Re: Need some help
My mother in law is just verbaly abusive and then she fills my husbands ears on false accusations, my brother in law also fill ears of my husband with FALSE accusations, my father in law throws things around when he is upset, and then makes me clean them up, and watches while I clean and makes statements on how I clean, nothing I do is good enough for him. I do give him/them money and me and my husband have given them credit cards for any thing they need, I do clean , cook, iron their clothes, take them out, everything.... they are happy for a while and them they get abusive again. I dont know what I can do to make them happy, and frankly I am tired of trying beacuse my husband doesnt realize anything and finds falt in me every time. I was raised in USA but know my culture and respect it very much. I dont want anyone to tell me that since I am a American I dont do enough so I try every harder to make every one happy.........I just did not expect my life to be like this after marriage.... My husband has told me that If I cant live happily with his parents I can leave.... His parents are the most important people in his life.... as much as it hurt me to hear this I respect his feelings beacuse I love my parents as well and would do anything for them , but at the same time if they take advantage of him I would stand up for him....
May Allah give me a bigger heart so I can learn to live with this or give me a way out of this SOON!!!!!................
From what I seen, getting others involved to tell them that they are wrong will only increase their resolve to single you out more than ever or create more hatred towards you even if they try not to show it. Living in a family where you have no communication with them is equally torturous.
Changing your husbands heart will not get you peace with his parents either because they will view it as you snatched away their son or turned him against them. And it will be a difficult balancing act for your husband putting him in awkward situations all the time. Since your husband pretty much does not say a word to them, the change in him will come from a change in his parents.
Your inlaws definitely have the sense of right and wrong, which is why they do not treat their son they way they do you. What you are facing is a problem found in most parents from our previous Desi generation, daughter-inlaws are more like property or servants to them. They went through the same thing believe me. Though there perceptions never changed even in their generation as our perpceptions about these things have changed. What you need to change is there perception of a daughter-inlaw. The you are wrong and right discussion will only lead to confrontation and no solution or at most temporary solution which takes effect as a lack of communication.
What I am saying is really the difficult path to take and you might think I am saying to play complacent and receive more insult for some time. You won't be wrong if that is how you perceive it but if you come out of it gaining their respect, its an enduring and long lasting solution.
You don't fight fire with fire. You put out fire with water. If the water is not sufficient enough it takes a few tries. What I mean is that their abuse has to be met with kindness and help. The more you intensify it, eventually it will break them out of their little world but it all depends on your endurance.
Its always nice to take a stand for what is right but you also need to open up your eyes to the realities around you. Our previous generation venerates respect and feigns at crossing them. Its more difficult to change them than it is to win them over.
The reality is even though you were raised in a western culture, but you don't belong to it and there is a gap between you and your previous generation. Your kids inshallah will not have the same issues as you since both of you will have been raised in the same culture. The other realities are if you are willing to risk a confrontational approach then you must also realize what comes in the eventuality of a divorce. If you belonged to the western culture and people, no problem, breakup and marry another. They do it all the time and accept it as a reality of life. In most muslim countries, our cultures really look down upon divorced women (not saying it is right but it is reality). You have also realize if your actions lead to that then are you willing to endure it and live it out if you do not get married again.
This is as real as life gets. You cannot run away from wrongs and expect them to change by themselves and say I took a stand and separated from it. You still left the wrong as it is. Infact you will shut yourself out of life if you keep running away from wrongs when they happen to you instead of trying to fight it back and change it. Taking a stand is not always the best to way to bring about change.
I asked whether you have kids, the reason I asked is because your kids can bridge your gap between you and your inlaws. They definitely would love their grandchildren. And if you make the grandchildren love and respect them in front of them they will indirectly see you for the good of it.
You do not need to stand up for ideals here but require tact. Inshallah! I hope things work for you. And if it gets really bad as like your husband or inlaws are physically abusing you then it is time to break away or give serious thoughts about separating ways or taking drastic measures as separating from the family of inlaws.
I pray that the issues you have resolve soon inshallah.
@ in-laws have help from shaytaan…