Moving on

Lifestyle Relationships
1

I originally posted my dilemma with my marriage almost 1.5 years ago. I tried working on it but in the end it didn't work and we separated and will file for divorce. I had a lot of issues and still have some, as I will explain shortly. I conquered the majority of my health, legal, financial, academic and mental health issues. I still have some lingering physical health issues that I am continuing to work on but my main issues seem to stem from my past that is affecting my mental health.

I had a very bad past and it wasn't because of any external factors, I made poor choices, and I am the blame for it. Due to this I had and continue to have a bad reputation wherever I go. Our community is not that large, everyone seems to know everyone in N. America. The six-degree of separation applies to me to the tee. Wherever I had moved to it seems people know someone where I used to live and they judge me. It does not matter how I have changed and am different I still get judged. Maybe what I did (which I don't want to disclose) was so horrid but it was nothing criminal but rather a poor choice and I was relatively young in my upper teens.

Imagine meeting new people and they are nice to you and then when you see them again they give you the cold shoulder and ignore you as if you are scum. That happens to me with every Desi person I meet. It has taken a toll on my mental and physical health and was a small factor in my marriage falling apart. And if that isn't icing on the cake, I also have issues with my own members of my family doing the same. Couple all these issues with the fact that my parents are struggling financial and health wise and I am the only one that will carry on the family name, is not only added pressure, I really do feel like a failure.

I contemplate if moving away will really help...I've done it once and the only way I see that I can truly and genuinely change from my past is to create a new persona and identity but accept my past and move on. Finding a partner here will be hard when or if they hear about my past. I can't bear knowing that if I find a possible suitor and then when they find out what I did they turn their back. I know I should be with someone who accepts me for who I am. I feel as if I am a good person now...I am healthy now for the most part and will be in a few months, I am financially stable, I am educated, but I do have baggage, who doesn't but I am working on having it all corrected in the next few months.

I'm sorry if this post was long, but I guess my question would be how would you repair your reputation and move on from your past when everywhere you go your past follows you even if it has been a decade or so since the issue happened. I've read forum posts where people who end up in divorce, the family spreads rumors and lies that makes it impossible to find another suitor especially if you live in an area where everyone knows each other.

Question:
1) How to repair reputation and move on
2) How to handle defeat in the sense when someone you fall for abandons you because of your reputation and/or past
3) What qualities should one have to find a soulmate
4) Divorce is said to be a stigma or stamp; is that really true
5) Is it ok to change identity and move on (ie: name) I dont want my past to follow me but I would disclose that to a potential suitor

2

Are you sure about everyone knowing everyone in N. America? You say you have only moved once, that does not justify the above conclusion. I live in north America, albeit in a very small (8-10) families spread out over a few cities area and idk anyone from any other area. Perhaps, move to a place like that.

3

I think you still have lots more work to do on yourself. You have not completely healed, forgiven yourself and truly moved on. Had you done that you would have been content with yourself, at ease in your life and people’s judgment of you would not have bothered you so much.

I am going to try answering some of your proposed questions below:

Question:
*1) How to repair reputation and move on *

Our reputation is how people label us or consider us. To have a better reputation you do good for others, become a better and more valued part of the community and strive to be the best version of yourself. By repeatedly doing good acts you feel better about yourself and others will notice and often times the good we do, people remember. This allows them to see us in a positive light.

You move on by forgiving yourself. Letting the past stay in its place, learning from our mistakes and not replaying the events in our head. We move on by speaking good words about ourselves and not consistently blaming ourselves. We move on by working on creating a new future. A new version of us that is completely healed, whole and proud of ourselves. We move on by thinking more of whats to come and far less about what has passed.

2) How to handle defeat in the sense when someone you fall for abandons you because of your reputation and/or past

Understand that the person who left you for who you were instead of who you are today does not have an appreciation for you and will never value nor love you the way you deserve to be treated and its a blessing they left. They were not additive to your life and because life is short and valuable you only deserve to be around those who uplift you and recognize and appreciate you for your now and future not your past.

3) What qualities should one have to find a soulmate

There’s lots of qualities you need to find a ‘soulmate’. Being honest, respectful, etc. There’s tons of threads and resources on this so I won’t go into too much detail but I’ve found that the more work you do on yourself the better the person you will attract into your life.

