Moving too fast?

Lifestyle Relationships
1

I have lost patience with guys, and found that a lot of them especially with the online profiles, are more browsing than seriously looking. Desi guys who grew up here, if they want to keep their life halaal and want to get married as soon as they find the right girl, dont seem to waste time. Most of my friends and colleagues from school seemed to find the girl , then within the year they were engaged/married. If I asked them about a timeline, for most situations it was all done and complete within the 1 year, with the girl more than anything needing time to plan her wedding/wedding dresses etc, which all takes minimum 6 months. The guys didn’t seem to waste time about knowing what they wanted - when they felt right about the situation, they tied the knot.

Most of my friends/colleagues were in their late 20’s when they got hitched, few in their early 30’s. For the most part if there was a delay for the guy, it was because of his education.

Then you have this other class of guys, a lot of them RAISED IN THE US, who seem to be caught between the dating culture they are familiar with from their friends and schooling, and then the Islamic lectures of getting married ASAP, and not wasting a girl’s time, and arranged marriages with their mom trying to set them up with one girl after another. These are the guys that are handed 20 pictures by ammi jaan every month, and they browse thru them and I’m pretty sure they pay more attention to each page on the month’s playboy magazine than these rishta profiles. Most of the girls on these rishta profiles don’t even know whose hands their pictures are in…or furthermore what horrific acts their pictures are being used for. shudders. They just know (or their moms know) that the picture is sent out and no calls ever get returned.

These boys are also online with profiles on all the latest desi / muslim websites, and they seem to be looking for “the one”, but give them a nice girl, nice picture and again yaaaawwwnnn so many nakhray. You’re lucky if the guy simply saves you time and doesn’t bother to respond to you much, but in many cases I’ve found these guys just want to talk…and talk…and talk…and will want to exchange about 100 texts before they even pick up the phone to call…

Most of these guys will not involve parents, but some will…and even then, after a meeting or so … you will just have more talking and talking…

And then finally you corner the guy and ask him what his intentions and plans are and it’s like you blew up his mind…he either has nothing to say or a line of excuses of why he’s taking his time.

In these situations, is one simply wasting their time?

Why do desi families produce such progeny?

Don’t the families of such guys out there crack down on these guys and tell them to get their act together?

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Re: Moving too fast?

Or am I just being impatient and I should accept this is all normal?

Because I feel in these circumstances, I'm being strung along, only to find out months down the line that the guy isn't that serious.

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Re: Moving too fast?

Have you heard of a lady called India Kang ? She's a dating and relationship expert based in uk I think, look her up on the Internet, listen to her interviews and read her book. I heard her on the radio a couple of days ago and it was interesting to listen to. She has lots of tips and advice for such situations, give her advice a try and see how far you get.

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Re: Moving too fast?

I can empathize with you. I am a guy, and I've got stories from the other side! Just be patient. It is super frustrating, I can understand. At the end of the day its fate, and whenever it must happen it will! one can try, and it just gave me an idea about whats really "out there"! we can get along well with so many people as long as its not about SHAADI...then so much bizarreness starts pouring out.

:-\

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Re: Moving too fast?

Yaa Allah PCG ko jaldee say aik naik , sharee, ghareloo aur paka mashraqi doolah atta ferma day. Ameen.
So that she can start ranting about bils, sils, mils and all other kind of ils. Ameen.

All , please say Ameen.

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Re: Moving too fast?

Everyone's timeline is different PCG. Not everyone goes along the same formula.

Comparing yourself to others is always a bad idea...so don't. Look around you again...there are also examples that are unconventional.

If I were you, I'd focus on having fun. These years will NEVER come back PCG and you don't want to look back at them wishing you had done it differently.

You're YOUNG, single, unattached, educated, working professional, smart, qualified, etc. If its not happening right now, there's a reason for it and you'll just have to trust that. In the meantime, squeeze what you can out of life. Travel, see the world, set a goal for yourself, explore who you are and what your passions are. That's what I'd do if I were you.

I think you should take a vacation - spoil yourself.

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Re: Moving too fast?

