My friend keeps complaining that her fiance keeps ignoring her for weeks, doesnt mail, no chat although he is over with his exams and stuff. They are getting married this year.
Now she is abroad for 2 months or so and she is really worried. She keeps on saying abhi yeh haal hai toh baad mein kya hoga. The guy says he loves her and stuff but doesnt seem commited at the moment.
Her parents dont want her 2 break up besides hes her cousin and it was love from the guys side.
When she was in pak the guy kept telling her not 2 go and stuff but after she left there was hardly any contact except sms and she used 2 call (due 2 exams) but since a 4 or 5 days everything was dead.
hay just tell her to wait... There can be some important reason behind it as you said it was the guyz choice so... no doubt that he can be pissed off from her or something.. tell her Sabir ka pal mita hota hay:)
hmmm yaar, like every human relationship, even the one between friends, everyone is different and some people just don't like to be bound like that to the other person, they like to feel free. This goes for guys and girls both. However, since they're both engaged, if they're both committed to this relationship, she should try to get a feel for the level of contact he's comfortable with and give him space accordingly, and if he's considerate he should also get a feel for the level of communication she likes and then both of them should strike a mutual and healthy balance and establish some sort of common ground. With time, they'll both get used to it and hopefully things will smoothen up. Its important that they communicate honestly with each other about this though, without getting into a fight.
Perhaps 5 days seem too much to her but are not a big deal for him? She should not make any assumptions in her mind about why he isn't talking to her.
Plus, she should not be emotionally dependent on him. That's not healthy for the relationship. Granted, she will miss him when he's not there, but she should have a life, hobbies and interests of her own so she keeps happy doing those.
That said, I think its really important that they spend time together before getting married and get to know each other, not only because this is encouraged in Islam but also because they would then be saved from some potentially ugly surprises. They should atleast know about each other's basic nature and manners. Even if they are cousins, it is possible that they've not interacted much.
My parents never spoke or saw each other during their 9 months of engagement, and my mother still complains to this day that my father never came to see her, called her or tried to get in touch. My father says he was busying trying to gently let down all his girlfriends and he knew ke aakhir zindagi to meri ammi ke saath guzaarni thi so why bother anyway. We always laugh when my dad says this, I guess its how it was done back in the day. Maybe her fiance feels the same. hehe
cat-woman...that's true...i even have first cousins who got married without even seeing the guy's picture...but why should we be confined by this practice when Islam has encouraged that u get to know ur future spouse? it should all be within limits, but imho it is important...
if u want u can get along with anyone, true...but atleast this way, u know u're not getting married to someone whom u just don't feel connected to...u know...?
have u ever noticed that sometimes when u meet certain people, u instantly like them and feel you can get along, instantly click at a certain level...and sometimes with others you know there's a huge gulf and u just dont feel that connection...if u have to u could so samjhota with either one, but wouldn't life be easier and more pleasant if u were getting married to someone from the former category...?
irem I totally agree with you. Everyone has different needs and ideas of what a relationship should be. It's true you can learn to get along and like anyone if you try but it would be ideal to find someone who wants if not the same very simular to what you want.
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*Originally posted by cat-woman: *
My parents never spoke or saw each other during their 9 months of engagement, and my mother still complains to this day that my father never came to see her, called her or tried to get in touch. My father says he was busying trying to gently let down all his girlfriends and he knew ke aakhir zindagi to meri ammi ke saath guzaarni thi so why bother anyway. We always laugh when my dad says this, I guess its how it was done back in the day. Maybe her fiance feels the same. hehe
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lol cat i dont think that would help the poor girl :p
I agree with hiccup, watever it is just talk to him (lol pyar se)
Practically speaking, they should have limited contact with each other before marriage. I am saying this not because of religious reasons, but simply because there are more chances of misunderstandings when the two are carrying on a cyber/telephonic relationship. I have seen it happen twice with my friends where in one case the engagement was broken and in another case the nikah was ended simply because the two were talking a lot and they developed misunderstandings. My friends claim it was only semantics and words were interpreted differently and unfortunately the thing snowballed. Not necessarily that this is going to happen to most people, but this is just one possibility.
Typed words don't always convey what you mean as you can't see the other person, don't see their body language and can interpret words totally wrong. There is no point in risking pre-marital phadday. It will be different when they are face to face and living together. Since they are engaged to be married, so they should definitely talk and discuss important issues that they need to know about each other, but do every thing in moderation. Just my $0.02 :-)
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*Originally posted by blushing_vision: *
My friend keeps complaining that her fiance keeps ignoring her for weeks, doesnt mail, no chat although he is over with his exams and stuff. They are getting married this year.
Now she is abroad for 2 months or so and she is really worried. She keeps on saying abhi yeh haal hai toh baad mein kya hoga. The guy says he loves her and stuff but doesnt seem commited at the moment.
Her parents dont want her 2 break up besides hes her cousin and it was love from the guys side.
When she was in pak the guy kept telling her not 2 go and stuff but after she left there was hardly any contact except sms and she used 2 call (due 2 exams) but since a 4 or 5 days everything was dead.
