My husband, kids and I have moved a few times and since a year and a half ago, we’ve finally settled down. Along the way we’ve made some friends, of all races, sizes and religions. I’ve always found it easy to make friends but I’m not a particularly social person. Most of my recent friendships have been moms of kids who had playdates or school with my kids.
Though I’ve usually always had Caucasian friends, I always wished to have close desi girlfriends. I used to think how nice it would be have a friend from our Mosque that I could have so much in common with. So since moving here, I have met a few Pakistani girls around my age with kids but they live almost an hour away. There is one woman actually who lives within walking distance from our house. She is maybe 7-10 years older than me. She’s been nice enough to invite us over a couple times but it’s very formal. I’ve expressed to her that she’s welcome to come over here for tea. Or even if she’s driving by to just stop and say hi. I’m very informal and easy going. So I sense that her personality is just different than mine.
Initally I got the impression that she’s just a little cold and formal in her personality. She is very religious and active in the mosque. And that’s very good. But now I get the feeling that she just doesn’t like me. So it seems kind of sad to me that I can be better friends with white girls who I really don’t have much in common with or respect as much as someone of my own religion. Sometimes it seems like being religious can isolate you. Your life becomes so scheduled by prayer times, household duties and mosque work that you don’t really have ‘a life’. And religion gives you a perspective that life is not that important. And so having friendship and idle talk is not acceptable.
I myself, don’t really have a social life either. I’m not seeking a girlfriend to gab with or go shopping with or any of the cliche women things. I like to have connections and build strong ties within my community. I believe in helping others and respecting my elders. But wouldn’t it be nice to have someone to share child rearing tips or recommend a movie to or loan my Sonic Youth cd to?
I feel you luv, I'v been living in various cities on and off for the past 9 years and its tricky to make 'real' friends. However, I think just a few close ones are enough for me.
I have a friend back in my home city whom I have known for 10 years, I only see her once every 2/3 years and speak to her probably the same amount of time a year, yet somehow one phone call every 6 months makes up for not seeing her on a weekly/monthy basis.
We don't even have the excuse of marriage and kids...just life. People seem to be either chasing the superficial or just too lazy to invest time. Sad really.
Saima.. how about you start going to the mosque as well and involve yourself in community activities such as volunteer at a sunday school? help to organize iftars or eid parties?
I am involved in community through mosque and I feel like I have made some really good friends there.. we usually go out to eat after sunday school or get togethers on and off.. they are not my best friends or anything like that but I do enjoy spending time with them inside/outside the mosque.
PS: I am not a very religious person but I like to be involved with Muslim/Pakistani community and attending mosque for other than just the prayer has the best thing i have ever done.. I usually just read islamic story books to lil children at mosque and they absolutely adore me. I like it!
McPendo, I used to be in NYC. We moved almost 2 years ago.
Gemini, actually I do go to the mosque for our Sunday meetings. Also Iftaris other events. But because I have 3 young kids being really active is hard. Our mosque is almost one hour away, so that makes it hard as well.
Nurturing a friendship also takes time as other things in life. You cannot expect to be good friend of someone in couple of meetings. If she does not come to your home uninvited , you could call her and go there on a regular basis.
For example during the downtime when the kids are off to school and your husband is at work you could make some snack and go to her home and enjoy snack and each others company.
You can ask her to help her out with her community activities and share her burden of those community responsibilities.
You can ask her to pray zuhar prayer together.
I am sure she is as hungry for a good friendship as you are , if this does not workout, keep looking there is plenty of fish in this pond.
See starting and nurturing a good friendship is as easy as that.
Saima, my problem is sort of the inverse of yours. I'm gori but also a Muslim, married to a Pakistani guy. Most of my Muslim friends are Arab, but not practicing/observant. And when I've tried to meet practicing Muslim friends through the masjid, etc., it's been hard for me to trust them because I often feel very judged by them. The girls in my husband's family are all extremely sweet, but they've been extremely sheltered and are from very conservative families and I find it difficult to really relate to them on a heart-to-heart level. I don't wear hijab, enjoy listening to music, have traveled extensively on my own, etc.---I pray, fast, etc., and religion is important to me but my background and lifestyle are so much different than people who grew up in religious Muslim households or in more sheltered environments. It's weird because I personally don't feel a contradiction between my life and my religious beliefs, but I have a hard time finding friends who don't seem to think I'm inauthentic because I'm neither the hard-partying gori city chick nor a secluded, more-Muslim-than-thou form of convert.
