need advice.

Lifestyle Relationships
1

alright so my significant other dated a non-desi. i am not mentioning ethnicity but regardless i feel he is still really into this other etnicity. Swears its not a fetsih, but actions indicate otherwise. he still checks out people of this ethnicty (although ofcourse very coyly), anything about thier culture…news anythings, he will comment on, even if negatively. i heard more then i wanted to about this other person during the earlier part of our relationship, it wasn’t a whole lot, dont get me wrong, just tit bits here and there. O! and continued to have this person as a friend on facebook, significantly into our relationship, and only removed after misleading me about the name and then when i demanded removal! oh things he dislikes about my looks and wants me to change would make me look more like this other ethnicity, well hair mostly.

i have never been jealous, don’t really like it as a trait in myself. But i dont know how to resolve the issue. i cant talk about b/c i dont want to come off jealous but i am upset. i mean is this normal. do folks just do this? does everyone have a fetish?

I mean i also liked ppl of other ethnicity, but he is like so different from anyone i have ever liked in every way including looks, that i cant even compare, and i dont!

2

Re: need advice.

first things first, you need to be able to talk to your significant other about ANYTHING, now matter how it might make you sound..and if you can't, then i don't think that relationship will last very long.

3

Re: need advice.

yea well we have already talked about it. he claims its in my head n i need to not be jealous. i think he could be very right. he was stupid enough to show me pretty pictures of her. then when i asked him why he was with me, he recited all these reasons, that had nothing to do with my looks at all. so i think it could be me, but he needs to be less of an idiot too.

anyway so i cant talk about it with him, b/c it could be in my head. also he already kinda knows and like i said claims its not true.

4

alright first thing wasn't very helpful. do u have a second?

5

Re: need advice.

oops - repeat

6

Re: need advice.

Deer...if a guy demands you change yourself to fit the mold of his ex...that means trouble. He shouldnt be commenting on your physical features or asking you to do your hair the way his ex did. Why did you stick around or listen? Anyone who would have heard those things would have insecurities...you're not abnormal.

If he still acts this way, he isnt over his ex and you're basically his rebound until he forgets her.

7

hmmm...well he didnt really say he wanted me to mold into his ex. quite the contrary thanks his lucky starts broke up with her and found me. but ...yea he asked me to do my hair a certian way which makes it look cleaner but also like this other ethnicity.

8

Re: need advice.

anyone else?! any good advice.....like slap him while he is sleeping and when he wakes up all will be well....?

9

Re: need advice.

He clearly seems like hes not over his past. If the past is still the present in YOUR relationship then u definately need to make him understand! LOOK i am not doing my hair like ur X did- or not looking at any other pics of ur X, tell him straight up- give an example to him-put him in ur shoes. Be like how would u feel if i still kept in contact with my x (if u had any) or showed u pics of him and told u i like that hair style so u should do it to.
Honestly, All this causes alot of insecurities in a relationship and you need to make him understand. If he loves you he really wont care how you do your hair or hurt u by still bringing up the past.

All in all, you need to make him realize that by talking it out- tell him it bothers you, other than that, dont let it get to you. be confident and strong, Im sure your beautiful inside and out. Dont let it bother you so much, talk it out a few times then hopefully he will understand if not then you really ought to think about the relationship. I mean you dont want to get hurt by his petty talks.

10

it wasn't helpful because it wasn't a solution. i was just commenting on the issue until i got preoccupied with something else and ended up submitting the reply without realizing i wasn't finished. anywho, i was going to say everything that Mabrook and Sali786 just said. i would say you take their advice.

11

Hi Deer,

I have quoted your post up above and I've highlighted some of your words that I feel you need to pay attention to.

We all get upset at people who have hurt us and it is normal to vent about them. But there is a limit even to venting. Too much of anything is not good. You said that you heard more than you wanted to about his ex. And then you tried to defend him by saying that he wasn't talking that much about her and that it was just little "tid bits" here and there. This, to me, is a contradiction. You have to be the judge here and decide if your boyfriend is still consumed by thoughts of his ex. This is a very uncomfortable situation to be in. It reflects a lack of courtesy on your boyfriend's part...........and to a certain degree......it also relects a lack of respect. I say this because I highly doubt that your boyfriend would like it if YOU *were to mention a whole lot of *"tid bits" here and there about some EX of YOURS.

Let's move on to the second sentence that I've highlighted in your quote. You said that this guy "MISLED" *you about the identity of the girl on his Facebook.......who happened to be his ex. If he does not have a guilty conscience, then he wouldn't have misled you in the first place. The *"misleading" takes place when one has something to hide. If he no longer has romantic feelings for this girl..........he could have simply told you "Yes, this is my ex. She's on Facebook as my friend. Don't worry, I have no feelings toward her." In my opinion the reason why he misled you about his ex's identity is because he STILL WANTED to keep her on his facebook friends list without you ever finding out about it. That's my guess. If this girl is nothing more than a friend, he shouldn't have had problems telling you who she is. ** ALSO.......you said that you **"demanded" he remove the ex from his facebook. Deer..........you can't demand or boss him around regarding his facebook account. That is HIS personal account.............and he has the RIGHT to include whomever he wants in his friends list. Often times, people have friends of the opposite gender on facebook.........would you "demand" that they be removed as well?

