it seems as if this relationship is universally cursed forever. Whereever you go, whichever culture you’re in, you’ll see that this rishta is one of the funniest and saddest of all. It has often been discussed here, but i can’t remember a seperate thread for it. Yet, especially in the desi culture it is so a talked about subject.
It seems as if both saas and bahoo have been programmed to fight with each other. HOw many times haven’t I seen that two ladies apparently having a good relation with each other, the one calling the other beti and vica versa ammi…yet soon after marriage (sometimes even the same day) the quarrels start. Soon they evolve into clearcut fights, and regularly they are the cause of a seperation.
What are you views why this relationship is always so tensed?
is it genetic? hormones?
I like to see it from a Freudian perspective: often around the time when her son is getting married, the saas in quesiton is approaching her menopause, the end of her fertility…and suddenly, from one day on the other, this healthy, young, FULL fertile (presumed) female lady steps in her house and all attention is paid to her. It is the aweful realization of the end of her fertility and concomittently seeing a successor that is the cause from the saas’s side
With respect to the bahoo, she often enters alien territory, and soon enough will get into contact with the ruler there. As with all juniors (in every aspect of life) they get easily impressed and intimidated by seniors. This insecurity leads to aggressive behavior from her side.
Nescio....
i think u r trying to approach it scientifically, which may be true in some cases but not in all
yes it is a relationship ....usually not a happy one ...but still there r many many examples of those who r quite settled in saas bahu relationship
in my view ...it has something to do with maturity ....not the physical one ...but mental maturity
i percieve myself as quite mature one ....(n many ppl who know me agree with that)...n so is my Mil....
..n i think Alhamdulillah i have best relationship with my saas ....n mind u ...i'm not a nai nawaylee dulhan ....its been 7 yrs now ....we lived together for two complete years ....my hubby wasn't there all the time ....he returned to holland n i lived there to wait for my papers ....not a single day can i remember when she degraded me ...or did smthing wrong to me ....n i know whenever i accompanied her somewhere n someone asked about me ...she told 'she is my daughter'
n well ....these were not only the words ....she meant it!
then i left pak,....but still she often shares many things with me which she doesn't discuss with her sons n in some cases not even with daughters .....
ask me how educated she is ....she can only read Quraan pak.....but still i know she is a really wise lady ....thats why we get along soooo well.....
it is often looked down upon in today's world that u r 'down to earth ....ppl love to call u door mat etc....but i think its a quality ....do good, have good!
i dunno if i made any sense here ....but this was wat i wanted to say on this topic!
My saas is awesome, I haven't been married very long but we haven't had any problems so far and inshallah I don't see us having huge problems anyway. I think two reasons why the relationship can be so volatile is when the saas is too attached to the son and wants to be an active part of his life like she was before he was married and when the son/husband is hesitant to step in between his mother and wife and tell his mother to give them some space and privacy cuz a lot of the times, mothers persist in wanting to make many of the guy's decisions. It's worse when a woman gets married and has to move into her husband's house and his parents are there because that puts her in a vulnerable position cuz for so long, the guy's mother has been the mistress of the house and now somebody else is kinda taking over that role. I think it takes a lot of tact and diplomacy from the guy to handle this properly, it's not just between the mother in law and wife.
one additional thing ive noticed is that when a woman has had a very difficult relation with her saas, there are signs that she won't repeat those mistakes once she becomes a saas. Every thing points that way, but some way or another, a lot of times she ends up being/doing the same thing as her saas did. Is it some kind of latent conditioning?
I think you're reading too much into this, there's no latent conditioning, nothing that's inherently problematic about this relationship. A lot of factors can make it problematic, when the mother in law has nothing going on in her life, no activities, no support, then a daughter in law can be a threat to a relationship between the mother and son because she won't have control over him any longer. If a woman has zero intimacy with her husband, or she has no social support, if she has a dependant relationship with her son, then the saas and bahoo will have problems.
I've never seen an emotionally secure, financially secure woman who keeps herself busy and realizes that when her son marries, then his priorities and responsibilities shift elsehwere , never seen that kinda woman have problems with her bahoo.
Oh yeah, just as an aside, one thing I've noticed is that when I ask my saas about my husband, like how he was as a baby, what his likes/dislikes are, what he likes to eat etc, then that gives her authority back and makes her realize that I KNOW that he was her son first and my husband second. So the onus is on the daughter in law to make the relationship a strong one and to not usurp roles, not that I have that problem alhumdolillah!
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*Originally posted by Sarah Splendor: *
Oh yeah, just as an aside, one thing I've noticed is that when I ask my saas about my husband, like how he was as a baby, what his likes/dislikes are, what he likes to eat etc, then that gives her authority back and makes her realize that I KNOW that he was her son first and my husband second. So the onus is on the daughter in law to make the relationship a strong one and to not usurp roles, not that I have that problem alhumdolillah!
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[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Sarah Splendor: *
My saas is awesome, I haven't been married very long but we haven't had any problems so far and inshallah I don't see us having huge problems anyway. I think two reasons why the relationship can be so volatile is when the saas is too attached to the son and wants to be an active part of his life like she was before he was married and when the son/husband is hesitant to step in between his mother and wife and tell his mother to give them some space and privacy cuz a lot of the times, mothers persist in wanting to make many of the guy's decisions. It's worse when a woman gets married and has to move into her husband's house and his parents are there because that puts her in a vulnerable position cuz for so long, the guy's mother has been the mistress of the house and now somebody else is kinda taking over that role. I think it takes a lot of tact and diplomacy from the guy to handle this properly, it's not just between the mother in law and wife.
That's what I've seen anyway.
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just to mention, this is random but, you know what that poem u really really like is about right?
I dont live with my mother i law but we don't have a
good relationship. She never want that i married her son but
it happend. But i know she dont really love me coz when i go to
Pk in January she said to her son if you come again in Pk you've
to come with you're sister not alone, she did not mention my name
once only her son and her daughter name i feel very sad for a while
coz it looks like she does'nt accept me in the family.
Nes I dont think it has anything to do with genetics.It has a lot more to do with logic. The mother carries the baby and raises him from the day he is born, then one day she -in a way- has to give him up to another woman.I think its hard for them to accept.They do get used to it eventually. They think they know whats best for the son, but the wife might have other plans.Its hard for them to understand how a person who has just come into the sons life- might know more than the mother.What makes it worse is when they put the son in the middle and make him choose between the two.I think its natural in families to be jealous of friends, spouses and others.Heck I get jealous when my bro goes to his friends with his problems instead of coming to me.
some positive examples have been given here by SS and Afia. They are nice to hear and hopefully it will stay that way, but one should not rule out the possibility that eventually things will take a turn as described. My statements just indicate a general pattern.
Anyway, it's very true about the mom seeing her son being 'snatched' by some stranger, and that causes tension.
But what about my Freudian explanation....us mein koi dhamm hai???
Nes we have just stated the main reasons for the problems between daughter and mother in laws.They are almost exactly like those you stated from a ' Freudian perspective.'
Do you want to further discuss the id, the ego, and the superego?
