Ive been engaged for 3-4 years. life has had its ups and downs as my family and in laws do not interact much and I have to struggle to make them meet or find occasions to invite them. Both sides don’t make effort but I want there to be a family bond there as ill be getting married soon.
My mother in law’s parents were divorced when she was young and she just reunited with their family after the death of her father.. shortly after someone told her regarding a rishta (MIL tayas daughters daughter) she thought she was appropriate and accepted the rishta although my brother in law has never met the girl and my FIL has also never met the girls parents in a very long time. it happened very casually.
the girl, ill call her M is really happy with the rishta and kept messaging my MIL how much she loves her (shes met her 3 times in her life) and started calling my FIL baba and stuff. she also got quite frank with my fiancé and my other BIL.. her happiness over arranged marriage to a guy shes never met and had no interest in her shocks me.. and the way shes talking to everyone.. its a little different for me.
my mother in law is really happy with her and im happy for them. Im a sunni and my mother in law is a shia, M is a shia as well ( my FIL and fiancé are not shia) bbut I have a healthy good relationship with my MIL ive always helped her and been like a daughter. anyway I never got a ring on my engagement.. I always wanted one but I kept quite.. M immediately got a imam zamin and a function. she also was introduced to the entire family like the way it is done normally while I was never introduced and I still haven’t been. After the imam zamin function my FIL threw a dinner as Mubarak for the girls family. it was never done for me. ( all this happened in a different city and I didn’t attend)
im feeling all this a lot. because I think I also deserved the same importance that she is getting. am I wrong here?
today her nikkah date also got decided.. and my MIL has not spoken of my marriage at all with my parents although im also 23 (M is 25) and its my age to be married.
Re: My elder brother in law got engaged. am i feeling too much? How should i be?
they r not ur inlaws until ur nikhad rigt now they r nothing as engagement holds no status .. i didnt read rest of ur post as i found an objection early in the post and that was enough for me. my work here is done.
Re: My elder brother in law got engaged. am i feeling too much? How should i be?
How did you and your fiance meet? Did your MIL/FIL approve of you when the engagement happened? Why is the reason behind YOUR parents not making any effort in all this? Were they ever disrespected by the other side?
I understand the the MIL hasn’t mentioned it. But why haven’t YOUR parents brought this up to the guy’s side in the last 3-4 YEARS?
Re: My elder brother in law got engaged. am i feeling too much? How should i be?
Okay I'll be blunt.
Firstly until you are married they ain't your in-laws. Agree with Homsick an engagement holds no actual position-not religiously nor legally.
Secondly you haven't said if you a part of your future husbands family but of course M is? If you are not family you need to accept that your future MIL will hold this girl dearer than you. She will spoil her too. Shes already being treated differently to you possibly because your FAMILY isn't sticking up for you and asking why the two brothers future wives are being treated do differently.
They've already set the wheels in motion for the other brothers marital life and you are still wondering about things.
Maybe your future in-laws don't put an effort in because they don't wish to be your future in-laws? If they are yet to set a date and you've been 'engaged' for this long I'd be wondering what they are trying to tell you.
You need to find reasons to deal with your future in-laws so I ask the question...why are you even bothered by this family? Cut ties and move on.
As for the shia sunni thing. I have no idea how it works (e.g. sunni boy, shia girl) etc.
Re: My elder brother in law got engaged. am i feeling too much? How should i be?
will it going to be love marriage? or arranged? my mom was different caste but my dadi and my chachi was same...no matter how evil my chachi was she was always appreciated by the dads family... and becuz of this my mom dad hasd issues sometimes ,,,it effected us ...... dads family love chachas kids more .... etc... i mtelling this becuz so u can see somewhat kind of this future..... if u r not liked by this family ..
if u r u think that then i think ur parents should standup and take charge or u asked ur fiance....but engagment for this long.... i m not in favor..either shadi fast or split... bad mein pereshan hone se bheter hai abhi ho ...hope it helps
Re: My elder brother in law got engaged. am i feeling too much? How should i be?
will it going to be love marriage? or arranged?
if u r u think that then i think ur parents should standup and take charge or u asked ur fiance....but engagment for this long.... i m not in favor..either shadi fast or split... bad mein pereshan hone se bheter hai abhi ho ...hope it helps
I think Nonies approach is by far the most practical for you at this point. They've been at the receiving end of preference of one bahu over the other.
Truth of the matter is pershani has already kicked in and you either need to:
1) accept that the behaviour of your future in-laws towards you is NOT likely to change
2) do something about it NOW so it doesn't cause problems later
3) cut ties NOW and move on.
Whatever you do I hope you understand that human nature is what it is. Your future MIL is likely to be favouring the other future DIL as she's from family and she's attempting to make up for lost time and she wants to impress EVERYONE on that side of the family. Your future FIL maybe putting in extra effort because he is happy that his wife has re-established links with her Fathers family. Or it maybe M reminds her of herself etc etc-it maybe nothing to do with being family.