Aaaameeeeeeeennnnnn!!!!!

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Re: Moving too fast?

Why don't Desi families only produce women that first category of men choose?

Why can't this be a perfect world?

Why it's so cold?

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Re: Moving too fast?

we have collectively made getting married difficult and zina easier!

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Re: Moving too fast?

Very well said.

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Re: Moving too fast?

Easier said than done. Went to new york with my mom recently, we had fun. It's not like I don't do things I enjoy. I keep up with my gym and my shopping, my only two lingering hobbies. I don't like to read books anymore. I keep up with my TV shows on hulu, and I watch movies occasionally.

But everything I do, has to be done for the most part, solo. That's how it is for girls in their 30's who are alone and career women. We have our careers to occupy us, and then in our spare time we have some fun, but when you're single, what entails "fun" is v. different than what entails "fun" as a married woman.

Married women I work with in their spare time are spending time with their husband and their kids, and doing fun things that revolve around families.

When you're single, a lot of that you can't do, or if you do it, you're doing it alone.

I don't know about you, but going to Disney isn't fun alone. Traveling really isn't fun when you're wandering around alone. It's also not entirely safe either. I don't feel safe traveling to forests and natural parks alone, you never know if you'll end up getting raped or kidnapped. I can't go to Umrah/Hajj alone. I can't travel to Pakistan alone and stay there alone safely - tried doing it recently, experience was scary, not sure if I want to do it again any time soon. Eating dinner at a restaurant - difficult if alone. Some places are more friendly to single diners than others. I can walk into a movie theatre and watch a movie alone, but I leave feeling like a loser.

These activities would all be more fun if I wasn't alone. All I can do alone and not feel bad about is 1. gym and 2. shopping.

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Re: Moving too fast?

PCG -

I cannot agree with you.

I have traveled alone. :) Vegas, Florida and Arizona....................loved it.

One of my friends...she might be going through a divorce soon...went on the spur of the moment to Malaysia..........alone. She said everyone should do something like that when she got back and I agree!

The things I used to as a single girl:

Watched movies alone in a theater...yes...that was my downtime and I earned it. I lived a stupid hectic life and movie time is when I switched off my phone and disconnected for a few hours with nothing but a big screen in front of me and some junk food.

Ate out alone...I did this all the time with a really good book. It was awesome, satisfying and so relaxing.

Spa days.

Hosted parties all the time with people who were just like me...alone. I reached out, reached out, reached out and created a network of people for myself.

PCG life is short...yes there are moments when you really feel those pangs but who says you have to feel them or give in to them? You work, workout and shop. Those are your activities...but what about your passion? Do you have a cause or something that excites you? Do you ever look at something and say "Wow, I would LOVE to do that!" If you don't, find it. You have the luxury of exploring and finding yourself right now!

My sister also went through a divorce...not sure if I've ever discussed this here...but when she found herself single again...she picked up a mic and started singing. She picked up a brush and started painting. She is now a lead singer in a band and sells her artwork at local gallery shows in Chicago...also remarried as of 1.5 years ago.

Its not all bad PCG...focus on things that bring you happiness and if you don't have anything right now that does...find it.

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Re: Moving too fast?

^ We get it you made it through the jungles of singledom and came out smelling like a rose, nice. Except, not all of us have gone thru the same things in life, and not all of us are in the same mental state, and not all of us have the same set of social skills. I'm relatively introverted in real life, and with scars, and it's hard to make friends in general when you're working so much, and life is the way it is. Everyone is plugged into the internet. Up until now I haven't had the money to fly around. Grad school loans take a lot out of your 20's, you can't do that much that easily. And I don't drink so most of the people around me were not options to hang out with after exams, and such. I wasn't the type that ended up in the bar drunk.

Anyway, to each his own, glad you found something valuable in your life.

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Re: Moving too fast?

I don't think the that the people you are looking at are not serious about getting married. Most of these guys, even if they dated casually in the past, and are now on these websites, I don't think are still looking for a casual relationship. I just don't think in the mind of a muslim desi guy in the US a shaadi.com profile is how he will look for a casual relationship.