Saima, my problem is sort of the inverse of yours. I'm gori but also a Muslim, married to a Pakistani guy. Most of my Muslim friends are Arab, but not practicing/observant. And when I've tried to meet practicing Muslim friends through the masjid, etc., it's been hard for me to trust them because I often feel very judged by them. The girls in my husband's family are all extremely sweet, but they've been extremely sheltered and are from very conservative families and I find it difficult to really relate to them on a heart-to-heart level. I don't wear hijab, enjoy listening to music, have traveled extensively on my own, etc.---I pray, fast, etc., and religion is important to me but my background and lifestyle are so much different than people who grew up in religious Muslim households or in more sheltered environments. It's weird because I personally don't feel a contradiction between my life and my religious beliefs, but I have a hard time finding friends who don't seem to think I'm inauthentic because I'm neither the hard-partying gori city chick nor a secluded, more-Muslim-than-thou form of convert.
Your situation is not different than those Muslims like you and me who do not want to raise their kids in a cocoon and who do not want to follow the strictest possible interpretation of religion. They are judged on an hourly and daily basis by those who think they are more-Muslim-than-thou.
Oh, the problems we face! LOL. Sorry, not making fun of anyone, but there u r damned if u do, and damned if u don't.
I would feel awful if I was in your situation SaimaNYC and NYCGori, most of the time i'm ok to be on my own, but sometimes u need proper local friends just to go out with or have coffee with or whatever.
Saima, your aquaintance, I don't think she would invite u to dinner twice if she didn't want to be friends with u. She may be one of those very formal people who think that they can only go round when they have a specific invitation, not an open one. I have a friend like that, kept giving her open invitation for years and only realised afterwards bcos another friend told me about the formality business.
I would take a leaf out of Uncle Mirch's book - make a snack and either call her to invite her round to yours (ad-hoc) or ask if she is free so u can take some round to hers.
There must surely b more ppl out there than this one woman?
I totally know what you mean. It’s funny 'cuz in college I very much had a core group of Muslim friends who were involved in MSA, observant, etc., and at the same time were so intellectually lively, open-minded, great critical thinkers, etc. But I’ve had a hard time finding similar personalities to connect with. Maybe I just need to look harder! :hinna:
^ So are mine. I have a handful of friends with whom I grew up with. More university friends (they r like lifelong friends) and just recently, some that I went to Hajj with.
I don't tend to go to the local mosque very much and keep away from community events etc, probably to keep away from the nosey parkers.
^ So are mine. I have a handful of friends with whom I grew up with. More university friends (they r like lifelong friends) and just recently, some that I went to Hajj with.
I don't tend to go to the local mosque very much and keep away from community events etc, probably to keep away from the nosey parkers.
nosy parkers should not stop you from doing the right thing. I do go to Masjid and I do go to community gatherings , I try to make as much difference I can and I try to come up with ideas for community building activities.
I go to Masjid for praying and also to bond with other like minded people which are plenty you have look around and look hard.
NYCGori, our problems are not inverse, they're the same problem. In many ways I'm considered a white girl by some at the mosque. I've even been asked if part of my family is white. I was born and raised in the West but I have the values that my parents taught me. And I follow Islam in a moderate way meaning not ultra strict, hidden away from life and the world.
Mirch your observation is correct totally. I've actually experienced a 'holier than thou' attitude from this woman and respected it as she is an elder and very active in the mosque. I don't wear a headscarf and that seems to be an issue. I don't believe friendship can be as easy as a few lunches and chatting a few times. When someone is super, crazy wealthy, holier than thou, established in the mosque and well connected they will always view me as inferior and not worth her time.
Rupay, yes there are many other people out there. I'm just trying to understand the dynamics of this situation. There's more to the situation, money, class, education, status. I just wanted some input on the basics.
Rupay, yes there are many other people out there. I'm just trying to understand the dynamics of this situation. There's more to the situation, money, class, education, status. I just wanted some input on the basics.
You got it right . It will take some time but you will Inshallah find many many people who would like for what you are as a person not for your status and all. I come across many filthy rich people who are so humble in their manners and dealings.