Re: Need to vent..
dont let you parents know about good well of your hubby.
if you dont mind i have question. what are your parents and the guy caste to whom your sister got married.
Re: Need to vent..
you have to remember when tomorrow your kids grow up you shouldnt give then a chance to complain mom dad because you gave all your savings away we dont have this or that (an extreme but still)
you should help your sister financial but create a balance between what is your kids/family's right and what you should give to your relatives
For a while I have been focusing on my health and my baby. I have been going out for long walks daily without the tension to call back home and coordinate the rishta process or any other headache issue...I have been focusing a lot on my diet as well and combined with the long walks I am finally loosing some of the wieght I have gained due to pregnancy. hurray! :D
however whenever I do call my parents a new story starts. they seem to interpret every single thing as a result of my sister's marriageg into a so-called low caste family. it seems that they are considering themselves as victims of a socail boycott around them, both from relatives and friends cuz they didnt inform anyone about the wedding and married their daughter to a man who belongs to a caster lower than theirs.....I had never imagined that my family belongs to such ignorant ppl..but unfortunately they do!!no matter how much I try to see the positives they success to bring in the negatives!!!
Most of all I feel bad cuz their financial situation is so bad that they are lacking behind in everything. while I am saving for a new house and stuff..am I being wrong? why am I feeling bad about fulfilling my dreams when I have already helped them earlier on but due to their lack of planning they keep falling into the same financial burden....I want to save now so that I can be home with the kids later on. if i give away my savings I have to start all over again and wont be able to spend time with the kids in their young age....my parents dont know about my saving though but they do know that hubby and I are quiet well-off .....
Re: Need to vent..
guy's family is apparantly 'tarkaan'..carpenters..my parents are produ chaudaries...
Re: Need to vent..
you have to remember when tomorrow your kids grow up you shouldnt give then a chance to complain mom dad because you gave all your savings away we dont have this or that (an extreme but still)
you should help your sister financial but create a balance between what is your kids/family's right and what you should give to your relatives
true...thanks for the reminder..didnt think of my child's rigths...feel like a bad mum...
Re: Need to vent..
guy's family is apparantly 'tarkaan'..carpenters..my parents are produ chaudaries...
let your parents know that our last and final prophet Muhammad (pbuh) used to be shepherd.
Re: Need to vent..
ufff what a turbulent week so far!!! mum keeps calling and trying to make me feel sorry for her and dad....sometimes she succeeds...I was the key part in the rishta process so no wonder they try to make me feel bad for my efforts...my sister is happily married but the rest of the family is just depressed and feeling sorry for itself for the social boycott they think they are being part of
on one hand I have my family's dramas and issues and on the other hand I have my in-laws issues...MIL was in town but didnt want to stay at our place for Eid celebration. it was my baby's first Eid ul Adha and MIL had promised to take us out for Eid dinner. FIL brought her over the day before Eid and she cancelled the programme. We didnt have much groceries to prepare a proper Eid meal but she didnt care that she was cancelling it last moment. I did tell her that she should have let us know in advance and that I have a baby to take care of i addition to prepare a lastminute Eid meal...but there was absolutely no response and she started comparing my lack of sleep with hers...and behaved really weird...from that day till the day after Eid she was making constant drama without any reason...she started yelling at FIL and hubby and it all ended up in a big fight resulting in her leaving the town all by herself while FIL is staying with us.....
I litereally collapsed after this. couldnt get up from the bed. feeling tired all the time and my mood is just not right....on top of that mum keeps calling and complaining....I feel like I am gonna explode!!!!!
We live in a small appartment and FIL is staying with us. love the way he supports me with household work and babysitting but I miss my space and most of all miss going out for my long walks with toddler all alone...he accompanies me everywhere which means I have no space home or outside unless when I breastfeed, nap or am in the bathroom....feels a bit exhasting on top of my all other emotions.
FIL is really great and I dont want to hurt his feelings. but any idea on how I say that I need to go out alone? or is it too rude yet and maybe I should wait some more days?
Re: Need to vent..
