initially an annulment.

The only reason I let it turn into a divorce was because if I didn't he'd have gotten deported and never been able to make a life for himself here.

Reha you must have a heart of gold..

If I were in such situation, I would do anything to get the guy deported .

He should be thankful to you for whole life

[flawedsoul]

Re: nikah validity..

I think that's generalizing it. Not ALL Pakistani men need to be lied about re the girls' exes. Some guys are mature enough to not care about the girl's past. But maybe that's because of difference of cultures in Pakistan and the West. Maybe men living in Pakistan are not tolerant of that, I wouldn't know. But most Pakistani men brought up in the west do not bring up a girl's past.

[krmaml1]

Re: nikah validity..

OK!!!! now i want a n opinion from a male and preferably a pakistani male from pakistan:

should i really not have told about my past crush? ..... should i have lied, is that what Pakistani men want? seriously???

As a general rule, if a guy has his own tales to tell, he would be fine with yours.

As far as past crushes are concerned, personally, I wouldn't be concerned if they were less attractive than me.

[fairytopia]

Re: nikah validity..

OK!!!! now i want a n opinion from a male and preferably a pakistani male from pakistan:

should i really not have told about my past crush? ..... should i have lied, is that what pakistani men want? seriously???

Don't tell him about your past crush. It's a waste to tell your future spouse anything related to your social life. You should have lied. Said something along the lines of 'I didn't have time for men' or something to that effect. Pakistani men want control. Over you, your life, your social life and probably also your social calendar.

[SaadiaB]

Re: nikah validity..

Your problems will really begin as soon as he lands in Germany. Foreign land, unknown language, open culture, vulgarity in TV ect... He will douth u even more. He already has ego issues, is not understanding of your situation, is stubborn and moody!! You sure you want to be the one to give in every time. Either u end it before it really begins or get ready to live with his behavior, that will not be easy to change.

[Deeba1234]

Re: nikah validity..

I think that's generalizing it. Not ALL Pakistani men need to be lied about re the girls' exes. Some guys are mature enough to not care about the girl's past. But maybe that's because of difference of cultures in Pakistan and the West. Maybe men living in Pakistan are not tolerant of that, I wouldn't know. But most Pakistani men brought up in the west do not bring up a girl's past.

Agree.. I know a few guys who would be ok with it, here in the west anyway..

Am not sure lying is a good idea, I mean what if he heard about an ex from someone else? (Imagine some random gossiping about it or embellishing it.. I know a girl who aunties used to say lived with her bf at uni when I know for a fact she didn't)..

[krmaml1]

Re: nikah validity..

@cpa2011

why would you tell him about your past? You know how pakistani guys are, actually all guys in general, NEVER NEVER NEVER tell them about ur past, even if its just "oh I liked this actor on tv" Dont say that. Pakistani guys can't accept that girls can make mistakes, or that girls are human and could crush on a guy. Also, why would you have pictures like that on fb anyway, take them off. Ofcourse he tricked you, all guys say that oh whatever your past was, I don't care it was your past. Then you tell them something, and they hold it agaist you for 10 years. Everyone has a cousin who has gotten tricked like that. Anyway, this guy seems like a jerk, but don't break it off just yet. Think about it carefully, yes your a doctor, but you 27/28, and you have Nikha, so in Pakistani eyes, divorce is divorce. Look maybe ur lucky and you find someone much better, but there is a possiblity that you may not, and your your going to get older....

Anyway the guy ignoring you and stuff for a couple of days and now being mean again. I've been in the same situation. Your in a relationship, Men like to hold control. Your the one calling him to Germany, you have a good job, good pay. He feels infirior. he wants to make you like run after him all the time. Put ur ego aside, and think rationally. If he is a good guy, professional, good job, reasonably decent, then call him up and tell him you want it to work out, and you only liked someone, you never did anything, and all girls daydream about getting married and stuff. I mean I know kids in kindergarden that think about getting married, there not doing anything, its just kid stuff. As for the pictures on fb, tell him they were gay, or tell him they were just friends. Obviously if it was some affair, you wouldn't put them on fb, expecially knowing that he could see it. Tell him you love him a lot, and want to make it work.

TO ANY GIRL READING THIS, DON'T EVER TELL ANY MUSLIM GUY UR PAST, REGARDING ANY GUY. TELL HIM UR PARENTS ARE VERY STRICT AND YOU DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO WORRY ABOUT GUYS. I DONT CARE HOW MODERN OR CAREFREE THE GUY IS, HE'S NOT GOING TO BE HAPPY ABOUT IT AND WILL THINK THAT YOU DID LIKE THE WORST STUFF POSSIBLE. DONT AIR OUT UR DIRTY LAUNDRY

Hope everything works out for you! But you simply cannot think and act western when you are married to Pakistani guy. Please don't leave any pics of any guys on fb including cousins. There are tons of ppl who browse thru Facebook accounts for fun and come up with conclusions. Never ever tell any guy that you loved, liked or were interested in any other guy. It's a simple no no.

Don't tell him about your past crush. It's a waste to tell your future spouse anything related to your social life. You should have lied. Said something along the lines of 'I didn't have time for men' or something to that effect. Pakistani men want control. Over you, your life, your social life and probably also your social calendar.

There is a simple solution to this. Tell a guy youre supposed to marry about your past, in the earliest stage of the rishta process, if he freaks out, then you obviously deserve better than him. No? You call these men narrow minded, suspicious, jealous, control freaks and youre desperate to marry them at the same time. How ironic.

More importantly, I dont understand why do women who have had affairs in the past want to marry guys who havent had any of their own. The last time I checked inexperienced virgin losers were looked down upon by women. Why would you want to be with a guy who cannot even get laid in this day and age? Lol ! You should marry men with plenty of experience. Women love men with experience. Those men are also likely to be much more broad minded.

[fairytopia]

Re: nikah validity..

There is a simple solution to this. Tell a guy youre supposed to marry about your past, in the earliest stage of the rishta process, if he freaks out, then you obviously deserve better than him. No? You call these men narrow minded, suspicious, jealous, control freaks and youre desperate to marry them at the same time. How ironic.

More importantly, I dont understand why do women who have had affairs in the past want to marry guys who havent had any of their own. The last time I checked inexperienced virgin losers were looked down upon by women. Why would you want to be with a guy who cannot even get laid in this day and age? Lol ! Y*ou should marry men with plenty of experience. Women love men with experience. Those men are also likely to be much more broad minded.*

Yes and also filled with all kinds of sexually transmitted diseases