Nightmare on Elm Street

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Dear readers,

Legend:
1- [her,she] → my wife.
2- [my family] → my parents and siblings.
3- [her family] → her parents and siblings.

Disclaimers:
1- I have talked to her first and later to her family at least 10 times about every single one of the issues mentioned below to no avail. Things instead got little worse every time afterwards.
2- I tried to hide my financial contributions toward my family from her as much as possible.
3- Initially I blindly believed her exaggerated accusations against my family.
4- Divorce or separation is not an option for me as lives of my children will be ruined.
5- My family was against our marriage. They agreed after I begged them to agree.

Background:
1- Been married for 7 long and exhausting years.
2- Everything was normal until the first child was born.
3- I live with her in US. Both her family and mine live in Pakistan.
4- I am not allowed to talk to my family in her absence at all, even when we visit Pakistan. She thinks they are plotting against her.
5- She has picked up fights with the wives of all of my best friends one after another which has caused immense public embarrassment for me. For example, accused one of them of beating our child while babysitting, accused another of knowingly giving wrong medicine to our child, etc.

Issues:
1- Threats divorce/separation whenever she’s mad at me.
2- Making me match every financial contribution that I make to my family with a financial contribution toward her family.
3- Dresses provocatively. Acted very religious before marriage. Now it’s 180 degrees. Knows all the rights but duties belong to ‘barbaric times’.
4- Cannot tolerate someone from my family to visit and stay in our home.
5- Takes little interest in getting children ready for school in morning or helping them with their homework. I have to do that every day before and after work.
6- Gets mad if I tell her to cook healthy meals and not order meals from restaurants so often.
7- Cannot control impulsive buying of latest phone, clothes, purses, footwear, etc.
8- Accuses me of infidelity if I talk to any other woman or praise another woman’s parenting skills.
9- Demanding me to sponsor her family for immigration which I have no problem with except for my fear that her family is a parasite.
10- Always demanding a bigger/better car, apartment, and vacation.

Question: She wants to work now and is looking for a job and I’m worried that all the issues mentioned above will only get worse. Any advice?

2

Re: Nightmare on Elm Street

Here are my 2 paisas:

I can relate to quite a few of your points as this is the same story in most of the households but it also depends on how you take it. I am not sure how long have you been married but sometimes looking at the big picture can help you realize that there are some things that you are willing to let go. From what I am reading above, seems like you despite her and her family. I have gone through all 10 points above but sometimes I have to put myself in her shoes and that usually helps. There isnt anything anyone can tell you about your situation without knowing you personally.

3

Re: Nightmare on Elm Street

I feel for you man, you can get a divorce if that’s bad.

4

Re: Nightmare on Elm Street

Oh, I’ve seen this dynamic. People who stay together for the children ultimately give their children horrible lives. If you’re fighting in front of your children the damage has already started. If you want to stick it together then at least keep all fights private.

5

Re: Nightmare on Elm Street

So who looks after the kids during the day time, cook and clean etc? A woman has a right to wear whatever. The money in the marriage is common property and you shouldn’t be sending it to anyone without an agreement with her. She is not married to your family and maybe take time to listen to her, maybe she has legit reasons to dislike them. I know desis dont believe in counselling but for the sake of children please consider counselling it can make a huge difference in life. I think she doesn’t feel loved and appreciated. You need to take your family and hers out of your marriage. A marriage with dozens of people in it will always fail. Your children should be your top top priority not your mom, pops and siblings.

6

Re: Nightmare on Elm Street

One thing I want to say here is that dont assume that if she starts working things will only get worse. It may get other way around when she gets out and sees how normal wives/husbands normally take care of their affair and may realize and fix some of things that are inappropriate. Either way its her right to work so not much you can do to stop it.
Assumptions are always relationship killer IMO.

Other than that since you said divorce or separation is not an option, the only other thing left is just talk, talk and talk. Try going out more and socialize or travel. But in my view, there is always a limit to everything. There is so much so one can do and after that if it doesnt work, one should be able to make a bold decision, ofcourse after measuring all gives & takes.

7

Re: Nightmare on Elm Street

It sounds to me like you two have MAJOR communication issues and somehow have ended up on opposite sides when you should be on the same side.

I HIGHLY recommend counseling.

