Okay inspired by the MILs thread…i was wondering…people who do live with their in laws…do you have this feeling of moving out and living alone…like where you can be a boss of yourself…have your own working schedule…you can cook whatever you want…sleep whenever you want…i mean there is no one to judge you in any sorta thing you do..
We are planning to move out but just the thought of moving out scares the hell out of me because i dont know how my in laws will react…my husband did told my MIL that by next year we will move out and she started crying and was not feeling good for the whole day and the next day…i mean she is always talking about living together even after my BIL will get married…she talk about getting a big house that had 7-8 bedrooms…so we all can live in it…But i think this only happens in films…here in US first its really expensive to get a house and and than with 4 women living under one roof…its not going to be easy…and once we have our kids it will be a mess…but i think my saas is not thinking like this…
I dont know what will happen when we will tell her that we are moving out on blank date…i mean i dont want her to hate me of taking her son away from her…he also wants to move out only so he can be more in control of life and before we have kids we should know how to run a household and other stuff that you can only learn once you are all by yourself
So how would you guys handle this kind of situation?
decision to live on one's own or joint family system varies from person to person. Two statements in your post are incorrect.
first one
*talk about getting a big house that had 7-8 bedrooms...so we all can live in it....But i think this only happens in films...here in US first its really expensive to get a house *
it may be cheaper to have a large house where 2 or 3 ppl are sharing the mortgage pmts than 3 people paying separate payments for individual smaller houses. so dont use that as a reason, the numbers will be against you.
we should know how to run a household and other stuff that you can only learn once you are all by yourself
that is untrue again, it does not have to be when one is alone, but when one is responsible, even if it is for their share only. if you guys are paying part of rent/mortgage, part of utilities, groceries etc, then you can learn how to run a household even when you are in a joint family system. so dont use that as a reason either.
It boils down to need for personal space etc. which is fine and a valid reason.
Mr. Fraudia To some extent you are right. It is cheaper when you are sharing everything. IF we move out than we will pay the whole payments that will make a huge difference in our monthly income and we wont know this until we move out.
SWEET.I.F...i used to think the same exact thing before i got married...things changes after you get married...
hey lady
well, i moved out BEFORE I got married and from personal experience, i can tell you, it wont be easy but its worth every single tear. having your own space, especially if you're the independent sort, is SO important to your own mental health, your hubby's mental health, and the health of your relationship. again, keep in mind, this is my own personal experience.
also secondly, its good that you introduced the idea to your MIL now, while you and your hub are starting to think about it. keep talking to her about it. make sure she knows you moving out doesn't mean you're moving out of her life... that you'll still very much be part of the family and they are welcome to come over at any time and spend time with you two. explain to her that you need personal space, because honestly, its very important, and also, yeah, i agree that its good to be on your own so you can learn to manage a household and be independent. i mean, that was one of the key reasons I moved out... and i've grown so much as a person because of it. it was NOT easy, it was very painful and there was lots of drama, but everyone got over it and honestly, its made my relationship with my parents SO much stronger than it was. i can open up and chat with them about 5 million things whereas before i used to resent them too much to want anything to do with them. you're advantage is two-fold- you're married already, and your hubs supports you in this.
just keep at it- take it slow and you know, if anyone wants to know, be open and upfront and explain to them why you feel its important to you both, individually and as a couple. your inlaws will come around- but judging by your mil's reaction (similar to my parents) just be prepared for recriminations, accusations and lots and lots of general crap. it'll pass. and you'll be fine in the end in your own place. be strong!
as for living in a 7-8 bedroom house together... yeah... i've seen families who tried to do the communal thing and all it does is cause tension and hassles and fights. its not pleasant. you could try it and see, but if you're already getting restless just with you two and your inlaws and i'm assuming your BIL, then i don't see it going anywhere good. so yeah... that my two cents.
I have had couple of friends here in the us, who lived in a the "big house with so many rooms" after so many years they have moved out...Some eventually sooner then later.There was this one friend where all of the sons lived together, and they called their MIL Hitler:D...it was funny as she had very strict rules of when the breakfast/chaid dinner will be served and by which DIL...I never believed it until I saw it myself....Anyway the sons moved out one by one and right now only one is living with them, and she has changed quite a bit over the years.The other firend here in tx all have recently gotten 3 homes close by and now r manking like a seperate guest house for their parents in one of the homes.It took them I think 10 years to change to their current situation.
