How are you doing? Its been a long time since I was last here. I can’t seem to find the gupshup app anymore in IOS. Has it gone?
Anyhow, last you remembered me lamenting about my in laws and then having to go to Pakistan.
To Summarise, I did eventually go to Pakistan after my FIL went back. I stayed there for whole two months exactly in the summer and my husband joined me a month later after my stay. My experience has not been pleasant at all. I was so depressed during my stay that all my relatives were saying how weak I have gone. It was totally not what I expected during my stay and I think it disturbed my mentality. Now when I think of going to pak again, I get scared inside, of having to go through it again.
I was literally locked inside the home. I hardly went anywhere. My Maika who is just opposite next door, they didn’t even let me go there. In my maika home, my phopho is living. My Grand mother has died when I was in UK and this was my first time in pk since her death. Not once did my in laws said to go to my home. It was two weeks later, I took courage to go there and I was over whelmed and glad comfortable as I entered my own home. Even then my in laws had problems with me going and kept saying me to come back within two hours etc. this is just next. Ofcourse my all relatives came to visit me and see my baby, all my relatives! My phophos used to call me to pop in their house and I wanted to badly but I couldn’t go! EVen its my home next door. I had no one to talk to properly with my in-laws just my MIL but I’m not that open with her. Even my SIL was here but its not the same.
Before going to PK, I desperately asked my hubby to arrange wifi for me there but he said it will be done. I did not have no internet connection with me for whole two weeks. I had to arrange for internet enabled sim myself through my cousins. Even then when my hubby skyped with me in my in laws tablet, they would not let us leave alone nor give privacy! never they did. Skype quality is good using wifi not 3g in pak.
My MIL bought me in total 5 - 7 outfits as I did not have clothes suitable for PK summer i.e lawn type clothes. I didn’t do shopping. she bought it herself.
I had to listen to criticism of my cooking. Yes I learned cooking as MIL style but mine wasn’t far from it. Mujhe cooking nahi ati because I don’t use blender to blend curry as shortcut.
I am still learning roti but I have gone a lot better. yes I can cook but still its not round
During my stay alone, only few people came from my husband to see my baby, not the way there were describing on phone “itne log maha se milna chahte hain etc”.. to be honest, it was only his phopos, no mamos and no khalas during my stay.
While I was assigned to my room and my given furniture by my parent. I was 100% sure that last time I left I have locked my one wardrobe with all my clothes in it and the key was with me. Now I was shocked to see the lock was broken. I asked my MIL about it she said it was already like that but it wasn’t. I had locked it. Anyway i didn’t let the matter rise. Its a two door wardroble where I locked one door. Now the other door wardroble was full of my MIL fancy clothes. She didn’t move it for me. I let it go again. Not only that my one bed side drawer was full of her clothes. AGAIN nothing. So a day before my husband was to come, I asked my MIL just indirectly to where should I put my hubby clothes.. she said we have so much space in our home, he can put his clothes inside his dad wardrobe.. I said i want to put it here so it makes it easy for me to get clothes and do pressing but she didn’t budge. Anyway I started to clean my wardrobe and out my unneccessary fancy clothes in suitcase for storage.. I had all clothes out in the bed including hers and I asked her for storage room key. she came and saw her clothes in bed and had a audicity to have a go with me, shouting at me why and how dare i take her clothes out without her permission and throw away in storage. when I clearly was telling her it was to clean and organise my clothes.. she wouldn’t listen… she said it’s badtamezi and all! Just because my parents gave me the furniture doesn’t mean it’s mine. when it’s in the house, you share. I gave you this room and I am the queen of this house and all that! To say, I was shocked is nothing! who does that? normally when parents gift their daughter something it for them. And my parents also agree with me. It was mine and I wanted privacy! ****ing privacy!
I did not even had privacy at night, she would come and sleep with me when I told her I was fine on my own.
Now on the day my husband came, I don’t know what happened at night as I was in my room trying to make my baby sleep, My own hubby asked me why did I do badteemzi with her and I explained him it was not like that. My hubby asked me to stay a longer with his parents atleast for two further more months as I had lot to learn. I was so shocked. I didn;t say anything. All the while i had my return tickets booked with my husband.
It is a month of ramadan.. Can I say, only I fasted all roza, no one participated with me. My SIL came to stay with us for month as my husband was here too. Even she only fasted two or thee roza. I was shocked again.. I had to do my own sehri and iftari.. It was hot weather. I had to watch everyone eat lunch, break fast. No one does extra special iftari for me. fine I didn’t care but inside i was flummoxed. thats not how it goes in our house and relatives. we all fast and pray and read quran. I was shocked to see my FIL asking my SIL not to do fast as the baby keeps her busy. her baby was around 3/4 months. And she does not beast feed.