4) Divorce is said to be a stigma or stamp; is that really true
Maybe… but the society we live in will always have stigmas. Some people think having cancer may be a stigma. Not being able to conceive is a stigma. Being poor has stigmas. So learn to live your life without fears of others and societal developed ‘stigmas’. That will help you live a more fulfilled.

5) Is it ok to change identity and move on (ie: name) I dont want my past to follow me but I would disclose that to a potential suitor

If the idea is to change your identity so people will not recognize you then that’s only a temporary fix to a larger problem. The person you get married to should like you for who you are because they should be mature enough to understand that we are not all perfect. Everyone comes with problems, baggage, things they need to improve about themselves, etc. Some have more than others.

Also, I don’t want to come across as rude but you place a strong emphasis on finding a suitor/potential spouse yet you are not even divorced yet. I would suggest spending some time to heal from your previous marriage, learn from the experience and learn to spend time with yourself and be happy with who you are. Marriage will not solve your problems. You need to learn to be a happy, healthy person first before you join in union with someone. Often times people are not ready to get married and then do so because they think that will help them feel good about themselves or solve their problems and when marriage or the person you are with is not solving your problems, we get upset.

Good luck and we wish you well in the future.

4

  1. You repair your reputation by consistently behaving in a manner that is contradictory to what is said about you. For instance, let’s say that you’ve developed a reputation for being rude and irresponsible. If you consistently behave in a way that reflects courtesy, consideration for others, organization, and dependability/reliability, you can bring about a positive transformation in your image. I don’t know what you’ve done in your past for which you still feel haunted by to this day. But sometimes we may hurt someone only once but in such a way that it mars their perception of us and that person may never allow us to fully recover from that because maybe they haven’t completely forgiven us or their trust in us has been dented. If this applies to you, you have to understand that you can’t control the other person’s views. Apart from apologizing and making amends (if possible), the only other thing you can do is to give them your best when you interact with them. But you can’t make that person/s judgment the center of your life; you have to move on because there is more to life than that. Also, if you are informing people about your past mistakes or about your weak points, then that could also be hindering your reputation. Some people are very shrewd and they will pounce upon any insecurities that you reveal about yourself. With that said, exercise some caution in how much you share with others about your life. Lastly, it can be helpful for us to review our words, body language, and actions to figure out where we may have done something that could have turned the other person off…and in doing so…perhaps you’ll recognize a pattern that could possibly be the culprit.

  2. You have said that this past mistake was not a criminal one. Is it something that follows you around as part of your employment record or any sort of official documentation? Do you think that your past mistake was something that would have a strong bearing on the life of the woman you’ll marry? If not, then maybe it doesn’t need to be revealed. Or…if you feel that is absolutely has to be revealed…and the other person rejects you for it, then they weren’t the right person for you. Who hasn’t seen defeat in life? You will inshaAllah come across someone for whom your perceived insecurities and past mistakes are not such a big deal and she doesn’t have to be Desi; you can consider marrying a Muslim woman from a different cultural background, one that is typically more accepting.

  3. I believe everyone has their own preferences for what they want in a mate. I also feel that chemistry is a strange and complex matter. Sometimes you can meet someone who seems to have it all and who possesses a good many of the qualities you’ve always wanted, but for some reason you just don’t feel an attraction or connection toward them. Typically people ask, “What qualities do YOU look for in a soulmate?” It has a more assertive tone to it, even if it’s an indirect/sneaky way for the asker to assess whether or not they possess the qualities that people/responders have listed. You have posed the question in an insecure way that reads like…you’re trying to figure out if you’re even worthy of searching for a soulmate. You’ve worded it in a way that puts you down, in a way that reflects weakness and not assertiveness. And if you were not aware of this, then it’s possible that the lack of confidence may be seeping through your body language, in your words and hindering you; it’s a very subconscious thing.

  4. It’s not only divorce that can be like a stamp. Even if one is single…has never been married…their singleness is a STAMP for people. They question, “Hmm…there must be something wrong with you if you are still single?”…or they’ll word it in a more kinder way that is still charged with the same doubt or accusation…“Why is someone like you still single?” Everything about us can function as a STAMP. Our ethnicity, our religious beliefs (or lack thereof), our degrees, our careers, they way we dress, our homes, the car we drive, the food we eat, our physique, etc etc…people can use all these things as a STAMP to form character judgments about us. You are getting a divorce and it was a mutual decision. Now work on moving forward. The right woman will accept you with all the stamps that you come with.

