I have actually never had a similar problem, so I don’t really know how to deal with a situation like this. I would speak to my mom, she gives great advice, but I don’t want to get her worked up.
I feel like my MIL has a very negative image of me. Everything I say or do, she looks at it in a negative light. Just two examples from this week to give an idea of what happens and how it is dealt with:
She said that downstairs was getting crowded and I should move my boots to my bedroom closet (we live together). When I went to take a look I noticed that I had around 10 pairs so I took all of them upstairs and left one (the ones I use) downstairs. Later she came to my room at actually YELLED at me. Saying that I am trying to create issues in the house and I was trying to show my husband that I have no space here, except in our bedroom. I apologized, showed her where I put my shoes in the closet and everything was good, she left without saying anything and we pretended like nothing ever happened.
A couple of days later my husband come home from the gym, he tells me that he is feeling dizzy cause he worked out too hard. 15 min later, I see him trying to move a sofa, I came and asked him why he was doing this and that he should be resting instead of moving stuff around. My MIL yells at me right there and then saying that I am trying to show that I am the only one that cares. And trying to show that she is a bad mother because she asked him to move it. My husband asked me to go upstairs to my room and spoke to her about this. He said that it is not ok for her to get involved in matters between him and me and that I was talking to him.
I don’t really know how to handle these situations; they are so sensitive. I try to make her understand where I come from, but I am also scared that I will come off as I am being disrespectful. I don’t want to have bad relationship with my MIL, especially since we are living with them.
My husband and I had decided before we got married that we would live with his family for a few years and them move out. (we do plan on moving out end of this year). But it makes me sad that she has such a negative image of me. I really want her to think nicely of me.
As it is right now, I usually stay in my room. I only come downstairs for breakfast/dinner where I basically: eat, clean and leave. I use to spend time downstairs but since everything I said or did would become something bad I have started to avoid her. Being alone with my MIL gives me anxiety and I usually stay quiet around her. I want our relationship to be better because once we move out I would like to visit without having a lump in my stomach.
I’ll appreciate any advice on how I can approve her image of me, so we can have a healthy relationship. Frankly speaking, I don’t really care for her much, but I know it breaks my husbands heart and I don’t want him to feel like he is stuck in the middle.
I'm sorry to say but ur mil seems the sort who will never really like u. Regular ppl u can win over, but mil who set their opinion of u in stone will only see everything through their self-fulfilling prophecy eyes. If this is the way she reacts to one pair of shoes left behind near the door then I think she is giving u negative points for every little thing that u do, seething and building resentment. That's why she's ready to blow even if she gets the smallest of chances. She will never see ur moves as positive and will always expect an ulterior motive.
The only solution to such a situation is to play it cool, lay low, defer all (household) authority to her, take instructions from her about what she wants u to do and how she wants them done. Ask her what chores she would like u to do, like maenay yay kar diya hae aap Aur koi kaam bata daen. Or if she's cooking help with the cutting, or making the salad. U can say laayein ammi mae kar daiti hoon aap doosra kaam kar lain phir hum jaldi faarigh ho jayeingay etc.
And laying low doesn't mean to shut urself up in ur room, she will see that as "bahu sahiba k to mizaaj he nahi Miltay, wo to saath betthna pasand he nahi karteen". Don't do any soul searching kind of conversation with her, compliment her on stuff that she takes pride in, home decor, cooking, kapray etc. Ask her about those things and act interested and how grateful u r that she's sharing her pearls of wisdom with u. If she likes watching dramas join her in that, easiest way to get ur foot in the door. Discuss drama, don't let discussion go to any controversial topic. Whatever she says add ur haan Mae haans. Finally at some point she will realize that u r not challenging her position In the household, she has her importance and u have Urs. Bide ur time till u move out, If u keep everything civil now everything will fall into place on ur subsequent visits (hopefully, inshAllah).
P.S if she likes keeping a neat and tidy house then follow her lead, never let it get to 10 pairs of shoes at th door. Pick up ur shoes and take them to ur room. Only leave ur everyday slippers/shoes at the door, the ones u wear to go out and check the mail. Everything else in u cupboard, under ur bed, wherever u can put it. Don't leave clutter around ur room as well, even if it is urs, if she gets to see it then she's judging.
What was your MIL's reaction after your husband talked to her? Did she understand that she was overreacting or had the wrong idea about you? I think this would require guts, but what if you were to give your MIL a gift and gently talk to her...as in tell her that you see her as like your mother and you would never want to, even unintentionally, make her look bad to your husband or create problems for her and you don't want her to assume the worst about her. How would that go? Or you could ask your husband for suggestions as he knows her best.
