My friend's problem :(

BusyBee · February 13, 2012, 8:49pm

Re: My friend’s problem

@BusyBee your friend has two choices. Here they are.

Shut up, and prepare for a life of absolute misery when the in-laws move in. By the way, if you think her kid will be unaffected, think again. If a child grows up seeing his mother treated like metaphorical slave, think of the effects on the child’s psych.

Take some sort of drastic action that has a possibility of working but being prepared if it doesn’t.

Look ultimately let’s pretend they get a divorce. Your friend will be absolutely miserable for what? Six months? A year? A few years at most? Then she will get over it, maybe meet someone else (and she will if tries to in the US), and view the whole experience as nothing more then a bad memory. A few years of misery -worst case scenario- is still nothing compared to a lifetime. As of right now, your friend is unwilling to divorce because she is absolutely in love with her husband. Well let me tell you. For any couple, the first few years are really the best, both people are absolutely in love with each other, hormones are in overdrive, ect… Then things calm down, after that both people have to constantly work on the relationship to remain in love.

Your friend’s husband is, I’m sorry to say, an absolute… Guy is a wimp. Do you think her great love for her husband will remain, when the in-laws move in and she becomes the household slave? Do you think when the husband will be relaxing at home, eating meals, while she endures mental or even physical torture, her great love will remain? Think about how you would feel about the guy a few years down the line from now if he was your own husband.

Your friend is an absolute doormat. Everyone is stepping on her. Put yourself in the mind of her husband. Subconsciously he is thinking “yeah my wife is suffering, yeah my parents are making her life a living hell, yeah I’ve destroyed her career, but she still loves me and is still going to love me no matter what. So even if I feel really bad, why should I take that risky step and confront my parents? I’m too scared to do it and for me its fine even if I don’t” The guy told your friend, she can divorce him because he **knew **that she would do no such thing.

Now, regardless of the sort of wimp he is, your friend really does love her husband and the husband really loves your friend. After all he went against his family in getting married. Your friend needs to pack her bags and go to her parents NOW. She shouldn’t even tell her husband she is leaving, just pack her bags, write a note detailing why she left, and go. Have the baby at her parent’s. Then the ball goes to her husband. He has a choice. Continue being an utter wimp, abandon his wife, or choose his wife and become a man. If he becomes a man, he will have to stand up to his parents, get them to back off, maybe refuse to even see them and let them move in. Only then should your friend move back to live with her husband.

If the husband takes these steps, the family will come around to treating her normally. 99% of parents do. The only reason they treat her like this now is because the son doesn’t do anything to stop them.

The husband has some strength buried somewhere, as shown by his getting married against the parent’s wishes and he does love his wife. Now he will be forced to show how much he loves her if he wants to keep her.

I’ve already explained the alternative if your friend does nothing.

Moving out will force the guy to act. Now your friend does not sound like she can go through with this alone. That is where you come in. Go to her, talk some sense into her, strengthen her up, and help her leave. A friend who is physically there can do a lot.

Very well explained, thanks! Most important thing for her right now is her kid. She also fears that she won’t be able to be a good mom because of all anxiety and depression. But then again, she thinks hubby might change when there’s a kid involved. Actually, the thing is husband has tried to talk back to parents but is always told to shut up giving some emotional/quranic references. So it’s not like he never tried.

They’ve been together for 8 years, so in the beginning 4 years before marriage, she knew that they won’t accept her, but husband always said they’ll change. SIL used to write her threatening emails to stop dating her brother and what not. So, she’s been in mental anguish since 8 yrs. However, she’s also been in love with him all this time and says she can’t imagine being with anyone else. I don’t know if her self esteem has died in all these years or what but she can’t just see past love! She did try to leave one time to her mom’s but came back herself within 10 days coz she couldn’t live without him! Insane! Hubby is the same, can’t live without her, won’t let her go, but at times when she’s crying up all night, he just tells her sorry for making your life miserable, just leave me and have a happy life with someone else, he means it. He says he’s tired of trying to talk to his family when they won’t straighten or change. He also says that she should just “ignore” them and be happy with him because that’s all that matters…I really don’t know how to tell her to IGNORE all this?!

She regrets her decision as she knew from before it won’t work with his family, but she also can’t imagine living without him. She has sacrificed her career and many things bcoz of him (even after being from an extremely educated family herself and being born/raised in the U.S) but the ONLY thing she still wants is for them to be nice to her, even if she has to live with them. That’s the only thing she wants but…this world is such a cruel place!