Of course this shouldn't mean different treatment between future DILs as both these guys are their sons however let's be open and honest OP you've been engaged for longer than most would like and there's no sign of the actual wedding. You didn't get given a ring, and no fuss was made over your 'ristaa'. Doesn't seem to point in the direction of a Fairytale wedding, marriage or life now does it. I'm not saying we all strive for that, however being treated nicely helps with the adjustment process into a new family setting.
Good Luck. If you do go ahead with his marriage I expect to see you a few weeks after the marriage takes place back here because your new MIL is favouring the other DIL over you and you get no respect etc etc and your husband has explained his Mama is making up for lost time etc etc with her family.
Re: My elder brother in law got engaged. am i feeling too much? How should i be?
@ Paheli: My parents don't want to bring this topic up because they find it inappropriate. Since my and my fiancé were studying it was not a good time to bring marriage up..
We met in college, he liked me and we became friends and fell in love. He introduced me to his mother shortly after that.. His mother suggested that she talks to my parents regarding to marriage because my fiancé was only 18.
my parents have always tried to invite them over as much as possible.. and to call on events like Eid and stuff but my in laws barely ever called themselves so we stopped bothering. my parents strictly believe that if people are comfortable meeting its ok otherwise lets not force anyone.
Princess: I agree legally I am not at all related to it, I don't believe in engagements. there should be a direct nikkah however you know in our society we don't get married unless earning. I don't think they don't want me to be a part of their family, my mother in law really appreciates me and asks me on every issue ( like buying new furniture or new clothes.. she even said a lot of times that she wants her other bahoo to be like me)
I understand that MIL is not social in nature and the reason shes socializing with the new girls family is because its inside family.
Re: My elder brother in law got engaged. am i feeling too much? How should i be?
Im sorry if I gave the impression that they treat me badly. they are really good with me .. its just that things are being way to simple for the new girl (shes getting nikkahfied immediately. a reason behind this is also because her family are openly asking for thiings and sharing it. my family doesn't since we don't know them too well and doesn't believe in forcing. )
Re: My elder brother in law got engaged. am i feeling too much? How should i be?
Well there you go. You already know exactly why you’re not being treated the same as the other girl. You might feel sad about the situation…but you understand why you’re being treated differently than her.
The engagement happened 4-5 YEARS ago. Its reasonable that at that time both of you were studying and so a wedding date was not set. But now at 23 and 25…if BOTH of you are done with your studies and feel that BOTH of you are ready to get married…then I have no idea why your parents think it’s inappropriate to bring this up to his parents? You’re their daughter. If they’re not willing to put aside their personal feelings and push for your happiness (ie. the wedding)…I’m not sure there is any reason to get upset with his mother for it.
Besides, this being a love marriage…have you spoken to your fiance about this? Has he already told his parents that he’s ready to move forward with this engagement?
Re: My elder brother in law got engaged. am i feeling too much? How should i be?
We are both 23 years old as we were classfellows.
Yes I know im being treated differently because my parents are quiet and have never demanded a thing, but I think i'd like to get things without saying it.. My FIL and MIL recently discussed my marriage as the brothers nikkah is in Lahore they asked me to come along, I said I couldn't obviously and they said lets do your nikkah too.
My fiancé still has one exam left to finish his degree so his parents are planning to get us married after that.
my in laws are planning to get married both their sons side by side. I want to get married AFTER my elder brother in law .. is it right? or it doesn't matter?
Re: My elder brother in law got engaged. am i feeling too much? How should i be?
Yes I know im being treated differently because my parents are quiet and have never demanded a thing, but I think i'd like to get things without saying it..
my in laws are planning to get married both their sons side by side. I want to get married AFTER my elder brother in law .. is it right? or it doesn't matter?
Well, I'm pretty sure that your in-laws aren't mind readers. So I have no idea how you think you can "get things" if you and your parents aren't willing to tell your in-laws what your side wants.
If your parents aren't willing to bring up these issues to your future in-laws (ie. having a separate wedding for you AFTER).......then it's best for you to let it go. As you already know....you're at an disadvantage b/c the other bahu entering the family with you is already closer to your in-laws AND her family is very involved with them too. If your parents aren't willing to take control of their daughter's wedding.......then you need to let your in-laws decide the major things. You saying something directly to them may impact their feelings towards you negatively in the future.
Of course, if having a double wedding bothers you that much......then you could also talk to your fiance about it. See if he's willing to talk to his parents and tell them that HE (ie. leaving you out of the conversation totally) wants to delay the wedding a bit..........maybe use the fact that he's a recent grad and he wants to find a job before nikah as an excuse.
Re: My elder brother in law got engaged. am i feeling too much? How should i be?
Its not exactly going to be a double wedding thank god that idea hasn't crossed her mind yet .. but both weddings with a 4-5 days notice. I don't mind the 5 day notice but I would want to be the last one to get married.
The new girl is very friendly and good with words.. so i'd like to see what she does when she goes there so I know how I should be. maybe this doesn't really make sense.
Yes when the dates topic comes, ill ask my parents to say that.. the excuse can't be that my fiancé doesn't have a job as hes already earning and expecting a promotion in oct..