********* Keep in mind that "demanding" someone to do something will not solve the problem. If someone drinks alcohol, "demanding" **them to stop will not cause them to stop drinking for good. Similarly, **IF **your boyfriend STILL has subconscious secret romantic feelings for his EX............"demanding" him to remove pictures is not going to put a stop to those feelings (IF he has them**).

About the hairstyle issue.............WELL, it could also simply be that he prefers to see your hair in a certain way because he thinks you will look even prettier in it. For example, there are many husbands who prefer their wives to keep their hair long........or like it when their wives wear a certain color or style of clothing. It doesn't necessarily mean that he's putting you up against some other girl.

NOW.......if the request to make changes in your look are becoming frequent, then that's a problem. If he is constantly asking you to change your hairstyle. Or if he criticizes your hairstyle when you decide to do it differently, that's a problem. Because he needs to accept you as an individual. And he needs to understand that as an INDIVIDUAL you also like to dress according to your own tastes.

If you feel that you spend MAJORITY **of your time feeling undervalued in this relationship. If you feel that you spend **MOST of your time feeling annoyed about his comments (even the negatives ones) about this "other" ethnicity. If you feel that you are losing your individuality and that you're often miserable............THEN END THIS RELATIONSHIP. Why do you want to settle for a guy who makes you feel as though you're not good enough. Do you want a guy who loves you for YOU? Or do you want a guy who is treating you as a rebound?

If you feel that you STILL want to be with him........then talk to him about your concerns. See what he says. Give him another chance and observe his behavior. If there are no improvements........ditch him.

12

LOL, yeah if only things were that simple and a single slap could do the trick.

But, on a more serious note, slapping will not solve anything here. You have to decide what you want out of this relationship. You have to decide if you're feeling unsatisfied and undervalued or if you are content. You have to decide whether you want to try talking to him to see if things will get better...............or if you want to leave him because you think that talking will have not impact.

If you are feeling undervalued, then you need to ask YOURSELF why you are allowing yourself to put up with this guy and his tactless behavior? You need to ask yourself if you're afraid of not having a guy in your life? IF that's the case, then please understand that it's better to go single for a while and find the RIGHT guy.......as opposed to settling for someone whom you don't feel content with.

13

ok so he has never really, well never ever compared me to her. once i believe he even said thank goodness i broke up with the ugly *****. but he has also told me or certainly suggested that i am an over all better package then anyone else from his past. Of course that does not necessarily mean he thinks i am the best looking.
Now he talked about her specifically only once that i remember, i think there were maybe a couple of other times. the one time i do remember him talking about her was to tell me how she made a big fuss over him tipping a waitress too much money, so talked about her not in good context. But regardless it seems at least one other women was insecure around him other then me, so obviously he is doing something idiotic, its not just me. although he really tries in my case. sometimes texts me everyday at work telling me i am beautiful. But it seems disingenuous when he checks out other girls - sometimes even tells me about it. i told him to stop doing that so he has ....well is still working on it.
also if i recall he used to however talk about his ex's wouldn't specify who i assumed it was her. o n he kept mentioning over and over again how this particular ethnicity when born in america looks better. mentioned it quite a few times, so i brought it to his attention then he stopped. the point is when he talks about this ethnicity it make me feel like she is still there in his mind. not to mention he loves hanging out in ghettos of this particular ethnicity. although it could be a familiarity thing so thats not such a big deal.
i think mostly my major issue is him having the ex on his fb. why did i have to tell him to remove her. and he knew i was already insecure about that ex, so why keep her. he knew she was on his fb. why would anyone do that.....just makes no sense!! we never talked about that...i thought i would let that one go but i couldn't. that combined he also checks out girls from that ethnicity although less and less so now, has left me feeling insecure and angry.
anyway, i think i need to just address the whole fb issue b/c htat was wayyyy into our relationship and just so not right!! oh and he is still friends with this girls best friend who he initially claimed was his gf. i just feel its a trust thing. i coudl trust he is over her, but he kinda betrayed my trust by doing that, so i just dont know what to trust in re this whole situation. i feel he could make other stuff up to cover up his true feelings about this girl, or this ethnicity.anyway talking i think woudl probably be really good b/c otherwise i think i am slowly punishing myself and him for it.

he sometimes says things like oh such and such has a gf and she is from this ethnicity...so obviously its implied she is pretty simply b/c she belongs to that ethnicity and no other reason.
anyway, i am getting carried away. its not a make or break issue, but it does need to be addressed. i think its important for a girl to feel wanted in a relationship and he obviously doesn't know how to do that with me and apparently not with others either. maybe its a sharing of emotion thing, i dont know. although i think he is just immature in this regard, guys learn to be more coy about checking out girls. you can look at whaever filth you want, just dont do it infront of your significant other. i don't expect him suddenly stop finding anyone but me attractive but just dont do it infront of me. i think he is just less coy thats his problem amybe

at the moment we both have hands full with work, but soon enough i anticipate we will talk and i suspect we will resolve. the good thing is he is eager to resolve things, as much as i am, and we both are willing to make our compromise, although at times i concede a lt more then he does.
and no i am not desperate to be with a guy, thats not why i am with him. Believe me i have walked out on him before only briefly ...then i come back :) i doubt he even realizes i am gone!
no i am with him b/c we both value the other and are willing to make compromises accordingly to ensure we keep one another. That i think is becoming increasingly rare.