What to do in a situation when your mother becomes very difficult to talk to, is very indepedant, does not value your wishes, is only concerned about her work, wants everything her way, becomes self-centred, anti-social - anti social to the extent that when you are living away from your own country and have no family around she still chooses to cut off people for no rational reason - 15 years in one country and you barely go to social gatherings (might sound weird but my father lives away from home so in this case situation is tougher), only and only find the negative in everything and you are scared to explain yourself and your emotions to her because she wants everything her way? Her taunts become so extreme to the level that your younger siblings become depressed, wants you to go her way only and if it isn’t her way - your life will be hell.
I am feeling helpess and thats why sharing this with you guys. I love her, my entire family does but I cannot figure out the reason for all this. I am not sure how to communicate with her properly, explain our feelings to her, she is young (but she is always complaning about being old and with everything she will name one of her illness (Allhumdullilah nothing severe) as an excuse, she is educated - but still when it comes to her children’s education such as mine - she never held much interest, my sister - she would be studying for a midterm and that exact moment she will make her wash the dishes or do one of her chores which can most certainly be done later, or with my brother - because we are financially stable she put him through several tutions, etc. but would never sit down with him on her own to discuss his school work
He is still very young and that is why the eldest I am the most worried about him - with her being so anti social and negative and taunting this poor kid as well as my sister and myself the environment in the house has become quite depressing and unhealthy..
I am old enough to post on here and understand the situation. I would not have posted this if I didn't feel so helpless. Excuse me if the post sounded childish but I tried my best to explain the situation using several examples.
A wife needs ger husband. Plain and simple. Looks like she has no passion for life, nor any intrest, everything seems blah and unnecessary.... as the family unit is broken.
Is there no possibility for you guys to live with your dad?
I think she needs to have a heart to heart with your dad.
Have you had her evaluated by a mental health professional? If she's severely depressed, or has a chemical imbalance, it could explain her behavior.
And I agree with what Khawa said above, being apart from your father has to have taken it's toll...sometimes we desis forget that husbands and wives have a relationship that is independent of their children, and that relationship needs to be nurtured as well.
I am old enough to post on here and understand the situation. I would not have posted this if I didn't feel so helpless. Excuse me if the post sounded childish but I tried my best to explain the situation using several examples.
I was trying to get a sense of your maturity level and often age is a good indicator of that. As others have mentioned, your mother sounds depressed and probably feels lonely. I would too if I had three kids to take care and no husband around. Be supportive of her and get her professional help. She wants to keep you guys closer and there is nothing wrong with that. All mothers want to be around their kids.
I think it's ridiculous for your father to live in a different country for over a decade for work. Either he needs to find a job where you guys live OR you guys need to move where he is. As others have said, that absence has clearly taken a toll on your mother. She's married yet living the life of a single mother. Put yourself in her shoes. You're getting married soon. How would you feel if your husband moved to a different country for that long and you had to raise 3 kids (or is it 4) by yourself?
The only thing you can do at this point is to have a open, honest conversation with your father and explain to him how you feel. If your other siblings feel the same way, then ask your siblings to have a honest conversation with your father too. The only person who can really make any difference in this case is your father. You and your siblings can't force your mother to do anything including seeking professional help.
She is on heavy medication due to her severe case of high blood pressure and these also include sleeping pills. My dad is unable to find a good job in the country we live and the one he has is extremely well Allhumdullilah.. it was my mom's decision to not live with him and my parents agreed upon this because they wanted us to have a decent education which all of us are getting here..
there was always the option of us all living together and then going abroad for higher studies like certain families, but my mom did not agree to that.. my dad is equally concerned and he does also wish for my mother to move with him. Yet my mom likes the comfort this country provides her, and they are waiting for my younger brother to start university (which is another 4 years) so than there can be a possibility of them living together as they will be free from all responsibilities at that point ..
I was just seeking help here because its getting worse day by day.. there will be some days that will be so good because she is a very jolly person by nature but most have turned into what I have described..
But have you had her evaluated by a mental health professional? Something is causing her erratic behavior, and it needs to be addressed and corrected. Even if it was your mothers idea to live apart for the sake of all of the children’s’ education, it doesn’t mean she’s automatically happy or content with it. Please, please, please…have her evaluated to rule out a chemical imbalance or manic depression. Maybe her bp meds and sleeping pills need to be adjusted as well. I can understand your frustration as well, but try to switch tracks and be a little empathic towards her as well. If she truly is unwell, and there is an underlying reason for her mood swings, then she needs help!
And if turns out that she doesn’t have a depression or bipolar disorder and is just being difficult, then I suggest maybe you talk a counselor yourself just to learn some coping mechanisms, and to hide your time until you get married and start your own life.
Good Luck! I hope thing settle down for your family.
