Mother's day (mother in law)

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: Mother's day (mother in law)

Wow. Although I should stop being surprised when piss poor advice is given on here.

These are all the ones talking who have absolutely NO IDEA what it means to establish relationships. It's like oh yeah when the paper is signed then you should give gift. What kind of advice is that? Worst advice.

OP, this is the new start of a new relationship. I would discuss with your fiance and ask him the significance of mother's day in his family, if any. Seriously, just a cake or flowers would be enough. You arent trying to buy anyone's love. And maybe if you can show the MIL that you think of her that much, then your life with her will be great before it even begins. She will think of you as being a kind and thoughtful person.

These gestures arent costly and yes the asshats of society may call you a suck up. Who cares, let them.

Trust me, the stuff you see on here is shameless, disgusting, ass kissing. Sending your to be MIL a small token is not ass kissing. It's building relationships. These gestures go a long way. But I'd ask fiance first the significance of mothers day in his household.

Ladies who give this type of advice, please stop. You damage relationships.

22

Re: Mother's day (mother in law)

Cough, I don't mean to be rude but the reason I stated that it may seem odd for her to send her mother-in-law something out of the blue is that she has admitted that she does not have an intimate relationship with her mother-in-law (note, I said mother-in-law, not future mother-in-law). She mentioned that she only spoke to her about twice and does not often interact with her. This is why I suggested she send something to her mother-in-law along with whatever her fiance sends. With all due respect, it is not that difficult to read between the lines. Obviously, she should ask her fiance how their family handles Mother's Day and take note of that and then proceed.

Also, let's be realistic here. The OP and her fiance met independently and were dating prior and only involved their families when things became serious. Let's not pretend that the OP has such a close, established relationship with her mother-in-law. Some people may (key word here is "may") find such a gesture odd.

As far as advice goes, the impetus is not on the person giving the advice but on the person asking for it. It is up to them to evaluate the advice given and decide whether it is appropriate to their situation, which only the asker knows. The OP is a medical student, so she is clearly not an idiot. I'm sure she can ask her fiance and decide whether the advice given is appropriate and figure out what would be best.

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Re: Mother's day (mother in law)

Mezhgan Jaan, I don't mean to be rude either but not every post is in response to yours.

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Re: Mother's day (mother in law)

Scherbatsky Jaan, he quoted my post. Hence, I responded to it and felt the need to explain what I meant.

25

Re: Mother's day (mother in law)

You aren't rude at all Mezh!

Thank you for replying so politely.

I completely understand where you're coming from however I find moments like these are opportunities. We can build new relationships with them, or even use them to mend old ones.

The idea of NOT sending anything was, as scherbatsky put it well, pretty eerie. Wouldnt you want to make use of any opportunity you can to better your relationship? All your relationships? The obvious answer would seem yes.

In a moment like this where the relationship is still developing I'd urge op to make use of any opportunity that is presented to her. You don't have to indulge in extravagant displays.

What I STRONGLY disagree with is people saying you arent married yet so theres no need to give any gifts or anything. This kinda mentality is childish, snobbish, and damaging.

26

Re: Mother's day (mother in law)

Dude, what do we know, we don't have the experience, etc.

27

Re: Mother's day (mother in law)

Everyone here is giving advice according to what they would do in a similar situation. what makes you think I have no idea how to establish a relationship? I have personally seen such gestures being taken the wrong way by MILs. alot of times, such gestures are taken as 'fake' , especially if the girl isn't really close to the MIL to begin with. not sending a gift on mothers day is in no way damaging a relationship, please get a grip.
the OP asked here for advise and obviously everyone is going to give different ones based on what they have experienced. you may have experienced something else with your inlaws but some of us have experienced and seen different behaviors.

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Re: Mother's day (mother in law)

I know right.

It doesnt matter if some of the experienced people give advice that is nothing more than a steaming hot pile of ****. It's valid advice.

But oooo if an inexperienced person can give good advice, it's looked down upon.

