My parents aren’t educated and therefore havent gotten the idea that children become “adults” at 18 and can make their own well-thought out decisions. They also hold on to the Pakistani value that children should always be subservient to them. I know alot of other Pakistanis have these type of parents. How do you deal with such parents?
Re: Narcissistic parents
I totally agree with you and see many parents put their ego and power trips before the well being of their children. In many instances it is not possible to change their attitude and eventually they would rather lose their child then to compromise on their way of life. Good luck!
I have seen 50 yr olds who still cant exert their independence.
Re: Narcissistic parents
Were you confused when you wrote that post?
What has narcissism got to do with 'control'??? One can be controlling without being a narcissist. On the other hand, you will find many narcissists who are not controlling in normal sense of the word. They control their target(s) through twisted dirty games lies and stories indirectly through other people, not directly as in case of most paki parents.
Education has got nothing to do with being controlling. How come you have not seen cases where educated parents are over protective and where uneducated parents not only provide too much freedom to their kids in terms of choice of career and other areas of life but also fully support them. I saw all kinds if cases in college life. Everyone does. So how come you are unaware that university degrees do not train you on how to bring up kids.
Why you so sure that narcissistic, controlling or otherwise bad parents do not exist in non-paki communities. Plenty of cases of extremely controlling and bad parents in non paki/ non muslim societies that will make you want be grateful for your paki parents caring and protective attitude.
Is this some kind of survey for your dissertation? Why would you want to know when/how others got independent to manage their own lives' affairs? Or do you want to compare other people's lives with yours?
Re: Narcissistic parents
Were you confused when you wrote that post?
What has narcissism got to do with 'control'??? One can be controlling without being a narcissist. On the other hand, you will find many narcissists who are not controlling in normal sense of the word. They control their target(s) through twisted dirty games lies and stories indirectly through other people, not directly as in case of most paki parents.
Education has got nothing to do with being controlling. How come you have not seen cases where educated parents are over protective and where uneducated parents not only provide too much freedom to their kids in terms of choice of career and other areas of life but also fully support them. I saw all kinds if cases in college life. Everyone does. So how come you are unaware that university degrees do not train you on how to bring up kids.
Why you so sure that narcissistic, controlling or otherwise bad parents do not exist in non-paki communities. Plenty of cases of extremely controlling and bad parents in non paki/ non muslim societies that will make you want be grateful for your paki parents caring and protective attitude.
Is this some kind of survey for your dissertation? Why would you want to know when/how others got independent to manage their own lives' affairs? Or do you want to compare other people's lives with yours?
Narcissists are controlling and see their child as an extra limb attached to their bodies. They very much exist in some paki families except we agree to fulfill their every wish for cultural and religious reasons and wouldn't dare to label them negatively.
I agree. My reasoning was that educated parents would be a bit more liberal and open minded with raising their child in a western society. That isn't the case for every parent as u pointed out.
I never said that they don't exist in non-muslim families. I posted to this forum to get a Paki view.
I just want to know if there are people with similar issues and their experiences.
Re: Narcissistic parents
My parents aren't educated and therefore havent gotten the idea that children become "adults" at 18 and can make their own well-thought out decisions. They also hold on to the Pakistani value that children should always be subservient to them. I know alot of other Pakistanis have these type of parents. How do you deal with such parents?
It's typical of teenagers to think of themselves as adults, to want to assert themselves....but 18 is still young. I remember being that age and having notions that I vehemently expressed in opposition to my parents...which I realized (at a later point) only reflected my naivete, foolishness, arrogance. Parents are not always wrong and teenagers do tend to lack the foresight that adults have....that ability to think of long-term consequences both good and bad. Be kind and patient to parents; we tend not to realize our transgressions towards them until much later.
Being an "adult' is about more than just expressing your oppositional views to your parents. It is about more than just moving out and living on your own. Your parents will start seeing you as an "adult" when you earn their trust. You can earn that by simple things....such as bot having to be nagged to do certain chores/tasks around the house....and doing them on your own....without having to be reminded even once. Do those chores/tasks....before your parents even ask you. Be considerate. If mom and dad are tired....take care of things for them and give them a break. Take "initiative" in those things that most teenagers think of as "mundane" and "trivial" and which parents sadly have to remind/nag them about so many times. This little steps will make you come across as mature and win you their trust and hopefully help the parents "let go" a bit. The hardest part (even I'll admit) is to express your opposing views to parents without raising your voice at them....to show them that you have the ability to communicate maturely and like an adult. Ask them "how their day was"..."how they're feeling"....these are things that many kids don't do and it's part of strengthening bonds and trust...and it helps your image too.
