My fears about arrange marriage.

Lifestyle Relationships
1

hi,

Im 20 years old and im half Swedish and half Pakistani. My dad is from Pakistan, and now he is started talking about arrange marriage. I dont have anything against arrange marriages, i just have few fears about them.

First is that if my marriage is fixed with someone who is living in Pakistan now, that how i know that he really likes me and wants to live with me or does he marry me because he wants to get to western country? I know few arrange marriage which has ended because either husband or wife, who are moved from Pakistan after wedding, have left or changed a lot, like starting drinking and going after Swedish girls or guys, and their only goal was get Swedish citizenship…

Second fear is that if man moves from Pakistan to Sweden, how he will adjust here. Like if he has big house in Pakistan, for that price u probably get only small apartment here, so how he will take that.. and of course work and studying, his degree might not be here as high that there. So does someone has experience ?

Im just wondering also that is there guys who are willing to move other country (in my case to Sweden) after wedding. My biggest fear now is that no one wants to move my country, that man wants to me to move his country and with his parents. Im really close with my family and i cant never imagine move another country. And does anyone even want me like i dont speak Urdu well..i understand like 60-70% but i dont have enough courage to speak. And I dont know how to cook Pakistani food yet, and im not that kind a person who is cleaning and cooking all the time, i except that man will clean and cook too loll : D And i love hanging out with my friends, go to movies and shopping etc., and i cant marry someone without knowing him, like my dad said that if i say yes he will find a guy and we will get like 3 years time to get to know each other like visiting eachothers country and talking in msn etc, so are there pakistani guys who even want to get married with me, what do u think? : D

Im that kind a person, that when im thinking marriage i think that thats commitment for rest of your life and thats why i want to be sure that man isn’t marrying me because of citizenship, and that he will manage to adjust to my country and accepting and love me for what i am. I would like to hear some experience if someone has or any opinions, because this thing is really bothering me now.

Thanks and sorry for the long text :slight_smile:

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Re: My fears about arrange marriage.

r u swedish as in gori? or just a desi who was born in sweden?

if the former, then of course its something alien to you, and its hard for even us who are born abroad to be able to get along with someone from pak. is your dad adamant on arranged? is he adamant on this guy, whats the guy like. do you know anything about him.

thing is, alot of arranged marriages work out perfectly fine, as do many love ones. its not really about weather its arranged or not, more about what the guys like, his fmaily, and your dads reasoning for you to marry this particular guy.

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Re: My fears about arrange marriage.

to be able to check if he wants to marry for citizinship-just say oh i plan to live in pakistan, i dont want to live in sweden....what do you think? ask him, see his reaction.

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Girlieee:

I have some questions -

1) Since your mom is Swedish, what does she think about you having an arranged marriage with someone in Pakistan?

2) Why do you have to marry someone living in Pakistan? You and you dad can't be the only Pakistanis living in Sweden. Although I understand the community might be small, still....why can't you dad look for someone who's already in Sweden? Why not try to find a guy for you who's in the U.S. or another Western country?

3) You're only 20....do YOU want to get engaged anytime soon?

4) Your dad obviously went for you mom who's Swedish....is he open to you marrying someone who's not Pakistani but Muslim....since he himself didn't marry a Pakistani? That opens up your "options"...

As for your fears that that guy may be marrying you for immigration reasons only....unfortunately, there's no way to know for sure. A good friend of mine (Here in the U.S.) had an arranged marriage with her cousin. Once the cousin got here after nikkah, got his GC....he divorced her. And this was her mother's sister's son!!! I know plenty of similar stories.

Same goes for cultural adjustment. No guy can tell you or imagine living in Sweden if he was born/raised in Pakistan. In my humble opinion, it's better for you(or your dad) to find someone in Sweden or in another Western country so there's less "issues" with cultural adjustments and almost zero chances that he's marrying you for Swedish citizenship.

5

Hi again :)

Sorry I don´t know that term "Gori" what that means? : D I have born here, like i wrote my Dad is born in Pakistan and my mom is Swedish. My dad moved here after a job and he met my mom, got married and they got children, So I am half Pakistani, Half Swedish. I look more Pakistani than Swedish. We have visited in Pakistan like min. 1 time in 2 years, so Pakistan is really important for me and i love that country. It`s really important part for my identity and who am I, and im really proud to be half Pakistani :)

I have talked with my mom about this and she said that if I want to get arrange marriage she will support me and be happy for me, and if I don´t want she will support me and talk to my dad. But in my case I don´t really have anything against arrange marriage and i have said to my dad that to me most important thing is that i like that guy and he likes me and we have same values and future plans and if my dad finds me that guy, i will marry him. And for me really important is that my family accepts that guy, and i know my mom is going to accept any guy who makes me happy, but my dad has some criterion like Muslim Pakistani guy and of course i respect his opinion, and good for me and good for my dad, Muslim and Pakistani guy belongs also my dream husbands features.

