OK i wasn’t thinking i would ever post this here but i really need some advice.
There was a guy i was crazy abt when i was 14. And believe me it wasn’t infatuation. He also loved me. I was in Pakistan at that time. Things went wrong, my mom told me to cut it out and forget him. I didn’t even say bye to him and I did not talk to him after that.
Now I’m 18. I have been living in New York for 4 years now. I was crazy depressed all these 4 years. He sent me an email in january this year saying he has been looking for me for 4 years. He is now living in England. He went to Pakistan to look for me. He said he wants to marry me. I told my mom right away when he sent me that mail. My mom set some conditions. She said she wants him here in the US. She also wants him to have a proper job and everything and be totally settled here if he wants to marry me. I told him but he said that he wont get a visa for here. I have tried so many times to tell him to atleast try but he said he has to go to PK to get his visa and if he doesn’t get it then it would be a waste of money. He has been working really hard in England and working too to pay for his studies. He has been establishing him self in England for 4 years and he said he can’t just come here to c my parents and leave everything he has been working hard for for 4 years. He told me to convince my parents.
Now, my mom…when i told her .. she said she rather not marry me than marry me to some ajnabi.
Also, his family wants him to get married by next year or so. And I have 2 older sisters who are not married yet. That gives my parents another reason to say no.
I love my family and him and i dont want to lose either. I don’t know what to do. I tried to convince my mom to just let me go with him but she said no. I tried to talk to him about atleast trying and he said no too. I feel like i am being sandwiched here…because i love my family and i love him.
He is done with his studies. Also, he is sunni and kashmiri, exactly what we are. He is also from a decent family. So my parents dont really have a good reason to say no to him. They just don’t know him and they can’t unless he comes here and tries to settle here, which he will not do.
Now my mom knows I’m mature enough to get married. So thats not the reason.
I do understand my parent’s side and I understand his too. But I really don’t know what to do.
All i can do is sit here and cry or just pray.
Sorry, just wanted to take it all out. I dont even know if I make any sense
Have you had any contact with him over the past 4 years?? If you haven’t, do you really know him at all? When you were 14, you knew him as an adolescent. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to sound condescending at all.
What I’m trying to say is that you need to actually get to know him first and what he’s like now that you are both adults. Realistically, you are only 18 and will meet more guys in life if you are willing and open to the idea. Anyway, how old is he???
I know him really well now. He mailed me in January and we have been in contact since then. We email each other almost everyday and sometimes talk on the phone.
I think i know a lot about him. I told my mom that too. Yes you are right but i have known him for almost 8 months now and i knew him before too. It takes a life time to know a person inside out though.
I did not have any contact with him over these past 4 years. I didn't even knwo where he was and neither did he.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Sheraz CT: *
is he like illegal in UK? if he is not then why can't he just get the damn visa and come here..if he can't even do that then lanat bhaijo
[/QUOTE]
He has a residence visa in UK. He says that if he stays there longer he can even get citizenship. Which is why he wants to stay there. He does not want to move here. His parents are also kinda against him coming here. :(
see the thing is if he can get the visa then he should atleast come and meet ur family once..right now he is totally stranger to them..i mean if he really loves u then he should..UK isnt that far away from the US..if ur parents like him and his family..they won't mind u being married to him and live in UK
i can't blame ur parents..ur boy needs to make an effort
In long-distance situations like this, it is absolutely pivotal for the guy to come to meet you and your family first. That's just the way it is in our culture. He has to show your parents that he is serious and not just 'having fun' or 'messing about'. I know YOU know that he isn't, but your parents also need reassurance and I don't blame them. If he is serious, then he should want to meet you and your parents ASAP so that they can give their approval and get the ball rolling.
Yes you are right. I dont blame my parents either coz watever they are doing, u know…meri bhalai kay liyay.
He keeps on saying ‘wats the point…u know ur parents r never going to like me’
his lawyer told him there is no way he can get the visa so thts why he is like ‘why even try’
He is a real pessimist. He is really religious. Paanch waqt ki namazain parhta hai and when i say leave it all on Allah, he is like ‘well that doesnt’ mean ur not going to take any step’
we always get into a fight when we try to talk about this. Which is why i stopped talking about it. Whish is why i am depressed. Which is why i am talking to you guys here about it.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by MehnazQ: *
Sheraz is right.
In long-distance situations like this, it is absolutely pivotal for the guy to come to meet you and your family first. That's just the way it is in our culture. He has to show your parents that he is serious and not just 'having fun' or 'messing about'. I know YOU know that he isn't, but your parents also need reassurance and I don't blame them. If he is serious, then he should want to meet you and your parents ASAP so that they can give their approval and get the ball rolling.
[/QUOTE]
Yes you both are right. But how do i convince him ??
He just loses it whenever we talk about it.
One day hes like ' ok i'll do watever u want me to do' and the next day 'aap kay parents bohat shartain rakh rahain hain' ....
and i dont want to lose him so i try to keep it cool
well in that case..u are only 18..u have two sisters infront of u..u can wait for a few more years..by that time hopefully he will become legal and would get the american visa..zara jazbaat per kaboo rakho..if Allah wants you two to get married..it will happen
depress honay kay bajaye concentrate on ur studies..be practical..watch less indian movies lol
starz how old is he? how will he support you and himself ? and you are just 18...i dont think you should hurry too much to get married at this age...i my opinion you should wait for another 4 years atleast ... concentrate on your studies ...
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Sheraz CT: *
well in that case..u are only 18..u have two sisters infront of u..u can wait for a few more years..by that time hopefully he will become legal and would get the american visa..zara jazbaat per kaboo rakho..if Allah wants you two to get married..it will happen
depress honay kay bajaye concentrate on ur studies..be practical..watch less indian movies lol
[/QUOTE]
but his parents want him to get married this year. i can wait. i'm ok with it. but his parents...arghhh...
tht wat i'm trying to do but he keeps on bringing it up out of no where
well if hes forcing you to convince your parents, why cant he do the same with his ?
or may be a compromise of waiting 2-3 years from both the sides…in the mean time he can ask his parents to talk to your parents and sort things out…i know it is very simple to just say but still…agar theek se socha jaye to everything is possible…and also you get 2-3 years to complete your study and know him better as well…
agree with sheraaz n Mehnaz with the lanat part :)
O I also agree with Daagh bhai, why is he asking you to make all the sacrifices? and why dont u want to finish your studies?
I guess you dont know what it means to have a degree and being completely independent
Daagh bhai i can finish my studies after getting married....my parents r not worried abt that. They know i'm not gonna stop talking to him so they want to make this talking n loving him legal byt marrying us. But they just want him to come here n try to get setttled here.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Sheraz CT: *
simple si baat hai..if he loves you..he can tell his parents to chill for a while..he is only 24..konsi bache ki ummar nikli jaa rahi hai
[/QUOTE]