8

Re: Nightmare on Elm Street

Soo like a women raised in Pakistan

She knows you went against your family and married her and will not divorced her because of kids , so she will do things her way

Don’t think her doing a job will make things worse as it’s likely temporary and she will be back to doing what she does

It’s that mindset of having other people doing the work and yourself doing the * Raj * and enjoying life

9

Re: Nightmare on Elm Street

Legend:
1- [her,she] → my wife.
2- [my family] → my parents and siblings.
3- [her family] → her parents and siblings.

First of all I would like to thank all of you for your valuable suggestions. Here are some more disclaimers:

1- I do agree that people can pick and choose what they like and what they don’t when discussing terms of an agreement. But once there is agreement, that’s it. Both parties must keep their end of the bargain. For example, if I sign up for a cricket team as a baller then once on the field and I intentionally start giving extras in order to be reclassified as the wicket keeper instead. That’s not fair as I got selected as a baller and signed up for the same. The point I am trying to make is that I had made everything crystal clear before marriage AND she herself agreed. Be it the financial aspect, children, her rights/duties or my rights/duties. Overtime I have given up on so many of my agreed upon rights and taken up so many of her duties but in return I get, “do more”.

2- Since ‘searching for a job is a job’ according to her, I don’t need to assume where things are headed. Apartment stinks like a dumpster. Kitchen is full of dirty dishes, trash is overflowing, bathroom not cleaned since I cleaned it last time, and one more missed parent-teacher conf. Can I do all of that? Yes. Is that my responsibility according to the agreement? No.

3- My job requires long hours and peace of mind. All this is taking a huge toll on my performance at work. I’m getting just 5 hours of sleep for years now due to all this drama, even on weekends.

4- As far as our fights are concerned, they can happen absolutely anytime and anywhere. She’s a short-tempered drama queen and the more public her meltdown is, the better. I’ve learned that no creature seems more innocent than a crying woman. And no bigger villain exists than the one whom she blames while doing so. I do however try to keep my mouth shut in front of kids but her colorful language makes that a feat in itself.

5- My family has been part of my life long before her and I don’t sacrifice old relations to sustain new ones. I don’t want to live a luxurious life while my family back home struggles. Her blaming my family for her troubles carries the same weight as blaming kala jadoo. Basically she wants to destroy my support network comprising of my family and my friends and replace it with her family and her friends.

Here is how I feel:
1- I got bait-and-switched into a forever loss-making deal during a fateful trip to Pakistan.
2- I always wanted a homemaker for a wife and made that abundantly clear before marriage.
3- She wants to do a job, she will do it no matter what. Never listens to me anyway.
4- She and her family misled me into believing how good of a homemaker she was.
5- She acted so traditional and religious before marriage. What a fool I was !

10

Re: Nightmare on Elm Street

Not being open to the idea of divorce puts you at a major disadvantage. Divorce is not nice, but it might be better than what you and your kids are going through right now. As of right now, she knows you’ll stay no matter how badly she treats you. She has no reason, no incentive to try to change her behavior. She knows there are no consequences. And that means you have no negotiating power.

Divorce isn’t a perfect solution though. She’ll probably end up keeping the kids to make you miserable and so she can leech off of you. She’s a terrible mother so that’s not good for the kids. She’ll still have her hands in your pocket with the child support and alimony crap.

In case you do consider divorce, talk with her about it and she decides she wants to start trying, I’d say you re-evaluate what you expect from her. Come to terms with the fact that she’ll never be a religious home maker but do expect some effort on her part.

All that said, you are in very difficult situation. It appears like your wife doesn’t care about anything except for her own whims. And it’s nigh impossible to talk sense with a person like that. Hoping things get better for you.

11

Re: Nightmare on Elm Street

Both you and your wife chose to bring multiple children into this world. It would be nice if at least one of you cared enough to put their physical/emotional welfare first, and do what needs to be done. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you are helping your children in the long-run by forcing them to live in a household like this. Growing up in a household that’s dirty with a short-tempered mother that takes little interest in their lives will damage the children more than getting a divorce.

There’s no point in whining about how you were fooled. What’s done is done. Your wife is NOT going to change. Now it’s up to your to decide what type of household your children are going to live in. If you really want to change how you and your children live your daily life, stop wasting time complaining and do something about it.

12

Re: Nightmare on Elm Street

@decentGuy

You mentioned your wife is impulsive, has a bad temper, spends a lot of money without thinking. You also mentioned that she’s disorganized, doesn’t keep your apartment clean, misses parent-teacher conferences and is too lazy to do basic chores and take care of your kids. I think your wife has ADHD, I’m no doctor but she has all the symptoms. My roommate had the same thing, adderall helped him a lot.