Most of all I feel bad cuz their financial situation is so bad that they are lacking behind in everything. while I am saving for a new house and stuff..am I being wrong? why am I feeling bad about fulfilling my dreams when I have already helped them earlier on but due to their lack of planning they keep falling into the same financial burden....I want to save now so that I can be home with the kids later on. if i give away my savings I have to start all over again and wont be able to spend time with the kids in their young age....my parents dont know about my saving though but they do know that hubby and I are quiet well-off .....
Think of it this way...as a child, if your parents prioritized their own siblings/extended family members over you and your siblings....do you remember how it felt? If it felt unfair and wrong? If so....then don't put your kids through the same thing.
Being a good child is important but its more important to be a good and responsible parent.....and prioritizing other relatives over own immediate family's needs is irresponsible.
Re: Need to vent..
Think of it this way...as a child, if your parents prioritized their own siblings/extended family members over you and your siblings....do you remember how it felt? If it felt unfair and wrong? If so....then don't put your kids through the same thing.
Being a good child is important but its more important to be a good and responsible parent.....and prioritizing other relatives over own immediate family's needs is irresponsible.
SO true:) I remember how my parents would prioritize their siblings and parents over us....not a good feeling...thanks for the reminder..
Re: Need to vent..
ufff what a turbulent week so far!!! mum keeps calling and trying to make me feel sorry for her and dad....sometimes she succeeds...I was the key part in the rishta process so no wonder they try to make me feel bad for my efforts...my sister is happily married but the rest of the family is just depressed and feeling sorry for itself for the social boycott they think they are being part of
on one hand I have my family's dramas and issues and on the other hand I have my in-laws issues...MIL was in town but didnt want to stay at our place for Eid celebration. it was my baby's first Eid ul Adha and MIL had promised to take us out for Eid dinner. FIL brought her over the day before Eid and she cancelled the programme. We didnt have much groceries to prepare a proper Eid meal but she didnt care that she was cancelling it last moment. I did tell her that she should have let us know in advance and that I have a baby to take care of i addition to prepare a lastminute Eid meal...but there was absolutely no response and she started comparing my lack of sleep with hers...and behaved really weird...from that day till the day after Eid she was making constant drama without any reason...she started yelling at FIL and hubby and it all ended up in a big fight resulting in her leaving the town all by herself while FIL is staying with us.....
I litereally collapsed after this. couldnt get up from the bed. feeling tired all the time and my mood is just not right....on top of that mum keeps calling and complaining....I feel like I am gonna explode!!!!!
We live in a small appartment and FIL is staying with us. love the way he supports me with household work and babysitting but I miss my space and most of all miss going out for my long walks with toddler all alone...he accompanies me everywhere which means I have no space home or outside unless when I breastfeed, nap or am in the bathroom....feels a bit exhasting on top of my all other emotions.
FIL is really great and I dont want to hurt his feelings. but any idea on how I say that I need to go out alone? or is it too rude yet and maybe I should wait some more days?
If your sister is happy, why can't you just ignore the drama? Its too much to ask for your family to ignore it...but surely you can ignore it as well right?
Did your MIL give a reason WHY she cancelled?
How long is your FIL staying with you?
Re: Need to vent..
If your sister is happy, why can't you just ignore the drama? Its too much to ask for your family to ignore it...but surely you can ignore it as well right?
Did your MIL give a reason WHY she cancelled?
How long is your FIL staying with you?
I do ignore all the drama but my mum REMINDS me daily and that effects my mood a lot! If I am on top of things it wouldnt but I have huge lack of sleep these days...which makes things feel worse. I am happy for my sister and feel sorry for the rest of the family for their jahalat!!!
MIL cancelled cuz she didnt want to celebrate with us. She told FIL that she would prepare her own Eid meal and didnt want to come to our place. She is just like that..always behaving like this at happy occasions!Always!!
FIL staying for a month or so..
Re: Need to vent..
Ignore the phone calls? say my phone was off or you were in the bathroom or baby's sleeping or the battery's dead and u can't find the charger etc.
that's pretty nasty of her....but if this is how she always is then stop expecting anything from her...next time she suggests something like this, I'd make a (secret) second plan just in case...even if it's just buying groceries and keeping them in stock for a last minute meal prep.
