March 18, 2012 Jamadi-e-Aakher 13, 1609
Here are the news from Pakistan:
Zia ul Haq Institute for Promotion of Democracy (ZIPDY) will host its 8th annual conference in Raiwind. Professor M. Qadaffi will present his paper on “Global Understanding”, and Distinguished Professor Hafuzul Asad will discuss his new book titled “All Politics are Local”.
Professor Salman Rushdie of Tehran University will not be able to participate in this year’s conference, as he is on a tour of Europe to promote his new book “Noah’s Ark”. This book has caused a lot of controversy in Europe. Chancellor Adolfo Haider of Islamic Republic of Germany has issued a religious decree declaring the book a Blasphemous conspiracy and is offering Marks 60 million (equals about Rs 65) for Rushdie’s head. There have been reports of flag burning in Islamenberg (formerly Berlin) by muslim fundamentalists condemning the book and the author. Italian President Benito Muslimini has offered similar award for the head of Author Rushdie. King Charles of Islamic United Kingdom is also reported to be very upset about Pakistan’s decision to let the book be published. The controversy over the book is about whether or not Noah carried a pair of pigs on his Ark. In light of the current unrest in Europe, Rushdie will only be promoting his book in Islamic Republics of Albania, Mecedonia, and Greece, and Hashmiette Kingdom of Switzerland.
The NWFP Government has lifted the ban on passing of gas in public places. Punjabis living in Peshawar celebrated this new ruling by firing rounds of Kalashankovs in the air as well as passing a lot of gas. The carbon mono-oxide at Kisa Khawani bazaar has reached at alarming levels. Pathan legislators are planning to challenge the current ruling in the Court, but the Chief Justice of Supreme Court, Madame Qanoon Bagum has said that banning of passing of gas was unconstitutional. This ruling has effected the Dal prices in the open market, which is now selling at Rs 3000 a Kilo.
Former Prime Minister Sharif was fined for being a neusense at Molana Moudoodi Casino in Sialkot after he lost a high stakes poker game with the Army Generals. He has been black listed from the casino for 2 years. He plans to fight the ban and while the ban is in effect, Sharif will patronize Molona Norani Casino in Sahiwal.
Due to expected snowfall, the 4th cricket match between India and Pakistan will be not be played at Sheikh Mujeeb-ur-Rehman Stadium in Karachi,. This match will now be played at L.K. Adwani Stadium in Lahore (formerly Qaddafi Stadium) on the dates previously scheduled.
Jamait-e-Islami Educational Workshop (JEW) for physically challenged children will be conducting additional classes at St. Patrick’s Church in Lahore due to popular demand for it’s excellent programs for disabled children.
After a few unsuccessful business ventures, former Prime Minister Bay-Nazir Bhutto has landed some success at her Hina (mehndi) business. Some of the most popular designs are: Bay-haya, Bay-Sharam, Bay-Huda, Bay-Parda, Bay-Waqoof, and the most popular Bay-Iman. We wish her all the luck in her business ventures. Meanwhile Asif Zardari is barely breaking even at his business of selling used cars.
The Israeli Embassy in Islamabad will be closed for the week of April 21st due to construction of a new building for additional Visa section staff. This expansion is due to popular demand of Pakistani tourists wishing to visit holy sites in Jerusalem and nightclubs in Tel-Aviv.
The second joint venture between Pakistan Institute of Space Sciences (PISS) and Saddam Hussain Institute of Technology (****) is progressing on schedule. The project involves the launch of the SpaceCraft (Shurlee) from Mirza Ghulam Ahmad Qadyani Space Center in Quetta. **** has developed a new fuel (a mix of camel piss and yogurt) which will be used in Shurlee. Shurlee is expected to complete a trip to Mars and back in 67 days. Islamic States of America (formerly USA) has declared such space exploration missions unislamic and has warned Pakistani and Iraqi astronauts not to participate. This warning was issued even after Pakistani astronauts promised to bring back soil samples from Hell.
A third Highway between Lahore and Delhi is expected to be completed by the end of October in 2015. Jamait-e-Islami has requested that this new Highway be called “Sirat-e-Mustakeem”. Prime Minister Jamhoor Bhatti says that he will consider this request.
The Nobel Prizes for this year in all categories have gone as usual to Pakistani Scientists and Scholars with the exception of the Nobel Peace Prize, which this year goes to professor Osama Bin Laden of KUTA (Kabul United Theological Academy) for his unmatched efforts to bridge the gap between Muslims and Afghans. We offer our congratulations.
Finally, Kuwaiti maids working for wealthy Pakistanis, and Saudi laborers working in Blauchistan Oil Fields have been promised by the Government of Pakistan that their employers will now be asked to pay them the minimum wage. In addition the government is promising to reduce the number of laborers per room to sleep (currently at 45 laborers per room to a promised 25 in 3 years).
For additional upto the minute news, please tune to FM 786 on the dial or watch Muslim Global TV Network
Written by a famous member of Gupshup, some 7 years ago. I hope (senior members ) have guessed the author by now. 
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