  5. As adventurous as it sounds to move to a new location and change your name, what purpose will it serve if you’re eventually going to tell your future wife about it? Once you tell her that your real name is…So n’ So…she’s gonna wonder what else you’ve concealed from her. She will eventually visit your hometown and meet your family and come to know about the things you’re so conscious of. I think it’s better if you maintain honesty from the beginning.

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5

I appreciate everyone’s reply and as Redvelvet may know, I have gone through and posted a copious amount of forums regarding various personal issues. I think at this point in my life I have to reevaluate what I want and need. Its hard facing a slew of people everyday who just constantly judge you and I know I should not take it to heart but easier said than done. I’ve decided to move but changing names, identity etc. is honestly not a good idea because as stated your past always catches up and I do not plan on living the “Catch Me If You Can” life.

Thanks again and these forums have been a tremendous help. I haven’t really focused on making friends or become close with family because of my past mistakes and that has caught up to me being lonely and having my life in a whirlwind. I control my destiny and I plan on doing that.

I wish I could share my past in detail with someone on her privately and perhaps they can give me their 2 cents?

6

“Friends” will be “friends” but don’t you have someone in your family that you can talk to in private?

I can understand if you can’t since I come from a desi family as well which has some interesting dynamics.

7

We always try to make people like us and be happy…but its hard..
focus on God and people will follow.. Keep your intentions clean and leave the rest.

8

I keep wondering what acts or behaviors make someone less accepting? Would it be if someone committed a major crime, ie rape, murder, terrorism, etc., was a liar, catfish? What qualities or acts must have someone done for them to be outcast from society? Can people really change or are they cemented in their ways once they commit these acts and at what point can someone really say they’ve changed?

9

Are you a sex offender? You may never be accepted by society, just move to alaska and buy an igloo, marry an eskimo and start a new life.

10

No I’m not a sex offender nor have I committed any crime(s), I was just curious of which elements or acts isolates an individual. I feel I never changed my mentality and that caused me to be the same individual with those flawed characteristics, however, now I am realizing that change is imminent and required because if I don’t I’ll be headed to certain death with the slew of issues I am carrying.

11

Ok I’m not aware of your entire scenario. And i’ve just barely skimmed your initial post. So pardon me if I’m not covering any specific part of your life.

For the question, how do you repair your reputation. Let me tell you, everybody commits mistakes. We all are human. And it has nothing to do with culture. All you need to do is to come back and be the rightful person that everyone of us is supposed to be. And do it by heart. Good things will automatically start happening.
For any sake of reputation, you must get very tightly connected or bonded with the community, be it desi or non-desi. Volunteer as much as you can. Help others wherever possible and whoever he/she is.

And for goodness sake, dont mind me saying this but dont fake it. Do it with full sincerity regardless anyone is watching or no. As said, something good will happen itself and your reputation will be amended as well.

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12

It would be impossible to offer good advice without knowing what it is that you did exactly that youre so ashamed of & people hate you for that? People love to gossip, make assumptions, fabricate stories based on assumptions because they love to talk gossip. But the fact that you are also ashamed of that something you did & want to hide means there’s is some facts behind people’s gossips. So unless we know what exactly that ‘baggage’ is, impossible to advise. Were you too bad / cruel towards your ex?

If what you did is not something too serious but peoples gossips & made up stories have made it look terrible & you like a terribly bad person then don’t worry about people. Good, educated people & communities don’t do that so don’t worry about what jaahils think or do & live your life stress free. Think of prophet Yusuf who was sent to prison for 20 years based on wrong accusation. He did not lose hope & was granted kingdom. That’s how Allah rewards His good people. Don’t worry about the demons in human form working to mess up your life. If your relationship with God is strong, He will protect you & your life from those demons that work on Satan’s orders. And most humans these days are brain washed zombies & demons. I think useless to worry about them. So stop worrying.

yeah but if you really did something shameful in your past then maybe speak with a counsellor or something.

13

Where I live gossip unfortunately spreads like wildfire because the community here is not that large, so even if I attempt to repair my reputation I know it will be a massive undertaking because the damage is already done and quite honestly I’d rather not spend time on fixing it in the community I am in but rather start fresh somewhere else but at the same time accepting I did make mistakes in the past. I am not denying or hiding my past, I have accepted it; I just do not feel comfortable sharing it. I am also not denying the “rumors” being spread about me as being falsely based; they are true because I did those actions but they were so long ago (5yrs) that I should not have to suffer.

