I am sure you remember this thread..
What is marriage all about?
now don’t get me wrong.. no experience yet… :~)
Actually i was going to use the discussion we had in this thread for one of my assignments which would be published. So i just wanted to ask for your permission. Furthermore, if you would let me know how would you like me to address you in that article. Its going to be in the form of a dialogue. hmmm its just that Mr. Fraudia might not very good idea to use in the article. :~)
Please don’t scare me from marriage 
for the purpose of the paper, you can use any name. Obviously you would not use my real name anyways. So it does not matter whetehr I am Ahmer, or Danesh or Mustansar.
:)
I assume you also want to conitnue the discussion in which case I am going to cut and paste the last respnse u had and continue from there.
*what is care/respect? Words like care, respect, love have a very soothing affect to a human ear(and it sounds as if this is the solution to every such problem) *
they are not the solution to every problem, but the basis for solution. You will not find a solution if the person or the matter is inconsequential. You have to feel a stake in the situation for you to be willing to compromise and find a win-win solution.
*but when it comes to practical life care and respect just don’t help in promoting a successful relationship(particularly in the beginning). Like love, care has to be developed. *
And compromise has to be equitable and fair. is it win-win or is it win-lose and one sided. I have seen too many desi men askign their wives to compromise, while in effect theya re asking them to stop being who they are and who they want to be and try to fit in some expectation set by their husband and his family. That is not a compromise. its not a win-win situation.
*U compromise cause u want to care(which I mentioned earlier for love). *
you compromise because you care. if you dont give a damn why would you "compromise". Lets say you get in an arranged marriage tomorrow like one of those old fashioned where youhave no clue which sort of person is this character. Now once u get married, you find you spouse to be an offensive, uncouth ogre who is too demanding and abusive.
In this situation, would your eally compromise? or walk out. too may times women especially have to scarifice considerably to make marriage work, and its no mutual compromise, its because theya re thrown into something and they must make it work because of the societal taboos associated with divorce to this day in our culture. So they stop being who they are, give up a lot just to avoid the dreaded divorce. They are not sacrificing because they want to care. they are sacrificing because they must, because there is no other way.
*This to me more sounds like fear. ur wife is like ur friend. and respect sounds a bit too formal word for such a close relationship. Parents often advise to their kids(particularly to girls); beta care for him. respect him!!! *
we may not use the term respect all so often however we respect many people around us, friends, siblings, and respect is not just for the elders.
*in respect, u hide ur feelings. *
No, that may be your definition. But to me repect means honesty and genuine concern for another person with respect for who they are. I respect my parents, i dont deceive them, out of respect, i am concerned about how they feel and thus try to make my mode of interaction and delivery of messages to them in a way that keeps their feelings in mind.
I dont really respect a telemarketer, so I am little concerned about how they feel and tell them to take me off their list and not to call and hang up. direct to the point and done.
*whats the idea of the whole marriage thing if u are going to do that with somebody with whom u have to spend ur whole. needless to mention the effects it might have on the person himself/herself. *
as I mentioned I dont think respect = fear. This may be a byproduct of desi institutions where everyone who you are supposed to respect carries a stick and uses it on you. teachers, elders etc. the enforce fear not earn respect. A huge difference.
I never respected some of my teachers who were overgrown bullies and essentially bordered on what may be considered child abuse. They wanted respect, they did nto earn it, they did enforce fear in the hearts of the kids.
same fear that abusive spouses, and again mostly men in our culture get by the fact that in most cases theya re the primary wage earner and the women are afraid of divorce. On the basis of this fear, they are able to command their wives to mold themselves into their husbands idealogies and then the word copromise is used for that too. some compromise.
But advising them to sit down and talk about it(compromising) might help. This is more practical and this would lead to a care/love which perhaps has more chances of lasting forever.
yet again, if I dont care, and if i dont repect the person in the least bit, why would I even want to compromise?
Compromise of the sort you are mentioning does not result in love or care, it results is a accepted modus operendi that both parties have agreed to and live with. It may not result is brining people closer, but may avoid or decrease conflict.
*a human brain sometimes becomes soo naive/numb that its hard for it to make a decision which is best for such a situation and for which specific instruction have to be given to it. One should have a practical approach towards marriage. *
I doubt it, i think given time and ability to think one can figure out what is best keeping the related specifics in mind.
**
Care, respect love and every other such word do and can exist in a relationship but not in the manner which is portrayed in movies.**
I am not talking movies. I am talking real life. take these concepts out from just marriage and apply it to interactions with siblings and friends and you will see what I mean.
I know brothers who dot talk anymore. cant they just compromise and get on with it. they can..but they dont wanrt to, because they dont care anymore, they do not have respect for one another so they could'nt care less what the other person is thinking or feeling.
*What is ur def of love, respect/care? And how do u expect the person to do that in the start of a relationship? for the sake of producing offspring *
Understanding the other person will be a good starting point. and yes you may not know the person fully before getting married even if you have been involved for sometime. I mean people dont fully know themselves how can they fully know someone else. But as long as you have an idea its a good start.
Not according to my def of compromise which i already mentioned earlier.
your definition of compromise sounds too much like a one sided sacrifice that soemone has to make to keep the thing going.
When my boss gives me 3 projects and I tell him that I will have to delay the deadline for current deliverables, and we figure out what will be the best way to get all the neded work done and to balance other factors etc by decreading number of assignments, delaying due dates or giving me additional resources that is compromise. When I give up and stay in 14 hrs a day to get the work done because the boss wont budge, thats one sided sacrifice which I am doing because I have to, or i may get in trouble. vice versa if my boss has to handle this work himself because I have plainly said no, than he is sacrificing because he has to manage that with his work.
apply the same logic to marriage. is the couple working together and thus compromising, or one person is sacrificing and the other person could not be bothered. In such a case the marriage may stay intact, but is it a successful marriage, are both people involved happy and achieving their potential as best as they can?
PS. if anybody wants to add anything to this thread feel free to do so or open a new thread
moona,
boo
b/w u already sound scared... smile copyright munni
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Fraudz: *
for the purpose of the paper, you can use any name. Obviously you would not use my real name anyways. So it does not matter whetehr I am Ahmer, or Danesh or Mustansar.
[/QUOTE]
if thats what u want.. so..how about Tom..Harry!! :~) Besides, I would also have to mention in a line or two to reflect the person I will be having the discussion with. Check ur PM.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Fraudz: *
I assume you also want to conitnue the discussion in which case I am going to cut and paste the last respnse u had and continue from there.
[/QUOTE]
nopes..thats not what i had in mind! :~) b/w u seem to have made a come back with a renewed vigour. :~)
i am kind of caught up with work these days..i will get back with this thread in a couple of weeks or so. STAY TUNED!
same goes for the C.V. thingy...until then moona can go ahead with it if she wants to.
Fraudz,
Syrely, you'd want the name FRANK. No?
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by mo_best: *
Fraudz,
Syrely, you'd want the name FRANK. No?
[/QUOTE]
Frank, nyah ppl may think heartbeat talked to Sinatra.