My mom keeps putting me in awkward positions....

Lifestyle Relationships
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21

Re: My mom keeps putting me in awkward positions....

I second this. I think I remember you mentioning you're in a European country. There are tons of resources for single parents in countries like that, you just have to do your research. Even the university should have a day care center present on the campus, which is probably subsidized for students. Even if that's not possible, connect at the MSA at your university, and find out if you can exchange baby sitting services with another parent at the MSA, ie someone looks after your daughter while looking after her own child, and you in turn do that same for her. You could even find subsidized housing for yourself, provided by the government. Almost every developed country in the world has some sort of such arrangement. You just have to do your research. When you do find your own place, you don't have to furnish it to a T, basic necessaties are all that are required. A mattress for you, a crib for your daughter is what is required foremost. Add furniture as time goes by. And even then, look for second hand furniture, which someone is getting rid of all the time. It doesn't have to be something direct new from IKEA.

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I just don't understand why she has to be so mean
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Don't try to figure out why your mother does what she does. It will just end up making you crazy, and you will find excuses to justify her behavior, which will in turn just reinforce her. Deal with your own self, your feelings, and your daughter's well being.

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Re: My mom keeps putting me in awkward positions....

I would advice getting married again.

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Re: My mom keeps putting me in awkward positions....

Do you live in the US?

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Re: My mom keeps putting me in awkward positions....

You should look into studieboliger or ungdomsboliger instead of looking at andel eller ejebolig. That will be much easier to handle for you economically while you're a student and single mother. Don't move out before you've a full time work or part time work that pays well enough. Don't sell your gold yet.

I've a few questions:
- How many semesters do you have left? Are you studying in Cph or outside?
- Do you still get SU? I'm assuming you get a double clip since you're a single parent? How much do you have left? Have you considered taking SU lån - it's the cheapest out there if you need a loan and that could help with the move when you are ready.
- I believe your daughter is still pretty young and you weren't eligible for maternity leave? Have you signed her up for vuggestue? When is she eligible for a place?
- Are you officially divorced, I mean is the paper done here? Is your ex paying child support? If you need legal advice look into Københavns Retshjælp, it's free. They can guide you, if you're not comfortable with showing up there, feel free to PM me, I've relatives who previously worked with family law.
- Book an appointment with the kommune - they can help you a lot. With the apartment hunt, job situation, but you've to seek out for help yourself. Look up on the internet what you're entitled to because they probably won't tell you right away.

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Re: My mom keeps putting me in awkward positions....

I don't want to rent, because I will never see that money again. At least with ejer- or an andelsbolig, I will be an investment. And I can't believe I'm saying this, but after giving it much thought I think I'll stay with my parents until I am financially stable enough to buy at least an andelsbolig.

  • How many semesters do you have left? 3.

  • Are you studying in Cph or outside? Outside.

  • Do you still get SU? I'm assuming you get a double clip since you're a single parent? How much do you have left? Have you considered taking SU lån - it's the cheapest out there if you need a loan and that could help with the move when you are ready.

I'm not getting any SU right now, I'm still on maternity leave.

  • I believe your daughter is still pretty young and you weren't eligible for maternity leave? Have you signed her up for vuggestue? When is she eligible for a place?

I have signed her up, but no luck so fare.

  • Are you officially divorced, I mean is the paper done here? Is your ex paying child support? If you need legal advice look into Københavns Retshjælp, it's free. They can guide you, if you're not comfortable with showing up there, feel free to PM me, I've relatives who previously worked with family law.

No and No.
I filled for divorce back i march, and when I was at statsforvaltningen at the end of june for a vilkårsforhandling, they told me that the embassy in his country would contact him within 2 month, it's been 5 months now and only last week did they send the papers from the vilkårsforhandling to get translated into his language.
Statsforvaltningen had decided that he has to pay child support, but he hasn't and Udbetaling Denmark are trying to get a hold of him. Because they have to make sure that he hasn't paid me anything, before they start paying me the child support he owes me.

Oh, Thank you, I wasn't aware of that! I'll look into it!

  • Book an appointment with the kommune - they can help you a lot. With the apartment hunt, job situation, but you've to seek out for help yourself. Look up on the internet what you're entitled to because they probably won't tell you right away.

I've been to my kommune SO many times, they keep saying that unless my divorce is finalised, they can't help me because "der er gensidig forsørgerpligt" so I should just ask my husband for money if, thats what I need. :|

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Re: My mom keeps putting me in awkward positions....

Yes @ ConfusedMe. You have made the right decision. You need to be on your feet financially, before you make any decisions. Rent or mortgage is one of the biggest chunks of your income. And @ Aaze is right. Don't sell your gold just yet. You may need it for bigger things down the road.

Life is tough. You will meet ( God forbid ) meaner people, awful bosses with whom You may spend 8 hours a day, toughing it out because the job is well paying. Perhaps a mean landlord who can't tolerate the noise a baby makes.