Here's some valid advice; smart people learn from their mistakes, smarter ones learn from the mistakes of others. Being the former is good, but latter is better.

29

Re: Mother's day (mother in law)

No answer to my question still.

Will she be calling her MIL ammi/mom??

30

Re: Mother's day (mother in law)

i never said dont give advice. I'm just saying it's bad advice. Like horrible.

If such gestures are taken the wrong way by MILs, then those MILs have no interest in developing a good bond with their DILs. That doesnt mean DILs shouldnt try. No one is born close, these things must develop and all it takes is one person to start. I don't know why I'm having to say stuff a minor understands. Are you people that thick?

As for giving the op advice, yes you all have your experiences and it seems like you've all made some pretty bad decisions (not just this thread) but that doesnt mean you people give advice to the OP based on your own mistakes. That's what seems to be the trend here.

So please get a grip, instead of asking for more details, you oh so wise ladies were like 'nah dont send it. it MAY be taken bad'.
You call that advice? Not doing something because oh man something bad MAY happen?

That's cowardice.

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Re: Mother's day (mother in law)

Unless you gave birth to a baby; you ain't qualified to utter a word.

32

Re: Mother's day (mother in law)

what makes you think we have made bad decisions? Everyone has been through different experiences. your advise may seem very poor to those who have had different experience.

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Re: Mother's day (mother in law)

My assumption is based on my observations.

34

Re: Mother's day (mother in law)

And thats true for all of us here. so i think it would be nice to show some respect to everyone elses opinion too, while stating your own.

35

But why wouldn't you want to advise the op in a way that may potentially benefit her?
You and your comrades have thus far only managed to tell the op THIS IS WHAT CAN GO WRONG.
Rather than provide a good balanced argument, youve only provided the cons of showing affection to the MIL, and didnt even mention that there may be positives to sending her a gift. Thats what irked me.

You guys didnt give a good, balanced opinion at all. All actions have cons and pros. If you guys were able to explain the pros of sending the mil a gift, as well as the cons, I wouldnt be talking.

36

Re: Mother's day (mother in law)

Rather than giving the OP advice in black and white in terms of what she should or should not do, wouldn't a better idea be to suggest that she ask her fiance (after all, she is his mother and he knows best how she would react) how they handle Mother's Day in their family and talk to her mother-in-law a bit more and see what she would like? After all, I'm sure her fiance knows his mother better than we do.

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Re: Mother's day (mother in law)

I understand what you mean actually.
But unfortunately, sometimes women think in a different and very complex convoluted ways. a gift sometimes is not just a gift to women, especially to potenital MILs. anyway, im sure OP will decide this based on what her fiance thinks as well. and if in their families this is the norm, then im sure it may even be a good idea to give a gift. but the reason she even asked here is because she must not be sure how her inlaws will react to certain gestures. I have personally heard a MIL saying things about her future DIL sending her gift as "abhi se makhan lagana shoroo kar dya". but again, yes everyone thinks differently and maybe her MIL wont react like that. but for me, i would rather just stay safe and not bother with something which is not necessary.

38

Oh I totally get the woman MAY be crazy part. But that shouldn't be enough to stop from at least trying to reach out.

But yes the MIL may or may not see it as ass kissing. Regardless, to consider both scenarios would be wise.

39

Re: Mother's day (mother in law)

I think it's a great idea. You can send her something small like flowers/chocolate and I'm sure she'll appreciate it a lot :) I think it's a nice gesture. Now having said that perhaps you could also ask your husband-to-be what his take is on it. In some families, mother's day is not really celebrated however you can't go wrong with flowers and chocolate. And while we're here, do it because you want to do it, don't do it because you feel obligated to do it and most certainly don't do it to score goodie points because you may not score them and that may lead to some tangled feelings on your behalf. In short do it with no expectations, that's all I guess. Good luck with the wedding and congrats :)

40

Re: Mother's day (mother in law)

Is this statement of yours for only this thread or it holds true in general too? I am curious to know.