You might think, "Gosh lady...You don't even know me...how can you assume I don't already do all those things?" I'm not assuming; I'm speaking generally. There are two sides to a story. The teenager's side....and the parent's side. You haven't provided us with many details about your predicament and it's still only your side. If we were to ask the parents to share their side of the story, they might reveal all those things that their beloved teenager fails to do that makes them view him/her as still a bacha......and sadly....teenagers tend to be blind to their own flaws/mistakes/shortcomings. Sure there are exceptions among teenagers.....but generally that age range can come with a bull-headedness that can rival that of a toddler's. It's easy to point finger at parents....and I have done my faur share of that. But looking back at my teen years.....I do realize there were many things I could have done differently to improve my parents' opinion of me....there are many things I wish I could go back and undo and un-say.
More than one perspective here, OP. It cam help to try and see things from the your parents' point of view too. They can be difficult, I admit, but they are the closest you will come to finding unconditional love. You can be 30 years old and you will still be their "bacha"...you could be shunned by the world...but they will usually be there for you. There tends to be more "good" in our parents than bad. More good than bad....remember that. Cherish them, look at them with kindness, speak to them with kindness, earn their duas. They're irreplaceable. Be the coolness of their eyes.
Re: Narcissistic parents
Shareefbachay,
The youth of today does not even fulfill the basic obligations Allah has set upon them. Namaz bachay parhte nahi......look at the language of the youth of today; every other word in every other sentence includes the "eff-word" as though they have a limited vocabulary....they don't do "khidmat" of their parents, don't help around the house.......they have stronger/tighter "bond" with their friends than they do with their parents....they can talk to their best friend for hours and hours on the phone....but a 5-minute conversation with mom or dad is a pain in the butt. The teenage years are infamous for being narcissistic as well, OP.
I have seen teens in Pakistan.....that don't have their own car....nor are they studying in a college away from home.....but yet they have more maturity and act more like young adults.
If you want to be treated as an adult, then start reflecting over any shortcomings you might have on your end in your interactions with your parents. You want them to view you as a mature and capable person....then show them the maturity and responsibility...think about what it is they want to see in you
And also....reflect over your parents views. It's possible that their views make more sense.....or carry more benefit for you in the long term. When we're upset, it's hard to see where the other person is coming from. I once had an argument with my dad where I insisted upon an option and he had something else in mind for me.......and it turned out that what he had in mind for me was much better and more convenient in both the short-term and long-term...but I realized that later. So, don't be quick to dismiss your parents in the name of independence.
Re: Narcissistic parents
- Narcissists are controlling and see their child as an extra limb attached to their bodies. They very much exist in some paki families except we agree to fulfill their every wish for cultural and religious reasons and wouldn't dare to label them negatively.
Narcissists are extremely deceitfully destructive people who destroy their targets knowing well that their lies, rumors, fabricated stories and other bad actions will destroy social lives and careers of their targets.
On the other hand, I have seen many controlling parents whose controlling attitudes casued blockage in their childrens' social lives and careers but it was because they did not know better. Despite being educated and having successful careers themselves, they did not know how to raise kids. Or they were over protective because they did not want their children to get hurt.
So there is a huge difference between how narcissists intentionally damage their targets and how parents complicate their childrens' lives in their ignorance about raising kids. Such parents are not hurting their kids' on purpose. That is why calling them narcissists is unfair, my dear. Yeah if you know of any parents harming their kids' development and lives on purpose knowing fully well that their actions and way of raising their kids are actually harming their kids' lives careers then in that case, such parents can be labelled 'Narcissists'. Otherwise no.
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2. I agree. My reasoning was that educated parents would be a bit more liberal and open minded with raising their child in a western society. That isn't the case for every parent as u pointed out.
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One has to be super sensitive and intelligent in raising kids. It's a huge responaibility. Colleges/Unis dont provide that training. It is learned through parents or friends or through other people. Or religion. Then every kid is different, has a different personality. Parents must be wise enough to know how to handle each without damaging their personalities. So only with wisdom it is learned. They may have a number of sources around them to learn from but they may not nessarily have the time or wisdom to learn. Despite all that they lack in this, I would never label them narcissists. If the child is wiser and mature enough, he/she can try teaching their parents with the help of other wiser ones in the family. If there's no one then by themselves. Parents can be taught if done so wisely.
Perfect parents are rare. Do not exists everywhere. So Im sure we all have had disagreements with parents over things while growing up but then it depends on how much wiser and mentally mature a child really is. Every child claims to be but are they really?? Just tackling a complicated situation with parents is actually a test to know how much mentally mature a child is. So unless parents purposely hurting their children, a wiser 18yo should be able to tackle most tricky situatons with his/her parents. If he/she cannot, they are not wise enough.
Re: Narcissistic parents
My parents aren't educated and therefore havent gotten the idea that children become "adults" at 18 and can make their own well-thought out decisions. They also hold on to the Pakistani value that children should always be subservient to them. I know alot of other Pakistanis have these type of parents. How do you deal with such parents?
People can make their own decisions when they're no longer dependent on their parents. You can't be living in their house, using their insurance or any other resource and expect to have complete independence.