Everybody needs their own space, even the MIL's.:D
Mr. Fraudia To some extent you are right. It is cheaper when you are sharing everything. IF we move out than we will pay the whole payments that will make a huge difference in our monthly income and we wont know this until we move out. ...
u have an excellent opportunity betwen now and when you move out to start budgeting. estimate the amount of your expenses each month once u move out, and move that sum (minus any portion you are sharing) into savings.
so just to use an example, if your share in rent, utilities, bills, hatever is $1000/month, and you think that once you move out it will be $2500/mont, then start moving $1500/month into savings and see how it works out.
this will help you get ready to be on your own, and in the process help build a nice little savings balance.
Just wanted to contribute to this thread. Since this MIL issue started, we have been thinking about moving out too but at the same time, my Parents in Law are very old yet capable of this hungama…we have to stay with them for a while. The only reason i am staying and putting up with this is because of my husband. I am not trying to get him away from his mother but the contrary! I always **SUGGEST **for him to go and spend time with this mum so she doesnt feel like i am trying to get him away from her!
Inshallah we will move out in the next couple of years or so and till then all we can do (DIL’s who are going thru the same situation as me) is pray and be strong and ignore whatever is being said.
**FROM THIS MSG ONWARDS, I CAN NOW CONFIRM, I WILL NOT BE OPENING ANY OTHER THREADS ABOUT MIL’s **
If your FIL and NIL are very old as you say, then who will take care of them when you move out?
They are not incapable of doing anything Iconoclast! Mashallah they are very healthy and always on the move and it has been bought up in conversations with them that we will be moving out one day or another!
Mr. Fraudia…thank you for advice i think thats an excellent idea and we are already saving some money to move out
SOMEGROVYCHICK…you dont know how relax i am after reading your reply…so now theres a hope for me too…i mean MIL is not a terrible person at all…i think its just me that i was so independent before i got married k now i cant deal with her watching every step of mine and telling me not to that or do that…Inshallah everything will be fine too when we will move out beacuse i dont want bad relationship with my in laws
AMBER11…lol…trust me sometimes it is fun to live in a big family but not always
SUNSET EYES…oh i do that alot to…i always force my husband to talk to my FIL …or i am always telling him to spend more time with his family…
I loved living with my MIL. She was one of the nicest MIL, I have seen. She died 3 yrs ago. I always thought that it is our responsibility to take care of my MIL & FIL the same way I will like to take care of my own parents. I can understand not living with married BIL or SIL but can't understand leaving elderly retired parents alone. Buzurgon say ghur main buhat ronak hoti hay.
All I am trying to say is that everyone knows their situation and can decide what is best for them.
Just a random question? Im not in this situation but just curious...for all the ladies who are having issues with MIL...or want to move out...
Do u have brothers? If so do you also feel the same way about your sister in laws? That as soon as they are married, they should be able to move out and live on their own, and your parents should live on their own?
I think the ideal situation would be (if parents are old and incapable of taking care of themselves...that to buy a home nearby them, maybe same city. That way you'd have your own space but be close enough to spend time with them, take care of them...etc.
Now another question I have....rather thought (rambling one)
I "thought" religously the most respect is given to a mother, I believe there are even hadith about how important the mother is, and the respect she deserves...and also parents. I don't know how but I do pray my parents are taken care of as they are getting older and health is draining. I would hope my brothers have the sense and intelligence to balance their wives and duty towards out parents. That said...because I pray for my OWN parents welfare so much....I tend to think of my hubby's parent's the same way...or at least try to in a similar fashion think my hubby must feel the same about his parents. I don't live with in-laws, but I try my level best to make him do things for them, or I do them on my own. There isn't much we can do physically since they are in pakistan...but making sure if they dont need anything (cash, items...etc), sending little trinkets, gifts...etc just so they feel that they are cared for. I know all we get out of this is duas...but they are so important. Khair again not sure if I make sense. I do know certain in-laws can be very cruel and manipulative...so pray those relationships get better
all i can say is MOVE OUT! and do it soon. no matter the cost, do it. so u wont have much left over but id rather be low on bills than having to deal w. somoene telling me what to do all the time. even if its slow now it will change esp when u have kids. what if one day she wants to do things one way w. ur kids and u dont agree...there will be a fight...then whose side will ur husb be on when hes caught in the middle. move out sooner than later these types of things NEVER EVER work out no matter how nice she is!
Just a random question? Im not in this situation but just curious...for all the ladies who are having issues with MIL...or want to move out...
Do u have brothers? If so do you also feel the same way about your sister in laws? That as soon as they are married, they should be able to move out and live on their own, and your parents should live on their own?
Oh please, don't you know it's MIL we are talking about, a species completely different from our own Moms:)
Our moms are so nice and they are/will be the most amazing MIL any lucky girl can ever have!:)
**