FIL seems nice, so that's a good thing..( aren't most FILs nice :))...is it possible for you to leave your child with him, even for a few minutes?
Re: Need to vent..
Ignore the phone calls? say my phone was off or you were in the bathroom or baby's sleeping or the battery's dead and u can't find the charger etc.
that's pretty nasty of her....but if this is how she always is then stop expecting anything from her...next time she suggests something like this, I'd make a (secret) second plan just in case...even if it's just buying groceries and keeping them in stock for a last minute meal prep.
FIL seems nice, so that's a good thing..( aren't most FILs nice :))...is it possible for you to leave your child with him, even for a few minutes?
I have ignored the calls a few weeks back and had a good time but then felt bad cuz dad is ill and needed to talk to him as well.
I didnt figure out abt MIL before my baby was born and all her dramas back then. She makes a huge fuss about an occassion and plans a lot and gets me all exited and when things are to happen she backs off. Now that I know this I will never fall for it again!
FIL is really nice. He takes care of my baby boy all the day, helps me in cooking and cleaning and is really nice. I just feel like that cuz of lack of space and feel like going for long walks alone with baby boy without making FIL feel he is not welcome.its nothing personal -just my habit of going for walks alone that I am missing a lot...
I think I will wait a few more days so FIL feels welcome here and then I can perhaps go out for walks with baby boy while FIL naps during the day....
Re: Need to vent..
Your sis is lucky she had you to look out for her.. Does she visit your parents/family a lot since getting married? Maybe their hearts will soften and they will start to see sense as time goes on..
Re: Need to vent..
Your sis is lucky she had you to look out for her.. Does she visit your parents/family a lot since getting married? Maybe their hearts will soften and they will start to see sense as time goes on..
My sis visit my parents a few times a week. Before I left country I made sure she came over with her hubby to visit after her wedding. But they havent visited my parents after that and my parents dont made any effort to invite her over...she just goes there when she has a chance cuz parents are ill and depressed..she says she has to listen to dad's blaims everytime she is there..that its her fault he got ill etc etc..but Alhamdulillah sister is happy with hubby and he is a really really nice guy!!!
Re: Need to vent..
"Hubby was doing his best and was just the best!he took so much care of me"
Hang on to him, do not let go, and be happy with him and your newborn :)
Congratulations, Mom!!
Re: Need to vent..
So every woman dreams of being taken care of after she has given birth and so did I! I know that life isnt perfect and you cant get it all but I just hoped to be taken care of in a nice way. I just have too many things that I need to get off my chest, hence posting here. cuz I dont want to share it with any friend inc ase they start judging my family or in-laws. I am Alhamdulillah very happy and grateful for my baby. and just need to cleanse my system reg. all the other stuff happening around me
I was due in June and had a beautiful baby boy. I had a normal delivery but had some serious damage and was therefore separated from my newborn for 7 hours right after birth as I had to undergo an operation. that itself came as an unpleasant surprise and was quiet traumatic for me cuz I felt paralyzed for days due to the operation and didnt get the time with my baby as I had dreamt of in the days before his birth.
I didnt have anyone from my family with me. my mother was in Pakistan for holidays. same with my elder sister while the other sister had just returned from Pakistan. my 2 other siblings couldnt be there due to their exams. dad was ill so he couldnt come either. MIL and FIl had come 2 weeks before due date and where staying at SILs place.
When the baby was born we called hubby's parents and MIL started complaining why we didnt call her before the baby was born when we were on our way to the hospital so she didnt even congratulate us at all!that was the beginning of an unexpected and unpleasant time with her! When in laws came to visit at the hospital I wasnt able to get out of bed and go and see them. I was in a special unit and therefore not allowed to have any visitors at the bed. SIL left for Pakistan and we didnt meet up. She didnt bother to call and congratulate before leaving or even send a text and ask how I was doing! So when I finally met MIL she didnt even bother to ask me how I was doing and if I was better now...I wasnt getting nutritous food and she made lots of problems when it came to cooking for me. In the meantime my mother had been told that I was unwell and hubby tried to get her to come from Pakistan ASAP to be with me but she didnt respond to that.just stayed quiet on the phone....