Try to stay out of your mom's hair and don't share stuff with her. Have a heart to heart with her. She thinks you are still a child who makes messes and she can share horror parenting stories with her friends with the child around. Well, you are an adult now. And the biggest, just don't care what she says, you have bigger fish to fry.

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Re: My mom keeps putting me in awkward positions....

I really have to disagree with this thought of yours. Right now, the most utmost thing that should be on your plate is not investment, but the well being of your daughter, who is unfortunately right now in the middle of all the drama that is in your life. You have your entire life left to make an investment. What if a few months down the road you find a job in a different part of the city which will increase the commute for you? Or you decided to send your daughter a school that is not close to wherever you buy? Or you find a job in a different city, or even a different part of the world? Can you afford to either find time or someone to sell your house? Or if you decide to rent, can you afford to trust someone in your family to make sure they get the rent from the renters and make sure they don't mess up your apartment? What if the area you can afford to buy an apartment in depreciates? There a lot of things to consider before investing in property right now, at the stage in life where you are right now. Sometimes renting is a better option than buying. For sure invest in property when you're stable in your life, have completed your education, have a stable, long term job. Not when in your own words you don't have money to your name.

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And I can't believe I'm saying this, but after giving it much thought I think I'll stay with my parents until I am financially stable enough to buy at least an andelsbolig
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That perhaps might be a better decision for you until you get some kind of income coming in. But I will again urge you to seriously look into renting for now, and not pin all your hopes into buying a place of your own.

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Re: My mom keeps putting me in awkward positions....

I think if you are choosing to live with your parents then you need to toughen up a little. Her house, her rules. You are an independent woman who is also a mother...your mother's responsibility towards you is done. She doesn't have to keep you.

And please stop being idealistic...yes you will have to rent before you buy...the world does it...you can too.

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Re: My mom keeps putting me in awkward positions....

Okay, there are a lot of lose parts right now in your life so perhaps staying with your parents right now is best. I understand that you want to get an andel- or ejebolig but you've to be realistic as well about when you can get that and where you want it because honestly, the situation you're describing right now isn't ideal for buying and I've my doubts whether you would actually even get approved to buy. I'm not saying this to discourage you, because I know, eventually we all want to buy our own but I know plenty of people with really good full time jobs who are having a difficult time getting approved with a reasonably good bank loan, I'm sure you know how it works.

I think you need to come up with a plan about what you want and in which time frame you can get it. IMO right now your first priority should be to get the divorce through as fast as possible so that you case can move forward, find a job and finish your education. Take the SU lån, I think it will be a good idea. You can save up those extra money for later on. And toughen up because you're depended on your parents right now, you are in your mothers house and you need their support and you'll need their support later on as well when you move out because you and I both know how things work here - A good family support (dad and siblings) is not something you want to lose.

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Re: My mom keeps putting me in awkward positions....

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My mom keeps putting me in awkward positions....

^^ if you have no intentions of keeping a relationship with your mother i would just move out. In the ideal world yes it would be great to buy sort your finances get yourself together and become jndependent and move. It doesnt seem like youre going to gain anything. If youre paying her bills just pay your own!

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Re: My mom keeps putting me in awkward positions....

It's not that simple. She is in no position to move out right away, it's going to take some time, before she gets there. She has no job, has still 1.5 years of her studies left and an infant. Even a rent apartment isn't easy to find or cheap here. She needs her divorce to go through before she can do anything about her living situation.

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I am aware jts not as simple as that OP deleted her post i was referring to where she stated she wont keep a relationship with her mother or let her see her childs face.. If things are that bad focusing on buying a property isnt jdeal right now and grab whatever help she can get and leave.

It's not that simple. She is in no position to move out right away, it's going to take some time, before she gets there. She has no job, has still 1.5 years of her studies left and an infant. Even a rent apartment isn't easy to find or cheap here. She needs her divorce to go through before she can do anything about her living situation.
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Re: My mom keeps putting me in awkward positions....

its good you are being semi realistic about knowing the financial situation, you would be surprised how many don't think about stuff like that when they are thinking of moving out. However I do want to bring up a few things. By what you've said, I can see how stressful it is ( I have friends who are sisters whos mom acts the same way as you've described your mom). But, you need to be a little more level headed when you are planning your move out. daycare will be an issue since you will be at school/work. so make sure you do not burn bridges with your mom, because if you end up needing her to take care of your daughter because daycare or other means are too much, that door will not open to you, and you will be the one suffering. I know you want to move out asap, but sometimes you have to make sacrifices, maybe consider staying at home, saving up money and just tolerating the home situation as a sacrifice for a better future once you do move out. nothing comes easy in life, be patient, and if it does come easy, you won't appreciate it one bit. another sacrifice, don't jump into buying a place and possibly making an irrational decision. I don't know you personally, but I'm pretty sure it's not beneath you to rent a place for a while instead of going around hoping to get a loan and risk ruining your credit or not being happy in the long run because you made a rash decision

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Re: My mom keeps putting me in awkward positions....

Is she ur real mother?