My first urdu poem...............please let me know what u all think

Arts & Culture Poetry ( Intikhaab & Sho'ra-e-Gupshup)
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“Neend”

Moth mujhey aati nahi.
Keh ab raat hogai, lekin mujhey lambi neend aati nahi.
Souraj doob gaya, lekin roshni jaati nahi.
Chaand chup gaya, lekin chaandni jaati nahi.
Pani khushk hogaya, lekin piyas bhoojti nahi.
Rastay khatam hogaye, lekin manzil aati nahi.
Keh ab meh khatam hogaya, lekin teri yaad jaati nahi.
Keh ab moth keh baad bhi, mujhaye neend aati nahi.

pls pls give me your honest opinion about what you think about the poem.
thankyou
take care
salam

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Re: My first urdu poem…please let me know what u all think

Theme is Good, Needs Imporvement with Qaafia Radeef :slight_smile:

Very Good First Try :k:

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Re: My first urdu poem…please let me know what u all think

thanx , seemed like nobody cared really appreciate it
but if u dont mind can u tell me what is “qaafia radeef”???
take care
salam

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Re: My first urdu poem…please let me know what u all think

Very nice.. keep it up :flower1: … :slight_smile:

5

Re: Neend…meri pehli urdu poem

i dun get it…what do u mean by “moth” u meant moth as masterbation?

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Re: Neend…meri pehli urdu poem

man u need to clean the perverted mind
i meant “Moth” as in “Death”

use some common sense it is useful.

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Re: My first urdu poem…please let me know what u all think

Yar agar mujhay Pata hota tou maiN Shair na hota :smiley:

ThoRa buhut… I would say ke… When U Write something.. FIRST.. You should know if its NAZAM or GHAZAL… coz.. Both have Diff rules.. If U want to know that… KOYAL wrote a very good Article on it in GUPZINE.. You can check it out.

Once you know what you are Upto.. then… You will be in better picture to restrict your self to the Rules.

Check this out… I found something :smiley:

**Ghazal **(pronounced as "ghuzzle")
Ghazal is a collection of couplets (shers or ashaar) which follow the rules of 'matla', 'maqta', 'bahar', 'qafiya' and 'radeef'. The couplets are complete in themselves and each may and usually do deal with topics/subjects completely unrelated to each other. All the couplets of a ghazal must be of the same **bahar**, end in the same words **(radeef)** and have the same rhyming pattern **(qaafiyaa)**. Every ghazal MUST have a **matla**. A ghazal may or may not have a **maqta** but if it does, it has to be the last sher of the ghazal.

A few points to be noted:

  1. Some ghazals do not have a radeef. They are called “Gair-muraddaf” ghazals. Even in such cases, qafiya is strictly followed. However, these are very rare.
  2. Some Ghazals have the same radeef. They are called ham-radeef Ghazals. Often a Gazal is identified by its radeef, e.g. “aahistaa aahistaa”.
  3. It is possible that all the ashaar of a Ghazal are on the same theme.
  4. In modern Urdu poetry, the restriction of bahar is somewhat relaxed. But even in those poems, the qafiya and radeef tradition is followed.
  5. The presence of maqta is often not considered necessary. One reason it may have been more prevalent in earlier times could be to establish ownership, and to prevent others from taking credit for the Gazal.
**Nazm **
In a broad sense, nazm is a term used to define all kinds of Urdu poetry which do not fall into any other category. However, in a literary sense, a nazm is a well organized, logically evolving poem where each individual verse serves the need of the central concept or theme of the poem. Though a nazm is traditionally written in rhymed verse, there are many examples of nazms written in unrhymed verse, or even in free verse.
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Re: My first urdu poem...............please let me know what u all think

hey golden scorpion thanx a lot
i will try to keep the rules in mind the next time

take care
salam

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Re: My first urdu poem...............please let me know what u all think

U r Most Welcome :)

Wasalam.

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Re: My first urdu poem...............please let me know what u all think

Keep it up,

If you write it in Urdu then you will be able to follow what GS has pointed out. But if you are using Roman Urdu then it is not easy to follow the rules of Urdu Shaerey.