It was funny seeing my SIL to leave out roza while her husband was doing UMRAAH
Again whole ramadan went with no visiters. My relatives keep inviting us for iftari and we only get to go to my one phopho house. who for whole duration of my stay kept begging me to spend a day with her and I wanted to! but ofcourse my in laws wont let me.
Now the eid was around the corner, no was asking me or the baby regarding the shopping
Luckily my mother and , my relatives had given me outfits that i can wear for eid. So My husband and FIL had his shopping done. so out of random my husb goes what are you wearing, I said shukar hai kisse ne poch liya hai.. It was my first eid with my inlaws in pk. he said kyun kya howa? I said no one is bothered about me or baby reg Eid.. we haven’t done any shopping or anything but then I said don’t worry my parents are here and still alive and has got the outfit ready for me. But what my hubby does just leaves the room and next i see him bringing his mum in the room. I mean omg!i didn’t make any issue infront of her and I just left for bath. And I came out and see my husband doing accounts with my MIL with 7 outfits they had bought for me earlier on which i mostly wore every single day as my clothes were not suitable for the weather.. he said they bought these outfits and are worth this much. And I said its eid and we should get something new.. he said you should have left one outfit for eid. I said I wasn’t aware that this was my eid outfit too and nor did they told me. khair I said leave it, just do shopping for my baby. which we did.
To say the stay with my husband in pak was better then my own as i get to go out at night not staying locked up which is again going out with family not “alone”! but i was made insecure, every single day he kept pressuring me to stay there for couple more months and come back later. he wasn’t like that during out phone calls.
Till the last minute, it was undecided whether i was going to not. I did my packing just in case and I was mentally unstable.
My husband kept coming and checking n saying to pack light and all that. Take only few clothes as u will be back by two months.. And finally i couldn’t take it anymore. I lashed out at him.. why? why? why should i stay alone? what are you planning to do there? Guess what during my stay in pak on my own I recirved a msg from random gal in fb, where she kept saying my husb was behaving inappropriate and was shocked that he was married. And I wasn’t suprised and I have seen him doing it to me bfor.. During my stay in pk, I was mentally unstable and what he was doing in uk.. Now he’s all to encouraged to leave me alone here. I told him I knew! i knew what he did! he didn’t once apologize!! i told him, i m not staying here on my own over my dead body. and if he leaves me alone, I will run away to my home! I couldn’t take it! he after sometimes say to me, kyun mere saath badtameezi ki? I AM LIKE WHAT??? WHAT? WHAT ABOUT WHAT YOU AND YOUR FAMILY DID TO ME! Anyway, I knew I had to keep quiet and not to make a issue of it.
I didn’t take a breath until the plane was in sky! that’s how unsecure I was.
And now I am here, my in laws kept asking me when are you sending her back? he goes december when it’s too cold there!
Dont go back. Miserable people they are. Also dnt think you are helpless in this. It is ultimately your decision. Next time go and come back with your husband.
DO NOT GO. There's no guarantee you'll be back so just don't go.
Stay here and get on with your own life...your husband sounds like an ass so don't count on him or think he's going to help you or be there for your baby.
Normally I'd suggest for Girls to somehow manage a month or two long trip because its not big in scheme of things but only if hubby is SUPPORTIVE (even if in private) but in your case seems like your hubby does not only have no clue but also want to have some "lone" time away from you in UK. I'd say don't go.
Tell you hubby what you went through mentally (in decent manner, I am not asking you to fight). You can tell him to put the visit off indefinately or for at laest a year so you can recover. You will have enough time then to fix things.
I am all for not going but I m scared of the big fight! I know he won't take it easily! I m scared of what it will lead to! Believe me I m trying jobs, and if not I m planning to start business. Anyways, people these don't go alone n stay with in laws. Some people were shocked as I went alone and didn't even stay with my maika!
I am all for not going but I m scared of the big fight! I know he won't take it easily! I m scared of what it will lead to! Believe me I m trying jobs, and if not I m planning to start business. Anyways, people these don't go alone n stay with in laws. Some people were shocked as I went alone and didn't even stay with my maika!
Thats why I said instead of "I am not going" try to put of for a year or so.
I am all for not going but I m scared of the big fight! I know he won't take it easily! I m scared of what it will lead to! Believe me I m trying jobs, and if not I m planning to start business. Anyways, people these don't go alone n stay with in laws. Some people were shocked as I went alone and didn't even stay with my maika!
What will he do if you say you won't go? Ask him if he would go without you and stay by himself at your parents' place for months. If not, why is he asking you to do something he won't do himself. Maybe he will see it. Tell him if he wants you to have a good relationship with his parents then he needs to let you decide when and where to meet them.
Yaaay!!!! So, now you've escaped your horrid in-laws...only to live with a husband of questionable fidelity. What contributes to this phenomenon? Weak iman or what ?
