I am going to meet a guy’s family for the rishta thing this weekend and I don’t have the slightest idea how am I suppose to behave. The guy has already met my family back home and now he wanted me to meet him and his family. They are in another state.
My mom told me that when the family came to meet their women doned hijaab and they seem a religious conservative kind of family. They are looking for some one who will be able to adjust in their family well. I had a look at the guy’s background and he seems reasonable so I am kindda inclined towards to making it work. My family also liked him.
On the other hand I am a professional, confident and outgoing women. I am religious to an extent like I pray/fast/pay zakat regularly but I don’t cover my head. I wear modest non revealing clothes. I love doing household chores like cooking, cleaning etc. despite my demanding career but I also enjoy activities like swimming, hiking, movies.
I know these things will come afterwards, this is just the first step. What I want to know is about this first encouter. How can I make a good first impression? I decided that I am going to wear shalwar kameez. Other then that what should I be worried about? Should I not speak as much as I normally do and act shy/reserved? Should I talk with the guy directly and ask him questions or not? Should I cover my head? Should I just wait for those people to ask me questions or can I initiate on my own? I am a very straight forward kind of a person which might be a negative in this scenerio :S
Heck I am so confused and worried, I have never been through such a situation. And my family won’t be with me also. Going for a CEO interview seems far much easier for me.
Please give me some suggestions. I would appreciate if the guys can give their input on this like what would they be expecting from a girl if they are in such a situation.
^^ Thanks but that is my worry. Desi families normally don't appreciate personalities of confident women. Most of the times it's misunderstood as having an attitude/prejudice making them not a suitable candidate for marriage
I don't think you should just be yourself, instead try to be your best self. I think your decision to wear shalwar kamiz is nice and it shows culture. If you don't mind then cover your head with the dupatta, I mean what is there to lose. I think they already know by now that you work and are a professional and they are ok with it so that shouldn't be a big deal.
As far as talking and everything else is concerned, try to listen more and talk less. I am sure they have more than a few questions that they would want to ask you so in either case you would probably be the one talking more. Do not act shy/reserved because people can tell fakeness pretty easily. Just be yourself and answer questions to the best of your ability. What a lot of people do wrong is that they just concentrate on the adults and answer their questions or ask them one or two things. Instead try to involve the younger generation too and ask them questions about their skools and studies. People seem to apprieciate that a lot more and it gives a sense that you bond well with the whole family.
As far as asking the guy any questions is concerned, I think his grilling was done when he came to your place. You should have asked bulk of your questions then. If you still have a few questions to ask them yeah go ahead and ask but don't start grilling him there.
Since you don't do hijab, no need to cover your head just for this meeting. If they are good people they will see the modest good Muslim you are from the inside.
Let him initiate a conversation and ask the first question(s), and you should answer them however you please. This is where you want him to know the real you. Once he started the convo, you're open to asking him any questions and keep the conversation flowing.
Speaking to the parents, you should do modestly. Don't ask any question, let them keep the conversation going. With the parents keep it simple and straight.
chipotle - i am in a similar scenario as u, except i've already seen the guy and he even asked me if i had any questions, but because it was the first time and i was a nervous wreck i just sat there and said 'hehe no questions' when reality is i was dying to ask him.. LOOOL. but he has made plans to come to ours this weekend, so am hoping i might be able to have a 1 on 1 with him......
oh and with regards to whether you should talk or not, i find desi mentality a bit stupid. if they go to see a girl and shes talking, the boys side might think 'she didnt shut up, had no sharam, etc etc'. so, i've decided to just stay quiet and hopefully the guy wont catch me looking at him, hehe.
As all others said.....dont fake ur personality...be who u are...shalwar kameez is nice but if u dont cover ur head...then dont do it infront of them as well...it will be like giving them a wrong impression of urself!
Be confident and urself...hope all goes well :) baki to joray aasmanon main bantay hain....good luck! :)
I don't think you should just be yourself, instead try to be your best self. I think your decision to wear shalwar kamiz is nice and it shows culture. If you don't mind then cover your head with the dupatta, I mean what is there to lose. I think they already know by now that you work and are a professional and they are ok with it so that shouldn't be a big deal.
