Does anyone here have a negative parent? Someone who seems to focus more on complaining then on appreciating the good and trying to maintain a happy, peaceful life.
I grew up with a mother like this and it was very stressful but I thought that’s just the way things are. When I got married and started living with my in laws I learnt a totally different attitude to life.
Life has its up and downs for everyone but I learnt from my in laws not to dwell too much on the bad stuff and avoid gile shikve and fighting at all costs. As a result I have become used to stress free harmonious living and I struggle even more with how to manage my mother and her constant negativity, worries and complaints. I’ve tried talking to her but to no avail. What can I do?
My mum's a complicated character herself, she isn't negative that leads to panic or stress but she definitely thinks negatively about people & their intentions to the point of sounding irrational sometimes. Growing up I had a lot of issues with her and till date we don't get along like an average mother/daughter duo would but after a long struggle i have made peace with it.
From what I understood I think your mum may have mild anxiety if her negativity results in stress while my mum on the other hand thinks she is a 'know it all' and believes everyone has a dark side to them and have devious intentions and that she is 'chalak' enough to see through it. I think now that im old enough to understand that its just her insecurities talking (before you think that she has gone through some bad experiences in life to make her this way..its not true at all! My dad has ruined her rotten all her life to the point that she is spoilt!)
I sometimes catch myself thinking like her and quickly change my thoughts, i know i have that streak as well and if i dwell in those thoughts i'd turn into her. Its weird to explain this but my MIL is much simpler & rather naive individual & i see the same reflected in her daughters as well and my husband ofcourse..like i cant imagine my husbands family trying to be 'chalak' and if they even try, instinctively ill catch it and thanks to my streak that i get in virasat from my mom I will already be 10 steps ahead of them.
Any which ways, my MIL is a nice person overall but my mum calls me often to warn me about her and I honestly think to myself that thank god my mum doesn't have a son cuz my bhabi would then have to join Life01 and share her sob stories lol
I don't think your mother has any ill feelings towards you at all. She obviously wants the best for you and so will keep saying such stuff to motivate you. Its likely she grew up with this kind of behavior herself. The best thing you can do is to not take those comments to heart and continue to respect her as your mother.
Yes, I have several family members who has the traits you described.
As a result I have become used to stress free harmonious living and I struggle even more with how to manage my mother and her constant negativity, worries and complaints. I've tried talking to her but to no avail. What can I do?
You do nothing. Part of living a stress-free and harmonious life is to understand and accept that you cannot change other people. Your mother is who she is and will not change just b/c you want her to. You are married and living your own life as in adult. Let your mother live her life the way she wants to.
It's not that much that she is suspicious of people's intentions (although there is an element of that) it's more that she is constantly worrying about the future and her worries are for the most part excessive and unfounded. Whenever I see her I leave feeling so depressed. In fact like ShimmerV said I find myself thinking negatively and I need to snap myself out of her way of thinking everything is doom
and gloom.
Everyone has things that trouble them and I have no issue with her sharing her worries but her whole life revolves around worries and negative thoughts. In her case she is very blessed alhamdulilah but she doesn't see that and instead will focus on everything negative. It's the same with her spouse and children- she is always focussing on negative things and what we don't do rather than what we do- this is the thing that upsets me most I think. It makes you not want to be around that person because it is stressful to only hear bad things all the time. To give you an example last week I called her every day to see how she is but conversations were brief because I had so much going on. After a few days of 5-10 mins calls she started telling me how I am a bad daughter because I don't give her time. I try to make sure she has no complaints from me but I am only human!
I don't think she has bad motives towards me. I just want to be able to help her and the rest of my family so we can all just get along and be happy :(
It's not that much that she is suspicious of people's intentions (although there is an element of that) it's more that she is constantly worrying about the future and her worries are for the most part excessive and unfounded. Whenever I see her I leave feeling so depressed. In fact like ShimmerV said I find myself thinking negatively and I need to snap myself out of her way of thinking everything is doom
and gloom.