I think the problem is that there are soo many options, some people are holding out for the "perfect" partner, so they don't commit and appear "not serious". I think this is a problem of our generation. Rishta process/online profiles give us objective stats about people that we can filter out, but it makes it easier to think that something better may come along. In addition, we have a western perspective on how to determine if we want to marry someone (the "spark", the romance, and the dramatic decision) which can cause a prolonged courtship.

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Re: Moving too fast?

I'd like to give you an example - I know a few handsome, well accomplished men in their mid 30s who are still single. they are serious about marriage, and have their profiles on these websites for years. The problem is they have an idea of what kind of person they want, and they have high expectations because not only are they accomplished, but they are attractive, which lets be honest ladies is not common in a desi guy. SO they want an equally attractive and accomplished person. But what 20something girl is actively looking to marry a 35 year old? And how many women in their early 30s look as good as they did in their 20s? so the pool is small, the expectations are high, and there's that lingering thought that maybe something better is out there.

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Re: Moving too fast?

I don't think the that the people you are looking at are not serious about getting married. Most of these guys, even if they dated casually in the past, and are now on these websites, I don't think are still looking for a casual relationship. I just don't think in the mind of a muslim desi guy in the US a shaadi.com profile is how he will look for a casual relationship.

I think the problem is that there are soo many options, some people are holding out for the "perfect" partner, so they don't commit and appear "not serious". I think this is a problem of our generation. Rishta process/online profiles give us objective stats about people that we can filter out, but it makes it easier to think that something better may come along. In addition, we have a western perspective on how to determine if we want to marry someone (the "spark", the romance, and the dramatic decision) which can cause a prolonged courtship.

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Re: Moving too fast?

I think it's just that women tend to be more serious and once we start talking to a guy, we start thinking long-term and try to envision ourselves with that person in the future. But men are not necessary like that. They are more "laid back" about it and it takes them time to make a decision. Also, with these matrimonial sites, they are exposed to a world of options so the thought of "something better out there" lingers in their mind.

I hope Allah relieves you of your frustration soon <3 and may He make this process easier for all of us.

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Re: Moving too fast?

Well then the question is do you just keep talking to a guy who is still trying to make up his mind? Do you keep talking to a guy and be laid back and have zero expectations of him, and does that approach make it MORE likely that he will marry you at the end of the day?

The mantra is, if he's not communicating as much, he's not that into you, and stop wasting your time on him. The risk is you keep being patient with the guy, then a year goes by and he's still nowhere near to proposing to you.

I think in my case the guy just realized I was on a different timeline than him, and he had his limitations with traveling back and forth to Pakistan, so he felt I wouldn't do well with a fiance/husband out of the country so often and for so long, and so he figured he should end it before things get too far.

:( < --- a lot of this today.

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Re: Moving too fast?

To continue talking to the guy, and waiting for him to make up his mind, is dependent on whether or not you think it is worth it to see what the result could be. It could be a yes or no. In other words, is he nice enough, is he respectful? is he educated enough etc etc? whatever your criteria is, does he fit the bill? Not every guy is worth the time to sit around and wait.

If you think it would still be worth it to wait around, with the possibility of still hearing a "no", then go for it. At least you gave it a shot. But you need to prepare yourself for that possibility. And if it does work out, then obviously, that's a good thing. You would have been awarded for your patience.

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Re: Moving too fast?

I also gave the example of my sister...there's a ton more out there if you need them. I found and met a lot of people who inspired me after my divorce...it keeps you from doing the "poor me" thing too much.

Life is what you make of it. You need to make some choices for yourself...be proactive...don't let yourself be at the mercy of "this is the way it is" because it ain't. On the other hand, if you're willing to accept that, then that's also your choice.

I can type until my fingers are numb but nothing will help if all you're looking for is sympathy. I don't have sympathy.

I guess I don't understand despair/helplessness very well...in my mind there's always a way...you just have to find it.

The world is too big and there's too much out there.

Life is short...one day you'll look back at this time when you're old and gray and wish you had done more. Don't wait for that day.