I don't know what to tell you, OP. I hope things get better soon. If discussing your in-laws is driving a wedge between u and your husband then consider avoiding the topic or changing your approach. Also, there were some things that you made a big deal out of and increased your own tension. For example, it doesn't matter if your in-laws don't fast or pray during Ramzan. Even if they have no valid excuse, it's between them and Allah and has no bearing on your ibadat. It is us who have made Ramzan all about samosay and pakoray and chaats. If you look at the sunnat, roza was broken with simply dates and water....a concept incomprehensible to many of us. We don't require "special foods" during iftar, it's not a farz. So, it's no big deal if you had to prepare your own iftari, the salan of the day would have sufficed. There are many who spend Eid without a new jora for themselves or their child. It wouldn't have been the last or only Eid. You coukd have let this go. I also don't think it was necessary to keep track of how many rishtedaar from your husband's side came to visit your daughter. Overall, you are not too crazy about his family, so it doesn't matter if your husband's khalas never came to meet your baby. It would be nice if they visited, but it was not a pressing concern and perhaps there is some behtri in their not coming. I do feel that your in-laws were at fault to an extent... ...but there were some matters that you allowed yourself to get so worked up over when in the grand scheme of things they were non-issues.
Oh my god, he sounds like an ass!!!!! And (except for hte fasting part) they sound like kanjoos kameenay people.
dont' go, I know the fight will be scary but just remember how horrible it was. It doesn't even sound like he knows you had a hard time so he'd be unlikely to "promise" anything.
Children often do things out of fear. Children are scared of being yelled at, time-outs, being spanked, having their favorite things taken away etc. So if you want to go back to Pakistan and have your in-laws treat you like a child, then keep being scared.
However, if you want to treated like an adult, then stop being scared of a fight with your husband! You’re right that he will not take it easy that you’re standing up for yourself and not doing what HE wants like a spineless jellyfish. He will be furious and will yell and even make various threats. So what? Let him. You’re in the UK…not in a 3rd world country where you don’t have freedom or resources available to you if you need help. I believe you have a child too so this isn’t only about you.
Don't go back to Pakistan, become more independent, socialise more, start taking baby steps, you can do it, don't rely too much on your husband, does not seem very trusting or reliable.
OP, I don't think it's reasonable to send your wife to Pakistan again only 2 months after she just came back from there. It makes no sense. Your husband's thought process and the girl on FB who contacted you about him all sounds shady. Stand up to your husband in your decision to not go to Pakistan again when you've recently come back from there. But to be fair.......yes fair.....I feel you need to think about some of the matters that you choose to dwell on and raise your blood pressure over....as they are really non-issues. I've read your former threads and I'll agree that your in-laws are difficult people, but this isn't the first time that you've made a big deal out of nonsensical things. When arguing with your husband, stick to the most pressing or urgent issues....avoid complaining to him about trivial matters such as clothes and gifts and the level of ibadat....as that detracts attention from the more important issues in the marriage which atm seem to be his fidelity and pressuring you to go back to Pakistan. Him wanting you to go back also suggests that he doesn't seem to want your company for too long; he wants time away from you so figure out why that is and what's going on within the marriage that's possibly causing this.
Tell him you are not going period. Do not be scared of a fight with him on this topic. If there is some infidelity on his part he will do it anyway if you go or don't go. He wants to keep his parents happy at the cost of his wife's health and sanity it is not a sign of healthy relationship.
Are you a uk/us national? You cannot be forced onto that plane! Regardless. Just try and keep your cool if he asks you to go just firmly say no. And leave it at that try and be abir more independent, where are your family? Could they support you abit?
How come you are so sure that your husband was talking to some other lady? Some random stranger messaged you on fb & told you all this. What if that is someone's shararat to ruin your relationship? Whom you will trust more your husband or that complete stranger who you don't even know?
How come you are so sure that your husband was talking to some other lady? Some random stranger messaged you on fb & told you all this. What if that is someone's shararat to ruin your relationship? Whom you will trust more your husband or that complete stranger who you don't even know?
Because he's done this before
A man wont' be pressuring his wife to go back to Pak for months at a time when she's already spent several months there unless it was specified for some reason. That's not the case here.
He didn't apologize when confronted nor does OP say he denied it.
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Guess what during my stay in pak on my own I recirved a msg from random gal in fb, where she kept saying my husb was behaving inappropriate and was shocked that he was married. And I wasn't suprised and I have seen him doing it to me bfor.. During my stay in pk, I was mentally unstable and what he was doing in uk.. Now he's all to encouraged to leave me alone here. I told him I knew! i knew what he did! he didn't once apologize!! i told him, i m not staying here on my own over my dead body. and if he leaves me alone, I will run away to my home!
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