Been married 10 months to my bf of 8 years. I got married at 24 , my husband at 27. We now live with my in laws and my husbands uncle as he is disabled. Life for 2 months post marriage was okay- since then it all went down hill. If my MIL didn’t like the way things were going she would give me the silent treatment. Once when she was going round a friends house she gave me the option to go with her or stay. I stayed n she gave me the silent treatment. I work shift work and there’s a few jobs she wanted me to go for, I showed an interest in one but not the other. She then txt me telling me it was the closing date n why I haven’t applied. I explained to her that in enjoying my job more now and the shift work suits my husband and I therefore we have decided to stay. She then replied saying how I like shifts because it means I wouldn’t have to sit with her at home n that a married girl doesn’t suit shifts, maybe living with in laws isn’t for me and my husband is the only one who matters. My husband must have argued with her away from me as for the next month after she didn’t talk to him or I. She also stopped speaking to me when she assumed I wouldn’t look after her disabled brother when she wanted to go to India, and also again with the silent treatment for a month when my husband and her argued over money. I’ve only been here 10 months n instead getting to know me and making this a safe place, she had alienated me. She always bangs on about her daughter and How perfect she is with her in laws n husband- and talks at me instead of a conversation. Therefore she doesn’t know my thoughts and opinions let alone the real me.
All this has led to me wanting to move out, n feeling suffocated here. It’s like she’s emotionally invested in our marriage and sees me as a trophy piece to show off to her friends and family. She moans that I don’t take her when I visit my mum, or that I go shopping and don’t ask her but I do all of that to get away from her. I don’t know why she is so obsessed- also I’m my marriage.
When she’s “home” I have to sit with her as my husband at first said he wanted us to build a relationship, was fine by me but to the extent that we have to be in the same room all the time, n when she goes to bed I go to bed etc. I’ve done all of this because of her message regarding me not wanting to spend time with her Etc but I dread going home because it’s all about her, she so self centered and doesn’t want to share her son with me I just don’t know what to do. I hate it here. My husband and I have spoken about moving out because of the pressure she puts on us, but after our chats he never seems to put the wheels in motion or mention it again until the next time things get bad. I just don’t know which side of the fence he’s sitting on. In the last arguement MIL told me to leave and take my husband with me but I didn’t because I thought of my parents, my husband and his relationship with his family but it was a jail free card and I regret not taking it. Somebody help? Share your experiences?
My MIL was the same.. Whilst laid up when she had a major knee replacement 2 weeks after my marriage and despite me doing everything for her (father in law played the make me feel guilty part about carers coming in) and me not going back to work i was never good enough. Nothing i did was good. It got to a point where my jnlaws became verbally abusive my husband decided we will move out. I lasted 6 months with them. It was hard. I tried everything to treat them like parents but i couldnt even spend time with my husband who in turn would moan at me that im forever in the kitchen or hoovering cleaning etc'
Moving out was the best thing for me. It allowed me to set boundaries and maybe they realised their son has a responsibility. Just be prepared for the guilt tripping. Unfortunatley some mothers will never think any girl is suitable for their sons. I really dont get that mentality.
Move out, but see if you can do it on good terms with your MIL. I know it sounds difficult, but you have been married for only 10 months, you are just starting your married life - you dont want to start it on a wrong foot.
Instead of reacting to any situation, give yourself a target of moving out by December 2016 (just an example). Make a decision about it and get your hubbies commitment. Now that you have a confined timeline in your mind, use the rest of the remaining time to bridge the gaps with your MIL. try to understand your hubby's intentions. His intention is not to confine you and your MIL in the same room, all the times. His intention is to have you develop good relationship with his mother. You take charge of that goal, and instead of blindly following his orders and be frustrated about it, figure it out yourself how you can achieve that goal.
Can your MIL take care of herself and her brother? Who else lives there? Are you guys living with them to support them? If not, why don't you have your own place? Sounds like she is making it hard for you because she doesn't want you living there. It took me years to feel at home with my inlaws and they are as nice as one can be. It is difficult sharing house with people you haven't grown up with and it is worse when there is a huge difference in mentality. She is probably not evil, both of you are having a hard time adjusting.
I'm glad you got out, honestly I can't deal with his mother and her guilt trips anymore. i feel so trapped because the made a loft conversion for when we got married but she's alos told me to get out three times and take my husband with Me. At that point I told her she didn't need to tell me twice and I was going. I went upstairs and calmed down only because if I didn't want to make my husband choose. It's not the way I want to leave here but she just pushes me all the time.
I wish we could move out soon but we cant afford it. We have spoken about me moving back with my parents until we have enough but I don't see that as a solution, it will cause problems between him and his parents, and we need to out in a united front. I just don't know how I can do it anymore.