My dad said that he has got some calls from Pakistan, marriage proposals, and one was from his good friend who has son who is my age and educated etc. He said that if I want he can get his email and we can talk, but that was like half year ago, and then I said straight no and asked my dad ask me later, and he hasn't after that talked anything about marriage, until last week he said have i thought about marriage and i still said im not sure yet. So my dad is not forcing me to get married.
My aunt said to my dad that its better to find someone like in UK or Norway etc. and I think my dad is now taking that option too. He just don´t want me to end up guy who spends more time in club than with me. And Pakistani guys like who i know here is like that, and really they have lost their own identity and become too western. I know that doesn't mean that every Pakistani guy who lives here is like that, but some are and thats why i think its harder to find proper guy who isn't dated like 50 Swedish girls loll : D And im sure that my dad will check guy who he is thinking to be my husband really precisely because he is kind a overprotective and I have always been daddy s girl : )

I think that my dad wants to me to get arrange marriage, because we are really close family and he wants to be sure that he will get along with my husband. And like many dads he thinks that he knows whats best for me. I don´t know how would he react if i found Muslim Pakistani guy by myself...maybe he will be happy and give his permission..but I don´t want to think about that now because i haven´t find a guy.

And I don´t think im ready to get married just yet, but like within 5 years yes. And i think its really hard me to get married earlier than that, because i have so many things that i want to my future husband be, like not too western but not too strict, maybe im thinking about dream guy who isn't even existing : D

My dad wants me to get married a Pakistani guy, thats for sure : D He said that and I don´t mind because so do I : D But I really don´t mind where does he live, unless im sure about that citizenship thing, because i really have to be sure that he wants me, not my citizenship. And now when im writing this, i really came in that decision that it might really be better that my dad finds someone in UK, Norway etc. So u already cleared my mind, so thank you! :)

Thank you for the answers : )

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Re: My fears about arrange marriage.

^ ‘Gori’ just means a white girl..

**I think this needs to be moved to ‘life and relationships.’
**
Don’t worry Girlieee90, doesn’t seem as tho ur dad is going to push u into anything u don’t want and ur lucky ur aunt made that other suggestion and he is considering it. If u’d prefer to find someone urself u could always try and bring the subject up with ur dad and see how he reacts. Everyone is different tho, some people prefer arranged marriage, some prefer love :slight_smile:

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Re: My fears about arrange marriage.

I prefer it to be a arrange marriage or :hmmm: love marriage :konfused:

heck… life is a gamble… throw the dice and see what you get!!!

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Re: My fears about arrange marriage.

Honestly-- these are all questions that 100% show me you aren't ready for marriage. Instead of trying to force yourself to be ready, try talking to your family instead.

Marriage is something that can go really bad, if the timing isnt just perfect--for everyone in the marriage, husband, wife, mothers & fathers, in laws etc.

Take your time in choosing the right partner, and if possible dont let anyone force you.

If you talk to your family, hopefully they will consider what it is you want from life.. and marriage.

:)

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Re: My fears about arrange marriage.

Also-- i wanted to add that, from my experience, it is best to try to marry someone who is more like you in upbringing. Meaning, if your dad could find someone for you who was brought up like you, outside of pakistan etc, i think it would make life alot easier.

Just speaking from my personal experience.

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Re: My fears about arrange marriage.

you're only 20, tell your dad you want to concentrate on ur studies and building a career etc now so u need time to think abt it like 1 or 2 years. . give yourself time to make a decision. DNT RUSH INTO A RELATIONSHIP either arrange or love. . .

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Re: My fears about arrange marriage.

kul att träffa en annan svensk här!! :D

being swedish myself i can understand what you mean.. i have a lot of friends that have gotten married with a pakistan guy and they moved here later on.. it's really difficult in the begining, they have to get a SFI (learn swedish) and then study at some uni so that they can convert they degree into a swedish one..

you shouldn't worry about that he won't be happy because you guys won't have a bigger house.. they understand and know how we people live here.. they know that we won't have a big house like they might but we have so much other!! and also, i think he'll understand that living in a smaller house here isn't really a big deal..

but you have to make sure that the person you're getting married to understands you.. as long as you guys have a good understanding everything will be fine, inshallah..

however one thing that very important, make sure he can speak good english!! because in pakistan it's really not about the degree, there are lots of crapy uni that'll give you an MBA.. but only the one that knows how to speak good english are the real educated one..

feel free to ask me anything.. i've got lots of friends that got married to pakistani men, some turned out to be great other not so much.. i know exacally what you need to be looking for! :)

best of luck! :D
Miea

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Re: My fears about arrange marriage.

Sent you a PM.