I am from abroad and recently got married in Pakistan(arranged by parents). Alhamduliah everything was great when I was in Pakistan and we had a great time together but ever since I came back things are not going well. My wife often gets mad at little things and stops talking to me. I thought and still think she is a great girl but don’t know what’s going on. The sudden change in attitude is hard for me to understand and I now think that she probably didn’t wanna get married but wasn’t able to tell he parents. I was born and raised abroad so it’s hard for me to understand how Pakistani girls think and operate. I am trying my best to make things better but it’s not working. I would love to understand what’s going on in her head so any advice from you guys would be appreciated.
Re: Need some advice…
Marrying someone you hardly know always works out great. There are huge cultural and personality differences bw people brought up here and over there. Anger is a result of unmet expectations. When my SIL came from Pakistan she was livid with me because I could not provide servants to look after her. I am sure her life here is not what she expected and maybe misses home. Sit down with her and encourage her to talk about her feelings. Do you ghoomao phiraoo her and tell her that she is your sunshine. Compliments and appreciation works.
Re: Need some advice…
Thanks Bobby1 for your reply,
Dude she is still in Pakistan with her parents, and i am not there. I do everything I can to tell her how much she means to me, send her flowers, chocolates, gifts. Send her messages and she doesn’t reply for days, sometimes weeks. Then suddenly she starts talking but only to find another excuse to stop talking. I am really lost.
Re: Need some advice…
Seems like your assessment may have been right you need to back down and see how she reacts. Sometimes people there take kindness and affection for weakness and inferiority. Some people wipe their feet of kind and generous people. Do you have connections there to find out if she might have been interested locally? Life is too short for this chit..give it a try but be prepared to cut your losses.
Re: Need some advice…
Distance can cause an issue in relationships. Are you able to go and visit her?
Re: Need some advice…
Being away from your spouse after marriage is hard. I assume you have begun the immigration process. Just keep her posted, and try to bring her over asap.
Re: Need some advice…
I am kind of finding it weird that this early on in marriage , she isnt responding to you . When you left , was it in good terms?
Is she ready to move with you , abroad and away from her family?
Long distance relationships can be tough but only when its very long term. When its just a few months , waiting for immigration kind of distance , I doubt long distance relationship syndrome applies !
I like what Bobby said above , Anger is a result of unmet expectations. Can you find out more from her about whats bugging her? give her space to talk before you assume.
Pakistani girls can be shy , may take time to open up sometimes . So give her some time .
If you still see some attitude issues then step back and see how she reacts . If she is genuinely interested in keeping this relationship , then she will work with you to iron out issues .
Re: Need some advice…
Unfortunately, this is red flag material to me. I’ve seen one divorce within 6 months of marriage and one engagement breakoff for the exact same reasons. Both couples were having WhatsApp fights for no rhyme or reason and the girls perpetually needed to be coaxed back into communicating with their guys. Even hearing this from the girl’s side seemed dumb. This dynamic is only for movies and has no place with mature adults. Communication is key in any relationship and the fact that she stops communicating is going to bite your ass in the long run because without proper conflict resolution dynamics your problems will only get worse with a sullen wife.
I really think you need to ask her whether she’s serious about the relationship. Talk about how much you prefer to resolve an issue with her rather than without her. If she’s not interested then she needs to tell you.
Re: Need some advice…
This ^
Re: Need some advice…
This is a very common issue faced by Pakistani living in the west. Your parents would have had good intentions for you and of course the girl but many things are never what they seem. Obviously the girl sounds to be very young and her parents are happy that you chose their daughter as she is of marriagable age and can live abroad in an environment which would be relatively peaceful and calm compared to Pakistan. Also as you have lived I suppose for quite some time in a western country you are used to the routine there but was not able to find anyone suitable in your western country, don’t know which country that is as yes it is hard to find someone suitable in the west. But going back to Pakistan and trying to find someone there in these times is quite a risky venture. The girl of course would not want to displease her parents and not say no. Also did you meet before hand in person before the marriage too place or did you just meet over the internet Whatsapp, Facetime etc. I am surprised that if you were born and raised abroad you could not find someone suitable in your country of birth. Your new wife could be behaving this way to try and control you or the situation, I think she is teething like a toddler does but for Pakistani women in particular it is a bit different they do find it hard to adjust to a western country on own. I think the best option is to cut your losses and just end the relationship as if already she is starting to act like this, imagine in day to day regular life how she will behave. IF she is not flexible now then what makes you think in the future she will be normal. Also there are many factors and variables to consider, don’t know much about your personality or appearance, maybe she is not attracted to you. Also will you give her a good lifestyle? there are many questions to consider and she is probably thinking now I have to submit to this man forever and he is not exactly what I wanted especially at this moment in my life, she might be quite young, don’t know her age. How old are you? What is the age difference like? Which background are you from and which background is she from, eg is she Pathan and you are Sindhi are you memon and she is punjabi, regional differences are there too. How will her lifestyle be like now married, did you have open conversation prior to marriage as to what are your expectations and her expectations in terms of daily living, like household chores, cleaning, budgeting, whether you want her to work? will she be able to study or work or just be a lady of leisure as you can provide a great lifestyle. so many variables to consider. Is she a social media addict, are you a video game addict. Also economically are you and her in equal footing, like are you from a middle class western background and she is from an upper or slightly lower economic class background in Pakistan like which region is she from? Also did you want to find someone from Pakistan intentionally as then you can control the woman? as a locally based woman it is not about control but they are knowledgable about how things are done and maybe you wanted a younger, more docile woman and who might be economically from a lower class than yours?
Many factors play a role as you can see in determining how a person reacts in desi culture in marriages and relationships in general. Also if it very stressful now when it has not really started, then consider how it will be over a year and years? Why are her parents very happy you have taken her off their shoulders? are they from a poorer background or think the grass is way better abroad and she is now out of our system at a young age, she is now your responsibility.
Better stop can write a thesis, many questions to consider see. it is all complicated as human beings are difficult.
Hope this helps.
hope these ideas help.
Re: Need some advice…
Ask her what the issue is and if she’s still playing schoolgirl games and/or doesn’t or isn’t able to say why then explain to her that you will be there for her when she is ready to tell you exactly what’s happening and that in the mean time you will give her some time to think things through. Let her then make the first move in contacting you.
Sadly, Pakistanis invest everything in achieving material goals but very little in trying to understand themselves and others around them, resulting in bachiana harkatain. I agree with @Bobby1’s advice re: create a bit of space between you and your wife so she learns that she cannot get away with treating you as she is.