I do understand where is coming from, but we literally have nothing in common. She talks about people's families and daughter in laws and there's always a connotation in there which she's referring to me about. Almost like trying to set an expectation it's just so suffocating. It's not to say that I haven't tried I just cannot stand her anymore. I don't make any plans in my day off incase it offends her, go with her wherever I can sit with her when I can but it turns into me nursingher emotions. It takes its toll on me.
shes not a bad person, she just wants everything her own way
She does want us there as she thinks living in a whole family looks good. And she will be lonely without us as she doesn't spek to her husband. She can take care of her and her brother I don't have much involvement in his care, my husband does have more.
i can understand it's hard adjusting to having another girl in the house, but she doesn't wat anything to change. I get the impression they just want me to slot into place and they don't care about what I want.
Im nervous about mentioning a family function on my side to her as she made a big drama that I didn't ask her the right way before.
Sh moans that I don't use the downstairs bathroom but my ensuite, (that's the level of pettiness) but doesn't consider that what I'm happy doing. - just an example of how watchful she is of me, with no consideratiin for my comfort, just want me to use all rooms in the house, which suggest she just wants me to be comfortable - but on her terms. And I'm never going to feel comfortable if I know shep noting th tiniest things like where I go toilet and had a problem with it. I've got anxiety since living here cos Im thinking about everything all the time- again just an example that I have to think about which toilet I use to ensure not offending her
Why did you guys get married if you couldn't afford to live on your own? That's a HUGE mistake and clearly you are paying for it. She is obviously taking advantage of the fact that you guys are helpless. Honestly, I have no advice for you but to wait. Unfortunately, her home her rules. That's just the way it is and some people abuse it to retain control. I would rather live in a tiny space than under someone like that even if that meant giving up comfort.
Why did you guys get married if you couldn't afford to live on your own? That's a HUGE mistake and clearly you are paying for it. She is obviously taking advantage of the fact that you guys are helpless. Honestly, I have no advice for you but to wait. Unfortunately, her home her rules. That's just the way it is and some people abuse it to retain control. I would rather live in a tiny space than under someone like that even if that meant giving up comfort.
Youre right, I've thought that all along but my husband doesn't see that she's abusing her position.
Well I'm fairly Young only 24 so don't have massive Savings neither does my husband. I honestly was one of those girls that didn't mind living with in laws and that's why we got married. That and the fact that when his mum found out about us she put huge pressure on to get us married.
I have two options, wait or go home until we got enough money n can be together!
Silent treatment is something I still get from my MIL even though I've been married almost a year and a half and have a baby. I personally think with Inlaws it's important to set rules and boundaries that everyone follows and that everyone should be aware of one another's privacy and to live together happily as a family, who are happy for and with one another, not being forced just to show the world we live in an extended family. After numerous arguments and fallouts I'm really looking forward to moving out. Explain to your husband that if he isn't forced to sit with your mum and entertain her why should you be? Especially if you say she hasn't made an effort to get to know the real you as you would with a daughter. It's not fair that you are married to one another but you have to focus on keeping other people happy and have them as part of your marriage when you don't feel them including you or making you happy. Hopefully your husband will see how suffocated your feeling and decide to make the move soon!
Also, it may be worthwhile going to your mums more often so your husband realises he has a Life with you and what his life is without you. If you really can't live there then maybe do that until he and you get some money together for a small deposit or something. I do agree that when living under somebody's roof you have to follow their rules, it's just the way things are. If you don't agree or can't change them then it's best to move. After all there can only be on queen (in your case your mil) of every house! Hope this helps xx
Also, it may be worthwhile going to your mums more often so your husband realises he has a Life with you and what his life is without you. If you really can't live there then maybe do that until he and you get some money together for a small deposit or something. I do agree that when living under somebody's roof you have to follow their rules, it's just the way things are. If you don't agree or can't change them then it's best to move. After all there can only be on queen (in your case your mil) of every house! Hope this helps xx
how do you cope with your in laws and a baby. The worst thing I think I could do is get pregnant. I see my life as on hold until we move out and I can't think of anything else but this. It's starting to consume me.
There was an argument the other day where she wante to speak to my husband and I. She spoke to him for 45 mins, I got spoken to for 3 hours about how I have a lot to learn, that my husband doesn't call her anymore and before marriage be used to always check on her. I argued back to begin wih but she would talk over me so for the last 2 hours I just sat there and let her talk at me. It easier that way, n by letting her think she's won at least I know she will be okay with me the next day. She had som valid points too- credit where it's due.
i came away from it feeling like I needed to burst with the level of pressure and expectations she set for me. My husband asked if I was okay and I felt numb, like I didn't want to even be near him. After an hour I told him how I felt. We argued, we sorted it out. The next day I woke up feeling like ****, I called my mum and burst in to tears so she called my husband saying to him that whatever was said has really upset me and she has told him before to look after me. She said if it continues she will intervene and I won't have a choice in the matter, she will take me and I can join him when he has a place of his own.
