Nikah only or Ruksati

[diwana]

@PyariCgudia

Although I dont know what to believe when it comes to Firenze. He’s posting rishtaa ads in the rishtaa forum while he says he’s been nikkahfied months ago.

Well, I wanted to add in the list above before getting rukhsati and that is:

Look for other alternatives in the meantime by dating or give and ad!

[mistral]

Re: Nikah only or Ruksati

Personally, I think the rukhsati should happen as soon as possible after the nikah. Preferably the same day. I agree with PCG…if you’re going to sign the contract and then wait months or even years for the bride to officially leave her home for the groom’s, what’s the guarantee that in that frame of time, things will be worked out or you’ll get to know each other better? What if it doesn’t work out? Then regardless of whether you were “rukhsa-fied,” you’ll have to get a divorce and that will be a black mark on your record…yeah, it’s unfair, but that’s how things work in our society. Even if things do work out, it’s still not a great idea. Even though the couple is married once the nikah is signed if there hasn’t been a rukhsati, then people will talk. Never mind that the couple isn’t doing anything wrong by spending time with each other as they are married under Islamic law - in the eyes of a lot of people, it’s simply not official until the girl leaves her parent’s home for her husband’s.

Of course it’s a different matter entirely when there are immigration issues at play…then the rukhsati has to be delayed out of necessity. There are other instances where it’s unavoidable, but I think it should be done as soon as it’s convenient for both sides.

[neha]

@PyariCgudia

For those of you who had time “to get to know each other better” and to “hammer out differences” between the nikkah and Rukhsati, what would have happened if you realized there was no solution…this person is NOT someone you can live with?

Then you’ve ended up DIVORCED without consummating the marriage, and like anyone is really going to believe you that you were married and had not consummated the marriage. Now you’re a used item in the market and getting another rishtaa will be harder.

Why would you even risk that? If you’re going to sign a nikkahnama, that contract doesn’t substitute an ENGAGEMENT. It is the actual WEDDING CONTRACT. Rukhsati isn’t even a muslim concept. You have the nikkah and then you’re done - now you are responsible for that person.

So why would you sign a nikkahnama without totally being sure you can work things out? That seems like a total waste to me.

It’s nothing more than a legal license to date for families that are uncomfortable allowing their kids to get to know each other properly before marrying. If they are talking, and they are under a nikkah, then the community can’t say jack.

It just hurts you in the end in the event things don’t work out…you end up being a divorcee when you didn’t even have a chance to really be married.

true 101%…:k:

[classical1000]

Re: Nikah only or Ruksati

A gap between Nikah and Rukhsati is good in many cases. For exp, in my case, it was paper work/visa issues that compelled us to follow this route.

But it really worked. We were so different, poles apart. The period between the two events helped us bridge this gap, and in the end, we were more understandable to each other, more happy and loving.

[Deeba1234]

Re: Nikah only or Ruksati

As has already been pointed out, nikah is the marriage.. Once the nikah is done, they are married in Islam and when the rukhsati is done is up to them (tho earlier is recommended obviously)..This is an extreme case but we know of a couple who waited well over a year after nikah to have their reception, by which time they’d had a baby lol..

[firenze]

@PyariCgudia

So she can’t be living with you and by your side when you’re working on all this? Then what’s the point of being in a marriage in the first place? Your best times and memories are when you’re own the road to stabalizing yourself. ** At this rate, your wife’s rukhsati is going to happen in the next 10 years. Good luck.**

all of this is schedule to be done by next march, from the current progress i can say 30% of the goals are reached and 50% are insight in next 2 and half months..

Planning.. .. my friend planning !

@PyariCgudia

Although I dont know what to believe when it comes to Firenze. He’s posting rishtaa ads in the rishtaa forum while he says he’s been nikkahfied months ago.

i can have fun until the last day of my nikkah. .and i had

@classical1000

A gap between Nikah and Rukhsati is good in many cases. For exp, in my case, it was paper work/visa issues that compelled us to follow this route.