Everyone has things that trouble them and I have no issue with her sharing her worries but her whole life revolves around worries and negative thoughts. In her case she is very blessed alhamdulilah but she doesn't see that and instead will focus on everything negative. It's the same with her spouse and children- she is always focussing on negative things and what we don't do rather than what we do- this is the thing that upsets me most I think. It makes you not want to be around that person because it is stressful to only hear bad things all the time. To give you an example last week I called her every day to see how she is but conversations were brief because I had so much going on. After a few days of 5-10 mins calls she started telling me how I am a bad daughter because I don't give her time. I try to make sure she has no complaints from me but I am only human!
I don't think she has bad motives towards me. I just want to be able to help her and the rest of my family so we can all just get along and be happy :(
My parents are similar i found alot of asian parents are like this because they are perfectionists and like everything to be perfect. I remember getting sad because one day i had forgotten to bring something and that kept me sad for a big proportion of the day. I then realised if that's the worse thing in my day i am truly lucky. Some people live horrific lives.
Personally what i do is laugh and make jokes. Laughter is infectious, when something bad happen it lifts the mood and allows people to take the situation not so seriously. Talking didn't help in my situation instead i don't lecture them but do some action when the situation is bad. So sometimes bring some snacks they like say if we are running late, joke if they are depressed etc.
It may seem tiring but its not because your conscience is soo much better afterwards :)
For the excessive worrier I just keep adding Allah ki marzi, Allah shaafi, Allah kaafi like a prayer. When you engage in an argument, lecture, with a worrier then you add fuel to their anxieties. By completely shutting their argument with the Allah factor there will be nothing new from your side. The 5th time you complete your argument flat out with thr same rattay rataiy words they will realized you are not the audience for them. It will take a lot of control not to dissolve into an argument.
Also don't let yourself get emotionally blackmailed. Your mother is safe and loved. Tell her that, keep telling her that and there is nothing more you should or could be doing. You don't have to feel bad about anything.
And lastly some people are really happy to be unhappy. It's their way of life and they're kind of content. You should be less focussed on changing her rather your reaction. Since she is in no real danger you don't have to see her worries as something so monumental that it needs to be focussed upon. Just accept its part of her character and think of it as background noise.
Yeah I think you're right I need to do the allah ki marzi with her more. Having said that my father is a great believer in that and has used this line with her and she always gives the old tying your camel type argument in response. I see how her attitude has affected him and my siblings and by making them so withdrawn and depressed and it's upsetting. I've got married and moved away and somehow I've managed to move away from the way of thinking and gloomy moods she had ingrained in us and from a distance I can see what is happening.
I try to tell her she is loved but it doesn't get through. Sometimes I wonder if the only way she will be able to happy is if we totally devote our lives to her? Obviously she would deny that and she isn't a bad person but really I don't think she can ever be happy. Like you said some people are just so used to being unhappy they don't know or want to be happy. How do I control my reactions though? Someone complaining despite you making all the effort that is possible and not understanding you have limitations as a human? I bite my tongue and don't say anything but she keeps pushing me for a response to it? Do some people just like fighting?
Yes, some people love fighting. My mother devotes 15% of her day arguing or ranting. I know this and don’t take it personally. I just leave the room or remain completely silent during her rants. She doesn’t need my attention to rant (the walls will do) so this is where your situation and mine differs.
It may feel excessive to label your mother but sometimes it’s easier to find coping techniques, common ground with others online even if you feel the label is excessive. There’s a wide spectrum of behaviours so not everyone exhibits every single issue in a checklist.
My father isnt a negative person by nature, but for us he is a pessimist. He has a dual personality. So, anyways, he never appreciates us, never lets go of a chance to criticize us, compares us with loser kids of his friends + siblings, he is always looking for ways to start an argument. So, anyways the best way to deal with such people is to ignore them. Think of them as a nobody. Dont let anything they say affect you in anyway.
If you love you mother, then it might be difficult for you to ignore her. But just remember she is old now, she isnt going to change. Maybe you can try reminding her every now and then that her negativity is seeping into you and she needs to stop.