I have finally found solace that there is more to life and I cannot let others get me down. Last week I was in a scenario where it hit me like a ton of bricks…I only have a limited time left on this planet. Rather than wasting time identifying why people do not like me I just have to accept the reality and move on. I feel like I do have potential to be a good person and I have made vast changes in myself but have more to do.

14

Yesterday was tough for me. Everything this past week has snowballed out of control. I lost my job, having major financial and health issues now, issues with my marriage or soon to be divorce, and on top of that my other baggage I was already dealing with (health, social life, finances, legal (divorce and speeding ticket), quality of life). To top it ALL off my parents are relying on me now more than ever to contribute more in helping them out. I just don’t know how to deal with all this. I KNOW people on this forum and in the world have so much stress and issues but there is a limit. I was so strong and motivated, now I really am hopeless. I would NEVER think of harming myself, the thought never crossed my mind, nor am I one to escape my problems; I want to face them head on. I just need practical advice on how to deal with all these issues. I was starting fresh but now I feel I am back in the bottom of the barrel.

Sorry for all those people I am annoying on here…I know I am textbook definition of a broken record. I have no one to turn to and honestly this is probably the lowest point in my life; I can’t fathom it getting any worse.

15

People get terminated from CEO and other executive positions at work and eventually find another place of employment. Losing a job and getting another is no doubt an uncomfortable situation to be in, but it’s happening across the world. So, you are not alone in that regard. You update and bolster your resume and put yourself out there. Our rizq is one of those things that has already been predestined. When you lose your job (for whatever reason)…it means that your sustenance/rizq term from that particular job has ended and Allah has another means or source for you. Keep this in mind and continue the job search. And if there were any persistent mistakes on your part which you feel that may have contributed to the loss of a job, then do your best to avoid them in your next place of employment.

Maybe your parents are not aware of how stressed you are. Sit them down and talk to them gently and request them to be patient. Just talk to them; sometimes our own family members need to hear exactly how we feel in order for things to change. Meanwhile, help parents out financially as much as is feasible. And you can help your parents in “other” ways as well…sit with them, run errands for them, offer emotional support, etc.

The speeding ticket is not something to dwell on. It happens to the best of us and it’s over and done with. If you have a fine to pay, then you suck it up and pay it. If you have an online traffic course to take…you do it. Your focus with this should not be “why” “why” “how”..“why me and only me?” (it’s not only you…it doesn’t happen only to you). You focus should be on what needs to get done now.

Divorces and legal battles tend to be messy. You have to ride it out and get done whatever it is that is required of you and a day will come when even the legal hassles will come to an end. Allah switches up the days among us. Some days/weeks will be easier…some will be harder…and then you return to ease again…and that’s just life. . Right now you can’t wait for the divorce case to be done. But when you’re single, you then have to go through the hassle of finding a spouse. That’s life..,every stage has its challenges and its silver lining. We’re all riding it out, no one is immune to it.

Make a list of all the things that you need to get done. Sometimes we need to see our plans/thoughts in writing. Take the big/huge tasks and break them up into smaller, easier tasks. Check them off as you complete them. Once you get a couple of tasks completed, you’ll feel more relaxed and it will bring about a feeling of confidence that will help you get the next few steps done…so on and so forth.

16

I have not seen anyone in life who has never faced any challenge in life at one phase or the other. It could be one at a time or more than one at one time. What you describe sure seems more challenging than most but saying that you have no one to turn to is a sign of weak faith. I think that most likely is also the cause of your problems - a weak faith. If you’re a Muslim then think again.

17

What happened yesterday in NZ was horrifying. I traveled to NZ/Australia in 2016 and I went to one of the mosques; I had met one of the congregants that died yesterday. May Allah give them sustenance and paradise. You all may not know it but I rely heavily on the people within this forum/thread. It gets me by when my days are darkest. Situations like these give me pause and make me realize even with all the BS going on in my life, I could have been a victim in any sort of tragedy.

I don’t want to undermine the situation but I got a call today for a dream job I applied to 2 months ago and a while after that I got a call for another job I interviewed for a while back and got an offer for (one of the big 4 investment firms). I am feeling much better now and I have all you to thank; thank you for praying for me and giving me solace and advice. I know it is corny to rely on people you don’t know but I can’t share my issues with people closest to me because I never had trust. I will also make a special prayer for you all for whatever challenges you are facing. May Allah give us all strength and guidance.

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