13

Re: Nightmare on Elm Street

It seems many still have Talibanistic views about women. Here is a western perspective which the law and society protect.

  1. Many go to Pak to get a wife/Naukraani who will cook, clean, bear children and be available 24/7 without getting paid. Good for her for standing up for her right.
  2. Looking after young kids under six is an exhausting job most of my western friends are fully involved in cooking and cleaning and their wives will never cook recipes that take hours.
  3. A woman does not have to follow a man’s religiosity.
  4. A man has no right to tell a woman what to wear.
  5. A husband cannot send money to his family without wife’s consent.
  6. How can he be so sure that she is lying about inlaws misbehavior and it is not the other way around.
  7. Maybe she is suffering from depression.
  8. If the husband has money to send to relatives than he has money to get a cleaning lady.
  9. If a woman is unloved, put down an belittled she will rage.
  10. Most women in Pak grow up in luxury and they need love and encouragement to get used to the new life.
  11. I wouldn’t blame her to be depressed and not want to do anything if she is unappreciated.

I can help you turn this thing around if you are sincere about it.

14

Re: Nightmare on Elm Street

Not sure why I was quoted. All I said was that he has no leverage. Even threatening divorce, most likely, won’t give him leverage because his wife doesn’t seem like someone who cares about her marriage or the kids.

And I also said he’d have to re-evaluate his expectations from her.

Asking the wife to give a **** is not Talibanistic in my opinion.

15

Re: Nightmare on Elm Street

She sounds like a spoiled entitled brat. She probably knows you will never divorce her and hence keeps on 'ab’using this to punish/torment you so the next time she threatens you with a separation or divorce,actually move out, take the kids with you if possible and have someone from your family over to look after the kids. I usually am not in the favour of this approach but your lady really needs some sense knocked into her head.

16

Re: Nightmare on Elm Street

Maybe dealing with the kids is too much for her or her perspective changed after having kids, especially because you mentioned that this all started after the first child was born. I had made it very clear to hubby that I did not want kids early but he really wanted them and promised to go part time or even stay at home and said I would have to do nothing at all for the house and he will be responsible for the kids. Now I feel like it was a bait-and-switch too and I resented him for it for a while but now I have starting more of a team-player and help him with household chores as much as possible too. When you have young kids, it is impossible to get anything done at all. Just this morning, I was cooking and my kids threw a tantrum and the house was a mess and food wasn’t ready by their lunch time. I called hubby at work and had a momentary meltdown and he came to my rescue and brought pizza (This may not be realistic for most working adults but it is just an example of how to make things better for your partner. He could have fought with me or made things way worse or I could have made things terrible by blaming him and all but it worked out because we are a team.
If you can afford a maid, get one (my hubby hates our maid and complains about everything she doesn’t do right but it’s better than fighting about what either of us don’t do right). If you guys eat out frequently, so what… even on days I am off of work and school and the kids are well behaved, there is so much involved with cooking like the dishes and cleaning and all that I may not have the energy for it.

Marriage is hard. We did one counseling session and he wasn’t interested so I did more sessions on my own and it helped me stop blaming and resenting to really just focusing on what exactly I want in the marriage and communicating it. It isn’t perfect but its better than just a year ago.

17

Re: Nightmare on Elm Street

Thanks a lot for all your kind suggestions. I’m learning a lot that is helping me sustain this marriage and usually take the path of least resistance. One thing that kept me from going insane is writing a diary. It helps me see the big picture and focus on my life goals w.r.t my children and career. Over the years I have become somewhat of an amateur psychologist so I can understand the method behind my wife’s madness better.

My wife comes from a clan where DILs are treated like cattle, and I believe had she been treated as such, she would’ve been totally fine and happy. This is what I see in her sister who is happily married to a man from the same clan who treats her like cattle. And her sister is genuinely happy and content with him. For example, if you bring a cow into the finest room of your home, offer it love, kindness, untie its ropes and appreciate its efforts. Do you think the cow has any capacity to even remotely comprehend those gestures? No. It will instead get disoriented and take a dump on the carpet. Heartless but useful analogy.

My wife denied me any closeness with herself for nearly an year after the first child on the abetment of a local besharam auty my wife used to worship at the time. In auty’s own words the goal was, “tumharay jootay chaat nay lagay ga!”. When I lost my mind and finally confronted my wife she confessed all this. While all of this was going on that same aunty was pushing me toward her niece. After my wife’s confession, I told her my side of the story but my wife instead of appreciating me, blamed me! It took me months to wrap my head around my wife’s insanity.