Or, if you think any sort of direct approach would backfire, then I guess you can try to be more careful in the future. If she tells you to do something, do it exactly the way she wants you to....OR...ask her before hand if you can do it another way so it doesn't come as a surprise to her. Don't move or rearrange things around (outside of your bedroom) without asking or letting her know first. Some people are very particular about things. And ask your husband if whatever he's doing is an order from MIL before interfering. Basically be a bit more careful from now on until and your husband move out.
Another thing that came to mind is that since your MIL fears that you want to ruin her image in her son's eyes, you can try to counter her fear....by genuinely complimenting MIL (for her cooking, something she did, etc) in front of your husband and even other people like your parents. That sends MIL the message (hopefully) that you're not on a mission to tarnish her image to her others.
It's good you actually WANT to develop a good relationship with her. It's also good that your husband understands where you're coming from and was willing to defend you when you were wronged in example number two. Both very good points.
As to advice on what to do next, I'd say try not to take the crazy stuff she says/does to heart. You need to realise your relationship with her as a bahu - not a daughter. She will never look at you the same way your mother does, nor will you her. So always have that in the back of your mind when you are interacting with her - there will always be some level of formality. If it was her own daughter she shouted at re the shoes, her daughter might well have shouted back lol, or even if she remained quiet, she wouldn't have felt it afterwards. But because of your relationship with her - you DID feel it. That's okay - as long as you do not expect that she will always treat you fairly, then you won't be disappointed when she doesn't. Start trying to adjust to this mindset; it will make your life easier.
Also, don't avoid her - you need to learn to HANDLE these situations with her. Try to stay positive with her; talk about happy things; compliment her on what she does/what she's wearing etc. This will give her little time to focus on YOU and the things that YOU'RE doing wrong - it will also obviously make her happy and in a light mood.
You need to learn how to deal with her: what ticks her boxes and how to behave around her. This will take time, but you have your whole marriage to do this. Hopefully, things will get easier as you get to know her. But for the time being, it's kind of a trial and error process. Just try to stay positive and try not to take things to heart - you need to learn to let things slide. It's difficult, but needs to be done.
BombShellBabe: loool, I don’t really want a friendship with her, more like a good relationship, not what I have right now.
Sara516: Yup, that more or less sums it up! She said she only wanted me to move my boots, but when i looked in the shoe closet i realized i had around 10 pairs of sneakers, ballerina, chappals and boots. so i took all of them upstairs thinking she would be happier. I think the biggest reason for her reaction is cause she thinks i can use it as argument for why we should move out. (although that had been decided long before we even got married). She took it as i was trying to show that i only have my room to keep my stuff in.
Sasha21, nnabid & redvelvet:: Thank you for your advice. You guys rock!
This is more or less how I have been handling things. I basically try to help out as much as I can and try to lay low.
When I can downstairs for breakfast this morning she acted like nothing every happened. I asked me husband that if I should go and apologize (I also considered buying a lipstick she has been wanting) But my husband told me I shouldn’t. She will think her behavior was ok and she will continue. She should not be rewarded for that kind of behavior. Both times, I stay out of her way (in my room) for some time and once I do come downstairs she talks to me like nothing every happened. I guess she is bipolar.
On a side note: felt weird writing my problems on a forum, but I got more genuine advice than I thought! I once spoke to two of my husband’s friend’s wives. The entire thing felt like gossip more than anything else and one of them even brought it up in front of other people!
^No, it doesn't necessarily mean she's bipolar. Some people find it hard to apologize, so they think it's easier to just act as though everything is fine to lighten the atmosphere. It's a good thing that she's not acting cold and distant. And you can still get her that lipstick after some time. And as Nnabid said earlier, it is admirable that you still want to have a good relationship with Mil cuz it takes more of an inner effort to not become defensive.
Hey OP
You have been given such sound advice from everyone that I have nothign to add.I am glad you are open to suggestiona nd you do want a good relationship. you MIL is in a sense losign her son with you both moving out and she is just tryign to delay that process. Continue in making that relationship a close one with all your inlaws and hopefully she will realise that if you live with her or in your home you will still be close. InshALLAH she will change. She can't be that bad if you are in love with her son. She is the one who brought him up to become who he is so we end up forgetting that when we view inlaws
Becharay husbands 