But it really worked. We were so different, poles apart. The period between the two events helped us bridge this gap, and in the end, we were more understandable to each other, more happy and loving.

i add few more things:

1. Build a home
2. stable income

before getting married, this should be every man first priority. The point is all around me i see all the couples to struggle rest of their lifes just for these two.

Well i can be wrong, so please some married for years guppies gave some insight into it !

.

[yourfriend]

Re: Nikah only or Ruksati

somehow i like the idea of fresh start… like you two starting and doing everything from scartch for yourself… on your own efforts, under your own limitations and as per your ‘own taste’
dont you become more close when u two are struggling together for the same goal? i dont know, i maybe wrong because we (me n hubby) didnt have to go through with it

[firenze]

@yourfriend

somehow i like the idea of fresh start… like you two starting and doing everything from scartch** for yourself**… on your own efforts,** under your own limitations** and as per your ‘own taste’

[Sara516]

@firenze

well if i can take care of money & roof earlier … then i have full time to take care of third !

Thats a nice way to look at it, but I can see many flaws in this arrangement..but as long as the couple is happy with that setup, who are we to care.

@PyariCgudia

Although I dont know what to believe when it comes to Firenze. He’s posting rishtaa ads in the rishtaa forum while he says he’s been nikkahfied months ago.

Ever heard of a joke?

@yourfriend

somehow i like the idea of fresh start… like you two starting and doing everything from scartch for yourself… on your own efforts, under your own limitations and as per your ‘own taste’
dont you become more close when u two are struggling together for the same goal? i dont know, i maybe wrong because we (me n hubby) didnt have to go through with it

Yes, its all romantic and sweet and cute and stuff but you know what…no one in their right mind would willingly fall into such a situation unless they’re madly in love.

But at the same time there is a big difference between living in a shoebox sized basement apartment when one or both are still students and/or getting outside help, versus two professionals living a still-comfortable life and working up twoards a much more comfortable life.

[firenze]

@Sara516

Thats a nice way to look at it, but I can see many flaws in this arrangement..but as long as the couple is happy with that setup, who are we to care. .

share !

[Sara516]

Re: Nikah only or Ruksati

nahi dil nahi kar raha.

[MIAinVA]

When I got married, my husband was scheduled to come back to USA after 2 months, he was on an H1 visa … he applied for my H4, we got it within 20 days. Then he goes to me “you stay here and come join me after 6 months, let me sort out some financial stuff and get a nice apartment” (he was renting with roomies). I took a stand, said no way… we go together and I help you do all that and my FIL supported me.

I’m glad I came with him, it was because of me that he switched jobs and took up an opportunity with an American company, instead of working with the 2-person desi company where he was being taken for a ride. He says he would have continued with them if I hadn’t been with him, as he didn’t need Health insurance but with me along, he needed health insurance so he switched.

Sure we were living in a 1-bedroom apt in a not-so-great (it was safe though) neighborhood and couldn’t afford designer clothes but we were happy. His career grew really well and yes, we did sort of struggle for 2 years (if you call being frugal struggle), but mashaAllah after 5 years we both have stable well-paid jobs, we have our own home with a lovely backyard and we have happy memories of our struggle wali life. I wouldn’t do it any other way… there’s no way he would recognize my strengths or I would recognize his if it wasn’t for that period… and thats why we have grown to love each other and have a partnership instead of a typical arranged desi marriage.

[yourfriend]

@Sara516

Yes, its all romantic and sweet and cute and stuff but you know what…no one in their right mind would willingly fall into such a situation unless they’re madly in love.

But at the same time there is a big difference between living in a shoebox sized basement apartment when one or both are still students and/or getting outside help, versus two professionals living a still-comfortable life and working up twoards a much more comfortable life.

i know someone who did it in her right mind and both of them are very very content mashallah … and no there wasnt any holly/bollywood love shove kinda thing involved…i know it is hard thing to do but if you two are starting fresh and bringing lets say only even 2k each per month then i dont see why cant just you two have very comfortable life to begin with …

and obviously i didnt have any runaway kinda students in my mind when i typed my above response…finish studies first, work for a while and save as much as you can and put it towards the down payment for your house/appt once u get married … i see many are doing it these days

and ON the Topic .. i m in favor or rukhsati right after the nikkah… a gap of a day or two is fine… thats it.