I felt really weak and needed care. Hubby was doing his best and was just the best!he took so much care of me but still there was stuff that only a woman could help me with....
When I came home from the hospital I was drained. I was there 3-4 days more than normal. MIL still didnt ask me what happened and why they had me for so long. Instead she told me to do my laundry in that condition!!then she was doing lods of drame when it came to cooking for me that I had to ask hubby to take over the cooking for me. In general she was totally not nice or had any empathy. She even started arguing over why certain family members were getting mithai, cuz she disliked those people. All in all she made things very difficult at a time when I needed the most care and love. She didnt even say mubarak when we named our baby.
My sister, brother and bhabi came over and helped out a lot we had a good time for some days before they left.
After 4 weeks time I went to see my family. My mother had returned from Pakistan. I was looking forward to be taken care of and to have a more relaxing time there than with my in laws...when I got there, it was chaos. My sister A who was in Paksitan had an argument with my khala who is also my other sister B's MIL so my sister B was pissed off at sister A for being so slefish and not thinking about her delicate situation with her in-laws. So she decided to stop talking to her and cutting off all contact. When sister B's husband found out he came over to my parents place and shouted at them and told them to control our sister A who has a habit of arguing with literally everyone in the family. so much for a peaceful post natal time!!! he left after several hours of shouting and arguing with my parents leaving them chocked and despaired...all very disturbing to see n hear!specially to see how sad my dad was after this…
A few days later a rishta came for my youngest sister. It was outside our caste. Big no no in the family. But my sister kept insisting. A new drama was created. New chaos. I got involved as my sister asked me to help her out in this situation. For 2 months I was involved in this process and they finally said yes to the rishta!! However my sister B’s husband called the family in Pakistan and told them of this engagement between a socalled high caste and low caste family and a new drama appeared. My uncle who is also my bhabi’s father called and yelled at my mother and mentioned honour killings etc. this resulted in me talking to my uncle and threatening him with police in order to make him keep quiet. Drama, drama, drama!! My other uncle has told my mum that she is dead to him and the rest of the family because she accepted the rishta that seems to be of a lower caste. My father’s family stopped speaking to him. And my parents have spent their whole lives serving their families financially!!!
Nikkah took place and my sister got married in a haste in order to avoid more drama in the family. My sister B’s husband didn’t attend the wedding, only the nikkah for a short while. And he wasn’t even allowing my sister to attend the weddig…though she ended up coming to the wedding party anyways….
My parents are totally devastated. I feel sorry for them. 2 of their daughters are not talking to each others, their families in Pakistan have disowned them, father’s health is really bad, At the same time my parents financial situation is really really bad. I feel bad cuz I have money in my saving account but I don’t feel like I can offer them that money as it is my husband’s and mine common savings. I have given them 10.000 £ before and just given them around 1500£ recently while also paying for some of my sister’s wedding expenses and gave my own gold to mum so she could give it to sister’s mother in law..even though mum got loads of gold that she could give from herself….
I am so drained right now..just need to vent and let it all out. I feel so empty…did I do something wrong by supporting my sister and getting involved in the rishta process..?? I am suffering from a severe postnatal depression and not getting any treatment for that. I am alone here with the baby most of the day while hubby is at work. No friends or family around…I haven’t had energy to bond properly with my baby boy in the past 4 months…is it too late now? He is mashaallah so adorable…too cute!!! But I am just so emptyminded and don’t have energy to laugh or play with him….
Wow alot has happened. And I really feel that you should have deserved a WAY BETTER rest than you recieved, but what is done is done and now your past that. Your family still has each other so what's the stress? I wouldn't want anything to do with someone who would disown me if I had done something against their wishes. That is not right, I live MY life the way I want to. Your family is doing the right thing so do not worry.
It is never to late to play with your little one. I know how you feel though. when I got too skinny I didn't feel like playing with my little brother. I missed out on about 1 year and 2 months of his life. Ever since I gained weight and started feeling better I realized how much fun it is to play with him and my little sister (5 years old). So it's never to late to have fun with them ^ _ ^.