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*Originally posted by Faisal: *
Practically speaking, they should have limited contact with each other before marriage. I am saying this not because of religious reasons, but simply because there are more chances of misunderstandings when the two are carrying on a cyber/telephonic relationship. I have seen it happen twice with my friends where in one case the engagement was broken and in another case the nikah was ended simply because the two were talking a lot and they developed misunderstandings. My friends claim it was only semantics and words were interpreted differently and unfortunately the thing snowballed. Not necessarily that this is going to happen to most people, but this is just one possibility.
Typed words don't always convey what you mean as you can't see the other person, don't see their body language and can interpret words totally wrong. There is no point in risking pre-marital phadday. It will be different when they are face to face and living together. Since they are engaged to be married, so they should definitely talk and discuss important issues that they need to know about each other, but do every thing in moderation. Just my $0.02 :-)
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another reason, usually ppl think they are stuck once they are married n dont think about breaking up that much
Don't talk too much to the person you will marry until you are married cause you're afraid misunderstandings could develop and eventually result in calling the whole thing off??
I'd rather actually know the person really well before even thinking of getting engaged !? and that means definitely talking alot and risking the possibilty of getting into an arguement or fight!? So what!?
I wanna know ahead of time what the person is like when they get upset or angry. I don't want a suprise afterwards and suddenly find out I've married into a family of people who just love to argue and fight all the time over everything!?
Like I've said so many times before everyone's nice when things are going well and there is no conflict. How someone handles stress, their anger or simply not getting their way is important.
Some people actually are reasonable and compromising and will try to resolve any kind of problem when it arises. Others just blow up and become totally unreasonable , hold grudges and will retaliate in the most wicked painfully personal ways if you make them mad.
Misunderstandings, arguments and anger are a part of life too.. I think it's good to know how well the couple ( and I guess both families too lol ) are gonna be able to handle these things when trouble comes too.
Relationships are all about communication and compromise and all that other good stuff.
since the 10th of last month she only spoke 2 him 3 or 3 times, she told me this 2day.... what could be the reason???????? only that shes abrpad and went against his wishes or what
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*Originally posted by Faisal: *
Practically speaking, they should have limited contact with each other before marriage. I am saying this not because of religious reasons, but simply because there are more chances of misunderstandings when the two are carrying on a cyber/telephonic relationship. I have seen it happen twice with my friends where in one case the engagement was broken and in another case the nikah was ended simply because the two were talking a lot and they developed misunderstandings. My friends claim it was only semantics and words were interpreted differently and unfortunately the thing snowballed. Not necessarily that this is going to happen to most people, but this is just one possibility.
Typed words don't always convey what you mean as you can't see the other person, don't see their body language and can interpret words totally wrong. There is no point in risking pre-marital phadday. It will be different when they are face to face and living together. Since they are engaged to be married, so they should definitely talk and discuss important issues that they need to know about each other, but do every thing in moderation. Just my $0.02 :-)
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Don't talk too much to the person you will marry until you are married cause you're afraid misunderstandings could develop and eventually result in calling the whole thing off??
I'd rather actually know the person really well before even thinking of getting engaged !? and that means definitely talking alot and risking the possibilty of getting into an arguement or fight!? So what!?
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Waqas, what Faisal is trying to say is that phone communication and especially Chat/IM communication can lead to misunderstandings. I've seen it happen as well and people breaking off engagements/nikahs because of it. You cannot convey your feelings over chat by using a bunch of emoticons. A person can be telling a joke and someone else could take it seriously. So communication that is not face to face should be minimized because it tends to be quite one dimensional.
I'll have to admit I am the master of misunderstandings via e-mail and chat ! lol :(
I guess that makes sense... but still what if either due to different schedules or great distance it's most convienent to talk via e-mail or chat!? I'd think it's better to talk alot than not at all.
And the possibility of having any misunderstandings and learning to resolve them could only bring the couple closer...?
Wouldn't that be a good thing still worth the risk?
I would think in any kind of relationship the more you talk to someone hopefully the better you get to know each other and communicate more effectively and clearly with one another... and like it or not there's no other way to do that without making mistakes or having disagreements.
If every misunderstanding is only going to grow into a big mess that cannot be fixed then perhaps the two people really are not suited for each other anyways.
Perhaps he is the “out of sight, out of mind” kind a guy…but i think they should talk about it ...
A colleague of mine was communicating with this female and if he would not be online or did not respond back immediately to her sms she would send back sms and if that did not work call him overseas. He thought of it as a sign of love.
Once married it was discovered that the female is extremely suspicious or may be insecure woman. Now this seems to constantly be the bone of contention as she goes out of the way to keep track of his activities. It has led to numerous fights and the marriage is close to a divorce. :(
Now she accepts she has a problem but argues with her husband that “You knew well about it …. You know well how I used to be” [referring to her behavior prior to marriage about him not responding to sms or being online at the appointed time…]
what should i tell her 2 do?