[PyariCgudia]

@MIAinVA

When I got married, my husband was scheduled to come back to USA after 2 months, he was on an H1 visa … he applied for my H4, we got it within 20 days. Then he goes to me “you stay here and come join me after 6 months, let me sort out some financial stuff and get a nice apartment” (he was renting with roomies). I took a stand, said no way… we go together and I help you do all that and my FIL supported me.

I’m glad I came with him, it was because of me that he switched jobs and took up an opportunity with an American company, instead of working with the 2-person desi company where he was being taken for a ride. He says he would have continued with them if I hadn’t been with him, as he didn’t need Health insurance but with me along, he needed health insurance so he switched.

Sure we were living in a 1-bedroom apt in a not-so-great (it was safe though) neighborhood and couldn’t afford designer clothes but we were happy. His career grew really well and yes, we did sort of struggle for 2 years (if you call being frugal struggle), but mashaAllah after 5 years we both have stable well-paid jobs, we have our own home with a lovely backyard and we have happy memories of our struggle wali life. I wouldn’t do it any other way… there’s no way he would recognize my strengths or I would recognize his if it wasn’t for that period… and thats why we have grown to love each other and have a partnership instead of a typical arranged desi marriage.

Similar story with my parents. Building a future together as oppose to HIM BUILDING THE FUTURE, and then she just moving in after it was built (which is the way Firenze advocates), actually brings you closer together.

There’s nothing BAD about facing some tough financial times with your partner by your side. When they don’t want to be by your side during this time period, you know they’re not going to stand by your side later in the event of financial ruin. And how many desi girls these days are taking up the fashion of leaving their husbands when their husbands go into a financial mess?

[AngelEyess]

Re: Nikah only or Ruksati

Except 4 the visa reason…i think rukhsati is always the best option!!!

[Ira]

Re: Nikah only or Ruksati

I am one of those who got their nikah done first. Our rukhsati happened 6 months after. When i said yes, i had done everything possible to find out about him. Being burnt before, i was still pretty scared. We had both been engaged previously. Once we knew this was it, hubs asked my parents for nikah so he wouldnt feel guilty talking to me from an islamic perspective. My parents agreed and since his parents had to apply for visa to come here for the wedding reception, we waited the few months out. I think the 6 month gap increased my faith in him and took my fears away, Alhamd. I wouldnt do it any other way if i get to do things all over again.

[PyariCgudia]

Re: Nikah only or Ruksati

Ira, lets say you found out what an idiot he was when talking to him.

You’ve signed the nikkahnama. What would you have done?

[PyariCgudia]

Re: Nikah only or Ruksati

And what is unIslamic about talking to someone you’re about to marry in order to figure out if the match is right? That’s your Islamic right. It’s a basic human right, you dont even need Islam to tell you that.

[coolgirl]

Before I had my nikah and such long ruksati period I was okay with having nikah at young age and then ruksati after education is done.. but now I am not definately will think twice when my daughter is ready to get married.. I feel that more than 6 month wait should just not be acceptable. I like the idea of having some time for parents and girl to adjust to the fact that she is married and be prepared for whats ahead and get to know hubby if it’s arranged marriege like my case.. but what really got us was his getting his visa for U.S.. it took him over 2 and half years to get to U.S and by then we were both so frustrated out of this marriage fuss.. because he wanted me to move to pakistan and I had considered but things got very hectic.. o well the point being it works out for some people, and doesn’t work so well for others.. but I don’t think the concept of ruksati should even exist once nikah is done..but i shouldn’t say much..just a thought!

[gulab_jamun]

@PyariCgudia

And what is unIslamic about talking to someone you’re about to marry in order to figure out if the match is right? That’s your Islamic right. It’s a basic human right, you dont even need Islam to tell you that.

When we talk about Islam, We talk abt how our prophet s did things…We follow them. Fatima (R) did not talk to Ali R prior to her nikah, and neither did any sahabis prior to their nikah, or the wives of the Prophet (s)…thus many Muslims do not either.