what do u think ur observations tell u in this matter?
Lack of decent proposals is certainly a major problem in young Muslims’ lives who are living abroad and even in their original communities and countries, Behind this particular problem, there are many factors, which have to be looked into at a deeper level.
Finding a decent proposal is not easy. Traditionally, Muslim cultures value arranged marriages by the parents or elder siblings. When the pool of prospective is small, and too many expectations are present, it is even more harder to locate a decent proposal.
For one thing, both parties, the man and the woman need to converse with each other and get to know each other, before their parents or they themselves can begin to think on the lines of marriage of the two.
In the contemporary times, later marriages for both women and men are not necessarily a bad thing. The only negative aspect might be that with being older individuals, people have to deal with spouses who have become set in their particular routines, so for them to adjust to a ”double” situation might cause inconvenience Or can become an issue of seniority and control. Being of about the same age, and “growing together” in a marriage, I think, is more healthy than having a huge age difference in between the spouses.
Here is my main argument for the issue: a lack of decent proposals has to do with both women and men. And in order to have a win-win situation for both parties, both have to accurately and honestly outline who they want to look for to marry to.
For women, traditionally decent proposals come from the family of the prospective groom. It is considered giving respect to the women and her family., because someone worthy would send his parents to ask if his marriage is possible to their daughter. and if parents agree on both sides, the marriage will take place. Motives behind marrying rich or pretty individuals, is a personal choice. None-the-less, it has its own issues. So, those individuals who look for richer prospects and good looks, may have a hard time and bad experiences if they ended up with a wrong person.
Double standards have to go. Unfortunately, young men from Muslims countries are free to explore extra marital endeavors of sexual nature. The parents of the girls or women, on the other hand, are extremely concerned more about putting their daughters as soon as they can with someone and very often it is ignored to ascertain the character of the man with whom daughters are arranged to get married to. Otherwise, sooner or later unhappy marriage end in brutal divorces or suffering by both the spouses but more specifically the women.
It is another issue that due to patriarchal and chauvinistic mind sets, and physical weakness of ,they can get beaten up, burnt or brutally killed or tortured by way of humiliation. As far as I know, our “deen” does not permit any of it in any way, shape or form.
To turn to my original argument, Marriage is the ultimate social and intimate contract, between two people and with that comes the life long responsibility to make it work. Both parties will have to do their part to make sure they are fair to each other. Hiding anything before marriage is not a good thing. Too often repercussions haunt afterwards.
For men, the story is really not that different either. Islam asks chaste men to take into Nikah, chaste women. So, ideally, men should be concerned as well, who they eventually will marry. A man and his family has the right, just like a woman and her family, to fully investigate the character of the woman prior to marrying her.
In this context, the lust for good looks, money, and low or no self esteem, puts women over the edge. It is a shame how shamelessness has penetrated our Muslim communities too. It is one thing to say we are humans and that we all have basal instincts, biological or psychological in nature, but we still have a conscience and we still are Muslims & we should genuinely act like Muslims. Therefore, prior to marriage or after marriage, we should lead decent lives and make partnerships with spouses who are of commendable character and worthy of the honor of being chosen as spouses.\
Islam, as a practical religion, never condemns mutual understanding. If anything, it admonishes to develop it for better reliable relationship in the matrimonial contract. Both, men and women are to seek and question about each others’ opinions, thoughts, aspirations, character, ideas, planning for secure future together as well as see the family background and general outlook on life, in order to assess, whether pairing up with a certain individual will be suitable or not.
If the institution of marriage in middle upper class Muslim immigrant families has to become a valid place of entry and one which can allow personal growth as well as collective sense of well-being, then we must share our very reasonable concerns prior to entering a marital contract.
To solve or possibly help curb this lack of decent proposal problems, here are a few suggestions.
First of all, it is very important that early on, Muslim communities encourage adolescents and young adults to get to know potential life partners, without violating the ethics of “Mherem” and “Na Mahrem”
Secondly, men and women should first get financially established themselves in their young adulthood, after finishing their education, and having started their work lives. This gives more opportunity to know more people and then like-minded individuals can meet each other or well-meaning parents can introduce their young adult children –men and women, in helping them make a choice with regards their spouses.
Getting respect is very hard and establishing trust can be even harder. It is a transactional relationship, which demands transparent and clear cut consultative dealing. One cannot dominate the other. The process of finalizing a marriage cannot be rigged by mere upper-had mentality of who gives what and who is made to forsake something dear and important. Controlling the prospective spouses or their families will never allow for strong and content marriage.
Out of all things, we should avoid distrust on any one’s part at all costs. These are issues which are all related to identifying and successfully securing a decent proposal and working towards finally settling by marrying someone decent. It is a personal, familial as well as a huge societal issue. We need to be fair to ourselves and to others especially in matters where a life long commitment is required.
Hopefully, Muslims communities will have more successful married couples and a sense of achievement and contentment in their lives for making an honest and honorable commitment to who they care for and love as their spouses.