He didn't like that and said to me that he's pulled apart by everyone. Which I can see, but I think he realises that he cannot have us all under one roof. He says he will go but the thouhgt that we could be here another year yet makes me so sad.
She just has backward views like the daughter in law should take care of everyone's needs and if anyone's sad it's my job to make sure they are all happy, sort out the arguements and intervene if someone is Shouting at her. funny thing is she keeps pointing out that it's a live marriage and she had no obligation to tell me their family dynamics before I lived there i.e that her and her husband don't talk etc. but it's my responsibility to sort it out. If it's a live marriage why do I owe her or her family anything?
becayse of it being a love marriage she says that she won't take responsibility for anything bad happening between my husband and I. Funny that when we argue its over her.
Ive had enough of her she's so contradicting, she's left me more upset than before. I actually hate her. because if her I have considered leaving my husband, because then she can have her son back and they can get on with how things were before me if it was all so perfect.
and just regarding your advice about going to mums more- she will again have a problem with that. She likes that I go my mums once a week for an hour or two when she's at work. Behind my back she will say all sorts about how what was the point getting married if Im just going to stay at my mums etc etc I just feel stuck.
Thanks for your replies guys it's a huge comfort to know I'm not the only one going through it.
Its very unfortunate you are going through so much. May Allah help you and your husband. This surely is difficult time for him too. My suggestion would be to...find some job or hobby..or something..that keeps you out of your mil sight. And since you have baby coming too...as much as you are stressed...your husband must be stressed out as well. Both of you are one. Remember. Both of you sit down...talk about finances. Yes finances!. Talk about how can you both save some cash for now. Start from there. And since you will be busy..your mil wouldnt interfere in your lives. When you live in joint family..try to be more independent. Helps alot..everyway possible...
She just has backward views like the daughter in law should take care of everyone's needs and if anyone's sad it's my job to make sure they are all happy, sort out the arguements and intervene if someone is Shouting at her. funny thing is she keeps pointing out that it's a live marriage and she had no obligation to tell me their family dynamics before I lived there i.e that her and her husband don't talk etc. but it's my responsibility to sort it out. .
This is a huge problem imo.. I have relatives and friends whose parents are in a similar situation.. What I've noticed is that instead of attempting to resolve the issue (or separate) the mothers simply divert their attention to their sons.. I kinda feel the standard advice people give when wife and husband are having problems or not getting on in our culture (put all your focus on the kids instead) contributes to this craziness.. If you're happy and satisfied in your own marriage you probably wouldn't feel the need to interfere THAT much in your kids and their partners lives..
Yes I agree, now she has patched things up with her husband a bit and seems to be okay with us. I over heard her talking to her daughter few weeks back that husband isn't changing and that it's not an environment where we can bring up children because of the atmosphere. Yet she had the cheek to say to me before that because she and her husband don't argue infront of us it shouldn't affect me or my husband and I have no right to say I should have been told about their relationship before marriage. But to her daughter she acknowledges that there is an atmosphere n children can't be bought up in it. It's a flipping joke. She was also saying that if her husband doesn't change that her "ghar" gets ruined. Think she was referring to the fact that my husband and I would move out to have a family. Over hearing that made me so angry.
Fastforward a month and it was rakhriyan, day before her daughter was round and they called me into the room. MIL asked what time I would be going to my brothers. I said as soon as my SIL goes. She said that's a good reply. And then said okay when you go to see your brother you will wear a suit. She was laughing saying it but I knew she was serious. I refused in an equally laughing way and she got more loud asking why. I explained that there was not a need to as my parents wouldn't expect me to come in a suit and if I was going to their relatives then I would. SIL was sitting there and asking why why so I got assy with her and said no. MIL started comparing me to other daughter in laws in her family and then said to me that her and my FIL are lenient with me let me come and go as I please and don't say anything to me!! As if I'm a child!! She then didn't speak to me for a week and would ignore me Infront of my FIL SIL and husband. My husband could see this but didn't address it which is fine. Fast forward another month and she sent my husband and I to Dubai for our first anniversary. It's s nice thought but naturally I was reluctant to go because of the way she is. Since we been back she's been okay. I think she missed us. But I can't help thinking maybe she isn't too bad and can't be that selfish if she's sent us on holiday. But I don't feel comfortable like I know she will throw it in my face the next time she's angry with me. Also feel like she did it for her son more than me I just feel torn, one min she's being a cow not talking to me over wearing English clothes the next she's sending me Dubai. One min she's making my life hell the next she's okay. I can't work her out. I defo think she wants everything her own way and also she shows off a lot so she will now tell everyone loudly that she sent us Dubai. She has high standards so something she gives is always extravagant. I can't help but think she's buying us. I don't know. Meanwhile, I don't trust my husband to make things okay anymore. I know it's hard for him too and he can't do much but he knows something's upsetting me and stopping me feeling myself he just avoids talking about it. He's done this for a year and I just think he can't possibly care about me if he can see me declining and he doesn't make the effort to sit me down and talk. I feel like it's easier for him that I'm upset rather than his mother because I don't make it eceryone else's problem. I guess I've lost faith in him.