As far as talking and everything else is concerned, try to listen more and talk less. I am sure they have more than a few questions that they would want to ask you so in either case you would probably be the one talking more. Do not act shy/reserved because people can tell fakeness pretty easily. Just be yourself and answer questions to the best of your ability. What a lot of people do wrong is that they just concentrate on the adults and answer their questions or ask them one or two things. Instead try to involve the younger generation too and ask them questions about their skools and studies. People seem to apprieciate that a lot more and it gives a sense that you bond well with the whole family.
As far as asking the guy any questions is concerned, I think his grilling was done when he came to your place. You should have asked bulk of your questions then. If you still have a few questions to ask them yeah go ahead and ask but don't start grilling him there.
Hope it helps
Thanks LibranRulz you actually understood my dilemma very well. I'll definitly try to follow the suggestions you had given.
Just to clarify I have never met that guy. He and his family got my family's information from some rishta agency in Pakistan so they went and had met them, at that time I was here in US.
It would have been really easier if I would have been there in presence of both of our families, now I just feel weird on going over to them alone
Be yourself. If you pretend to be something you're not how long will you be able to keep up a pretence?
Honestly I don't get this. How come trying to do an effort to please some one becomes pretending.
I don't cover my head normally but when there are buzurgs around like my dada/nana I do that so I am not sure whether doing the same in front of the new family is pretending or not.
And it also should not be a big issue if I am planning to change some thing in me for the longer run as per their requirements, aren't marriages suppose to be about comprmises to start with
Listen it is like going for an interview where you put your best foot forward. People do take everything you say/do with a grain of salt. They expect you to be on your best behaviour and best self. So if they are expecting it then why not give them your best self instead of your average everyday self. What is so wrong with it ..
Chipotle, if you would be fine with taking a dupatta over your head later if asked to, then by all means do cover your head… just don’t set unrealistic expectations.
Secondly, you are going all by yourself?
Listen it is like going for an interview where you put your best foot forward. People do take everything you say/do with a grain of salt. They expect you to be on your best behaviour and best self. So if they are expecting it then why not give them your best self instead of your average everyday self. What is so wrong with it ..
True, that's how I am trying to take it also i.e an interview at Goldman Sachs
Honestly I don't get this. How come trying to do an effort to please some one becomes pretending.
I don't cover my head normally but when there are buzurgs around like my dada/nana I do that so I am not sure whether doing the same in front of the new family is pretending or not.
And it also should not be a big issue if I am planning to change some thing in me for the longer run as per their requirements, aren't marriages suppose to be about comprmises to start with
At which point did I say don't cover your head? That's YOUR decision, nobody elses. I'm sure you're old enough to know what to do. I said be yourself.
Since you don't do hijab, no need to cover your head just for this meeting. If they are good people they will see the modest good Muslim you are from the inside.
Let him initiate a conversation and ask the first question(s), and you should answer them however you please. This is where you want him to know the real you. Once he started the convo, you're open to asking him any questions and keep the conversation flowing.
Speaking to the parents, you should do modestly. Don't ask any question, let them keep the conversation going. With the parents keep it simple and straight.
Nice input, Thanks alot. I hope they would be asking questions I know the answers of.
Any idea what kind of questions I should be expecting? they already know about my job and qualifications
What else they can ask??
Nice input, Thanks alot. I hope they would be asking questions I know the answers of.
Any idea what kind of questions I should be expecting? they already know about my job and qualifications
What else they can ask??
**
They are going to be asking questions to get to know you more then just what work you do and your qualifications. Like can you manage a household with a career. How family orientated you are. What can you bring to this new family that no one else can. Deep down are you a down to earth person. Are you a perfect match for their son.
Obviously these questions will be indirect, not necessarily in your face, but for the most part this is what they want to know.
As for the guy, he is wanting to know if your outgoing or stay at home type. What you like to do for fun. What type of friends you have. What are your short-term or long-term goals >> and further how will he be involved within these goals. What are your true accomplishments ( not just awards and such but things you have learned about yourself in each step of your life). Etc.
Remember you are already so comfortable within your own skin, so no need to spice up the answers or make them sound "cool." Be yourself.
And don't forget to really get to know him too. Just as much as you're nervous he is probably 10x more nervous. **