This is a huge problem imo.. I have relatives and friends whose parents are in a similar situation.. What I've noticed is that instead of attempting to resolve the issue (or separate) the mothers simply divert their attention to their sons.. I kinda feel the standard advice people give when wife and husband are having problems or not getting on in our culture (put all your focus on the kids instead) contributes to this craziness.. If you're happy and satisfied in your own marriage you probably wouldn't feel the need to interfere THAT much in your kids and their partners lives..
Every family is different. Some mother's don't enforce stuff on their kids, like what clothes to wear, and others do. You can't expect her to conform to what you are used to. If you want to foster a good atmosphere, it wouldn't kill you to go along with her suggestions. By declining, you are turning it into a power struggle which is just unnecessary over trivial things.
As for her doing this primarily for her son, I'm afraid that's just the way things are in the majority of families. I think that rather than focus on what her motives might be, you should be grateful you got to go away.
I'm sure it's a multifaceted situation but you can try to improve the things under your control by adjusting yourself to what pleases her within reason, because this shows you care about her thoughts and opinions and will build trust of which it seems is there is none.
I didn't give in and wear the suit because I do enough to make her happy but it never gets taken into account. My mum lives literally 6 mins away by car, I don't go to see her for more than and hour a week because my MIL doesn't like it. I make excuses when mum asks to do things with me, because I don't want to upset my MIL. I go to see my mum whilst MIL is at work, make sure I've done everything I need to at "home" beforehand. I then make sure I'm back at least and hour before MIL is because I can't settle at my mums close to my MIL finishing time. My MIL gloats to others about how little I go to my parents, great for her but hard for my mum and I. It's affected our relationship. Yet her daughter comes in as she pleases, nobody to answer to, attends all our "family" outings and my MIL ahead indirectly told me my parents won't be at the birth of my children when I have them. Yet she practically delivered her daughters son and he's around so much he has his own room. Benefits of her daughter having her own house hey.
I go to all family functions even though my husband does not, he isn't even encouraged to come now that he's married. I went some 4-6 hours away to a wedding with just my MIL FIL and I, without my husband again to please them. Sit with her every night and go to sleep when she does because even after a year in not comfortable to go to sleep when I want without offending. So that's why I didn't give in to wearing a suit- because I've given into enough for the sake of family peace. I've come across messages on my husbands phone of her slagging me off to him, yet I don't say anything and pretend I haven't seen them. I say nothing to her when she's ignoring me Infront of my family- and act like she hasn't done it. For the sake of family. There's has to be a point where I put my foot down and I thought she doesn't need to send me to my parents with her stamp on me that's why I reFused. Because she waNted me to go as her DIL in a suit, not as my brothers sister, in English outfit as I am.
Also the double standards I listen to, e.g I was taking my dad to a hospital appointment and told my MIL the day before about it. Instead of saying yes take him, he's your father. Hope he's okay, she said " your parents are lucky really that you're close by ( as if I go to see them regularly) that they can call on you nOw that you're married. Otherwise what other parents can call on their married daughter. Your mum should have learnt how to drive instead of burdening you.l, because now you have to do all the running around" yet MIL had her own mother in her house and her husband looking after her. And MIL drops her disabled brother to her own daughters, "burdening" her, whilst MIL goes away. Again benefits of daughter having own house. It's all double standards and bul****.
I don't think you do yourself any favours.
Every family is different. Some mother's don't enforce stuff on their kids, like what clothes to wear, and others do. You can't expect her to conform to what you are used to. If you want to foster a good atmosphere, it wouldn't kill you to go along with her suggestions. By declining, you are turning it into a power struggle which is just unnecessary over trivial things.
As for her doing this primarily for her son, I'm afraid that's just the way things are in the majority of families. I think that rather than focus on what her motives might be, you should be grateful you got to go away.
I'm sure it's a multifaceted situation but you can try to improve the things under your control by adjusting yourself to what pleases her within reason, because this shows you care about her thoughts and opinions and will build trust of which it seems is there is none.