One of my bajis was talking about this weekend when she went out with two Pakistani friends; she hadn’t seen them in a while, so the three of them thought they would all get together and hang out for some coffee.
Khair, what do you get when you put three desi females in one coffee shop? Of course they’re going to talk about guys So yeah that’s what they talked about. Baji was discussing that with Ammi later, and some thoughts crept into my mind while she was talking about it.
Her friends, by the by, i am not saying this to be mean but just as a fact, are both in their early to mid 30s and are not married. That’s cool with me, infact - i see myself in their shoes. But the thing that irked me, were their reasons. Both of them have grown up in Canada. Both have been “presented” to various families for rishta purposes. (That sounds like i am talking about cattle). You get my drift. In sum, these were the qualities they were looking for:
guy should NOT be a “fob”
guy should have some professional degree. They didn’t say it to my Baji, but the impression she recvd was that he should make a certain amount of baseline money per year; otherwise, his family might as well not send the rishta
preferred field guy should be in: medical
guy should be religious but not “too” religious
blah blah blah. Pata nahin kaafi lamba chauRa list tha.
Anyways, my baji was totally disgusted. While she was discussing it with our Ammi, i was thinking - why does our society create such unrealistic expectations? i can’t really blame just these two girls, because it’s our society (and what is “society” except what is created by individuals like me and you) that has ingrained in us that a doctor with a flourishing medical practice should be the ideal catch. ThoRa sa religious ho taakay you can use that to showoff to your more conservative rishtidaaron, but otherwise he should be cool and not be “too” religious. Definitely can’t be a fob - i mean, how could you be seen walking together while he is talking in that paindoo accent? And of course the money - that’s a must.
ugh. No wonder some of us are so messed up. Islam kai principles sai kitnay door a gayen hain. It’s really disgusting. oh yeah and i am not saying i am Ms. Saint dropped down from heaven. i have my prejudices too, but never once in my life have i ever refused a rishta based upon the guy’s accent/wealth (or lack of)/family background/ethnicity/field he is studying blah blah blah.
hahahah Irem :D Bilkul first class... Did you write that yourself? :~O
That reminds me, have you finished watching Alpha Bravo Charlie? You know what i was thinking. That guy who plays the character of "Gulsher" - you know, the one whom Shahnaz liked. Wasn't he awesome? He was my favourite character from the drama. They were two good contrasts - you had your typical guy with everything working for him in the character of Faraz (army wala, great career, massive wealth, family background was highly in his favour), then you had Gulsher who had nothing going for him (superficially anyways). But my fave character was Gulsher... i think he was a wonderful, wonderful person.
Guys also have shallow requirements Nadia, not just these girls, which I'm sure you are aware of.
As horrible as it is for me to say this, there's a reason why these girls are still single. To me, these "qualities" are just superficial and lack substance altogether.
nadzz yeah i did yaar im so bored my cousins have gone back n im missing em used to be shopping with them in the eveningz..
actually no yaar i havent finished watching that drama n dont want to coz i dont wana see khamakha a depressing ending, i have heard its sad
yah gulsher was cool yaar but i dono teeno hi theek thay, nadz u know what, Harris Zuberi and i discussed this issue in great detail in that thread of mine in shor
the important thing is they both have a similar background, it helps in later experiences in life
everyone has their own choices suited to their own lifestyles, thats why its important to marry someone who is similar to yourself
im not saying if hes a rocket scientist you have to be one as well, im saying the kind of ideals your families have, the way you both think, the level of thinking your on, it should be similar
without that you wont be compatible, and that wont help in making your marriage work
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by MehnazQ: *
Guys also have shallow requirements Nadia, not just these girls, which I'm sure you are aware of.
As horrible as it is for me to say this, there's a reason why these girls are still single. To me, these "qualities" are just superficial and lack substance altogether.
[/QUOTE]
I agree that both guys and girls have superficial "requirements".
However, I don't think it's entirely their fault. Many people in their
20s can't think for themselves. Their choices, or preferences in life,
were made or drilled into them by others. Friends. Families. Society.
How many times do we reject someone based on attributes that
"others" wouldn't approve of.
You are right Luxury Item, but at the same time, you think people would learn through experience that all these shallow requirements are not necessary in order to make one happy. sigh What you say about the society is true though; it has been ingrained in too many minds.
Xara, So you don’t think that ‘opposites attract’? By ‘level of thinking’, do you mean in their mentality or in their ‘backgrounds’ as well - like family backgrounds/wealth level, etc., should be similar to possibly avoid problems down the road?
M, i agree. That’s what my sister was saying - not to be mean, but i mean - with such high expectations, is it any wonder that they are not married. NOT that being single is wrong, i would never ever say that. That is totally cool with me. Many people choose to stay single, and that’s totally absolutely fine with me. But, if you WANT to get married & you have these expectations, it’s like - waiting for the knight in shining armour. It ain’t ever gonna arrive.
LuxuryItem, Until you walk in someone else’s shoes, you never know what the other is thinking and what challenging situation they may be in themselves. It’s like i tell my friends sometimes, walk in my shoes a 1000 miles, then you have the right to judge me.
What is wrong with the list that you have provided?
guy should NOT be a "fob"
Definitely. A fob will have a tough time living with an abcd and vice versa…unless both of them have had exposure of eachother’s environments then it is different. So if she prefers not to go through that ‘learning curve’ then that’s OK.
*guy should have some professional degree. They didn't say it to my Baji, but the impression she recvd was that he should make a certain amount of baseline money per year; otherwise, his family might as well not send the rishta *
Financial security is important…and majority of the times a professional degree helps…Everyone has to think of their security at some level…nothing wrong with that
*preferred field guy should be in: medical *
Ok so she has a preference…Maybe she has reasons for that as well. Maybe she doesn’t want to live with a guy in army or any other profession for that matter.
** guy should be religious but not "too" religious **
We all know what a pain in the arse ‘uneducated religious ppl’ synonymous to parhay likhay jahils can be like
I think it is good to know what you want ..doesn't matter if it takes a laundry list to organize and priortize your thoughts. You don't want to spoil someone else's life just cuz you don't know what you want.
Whats so superficial about this list, the money line was an assumption, and the rest is wrong why? You could also argue that some ppl are too afraid to set goals for their lives, especially when they're looking for a life partner. Why? You don't care about much as long as you have a man or do you have preferences? If so, how are they more valid than the provided list? A 30+ year old man or woman has lived half of their lives already, they know they don't wanna teach a fob how to dress and eat, basic stuff. That is what I think most females in the west are afraid of. You might as well just adopt a child and raise him/her instead of babysitting a grown up male. Try visiting an international airport for fun sometime and see what kinda ppl are imported. Sounds bad, right? Give it a try.
And why is focus on professional degree superficial, mind you most desis living in the west were not that well off in Pak or wherever they came from. They've seen their parents work day and night to build a life in the west and back home where you need big bungalows to satisfy your relatives as well. Why would any sane woman want to start from square one like her mother? What's wrong with some metal maturity that you hopefully have gained through your studies and career?
Medical is not that bad so why not :p
Religion is touchy, I guess what they mean is that guy should not expect her to wear hijjab or strictly follow all Islamic teachings. These females are honest to have admitted that this is a priority for them, most of us would just hope and pray that they don't end up with a Qazi Hussain wanna be. It is recommended by our religion that you get married to someone that is suitable, why live on a compromise? Whom are you trying to please, Allah swt? There's always an underlying, yet pretty valid possibility, ke when or if you get tired of your compromises you'll cross more limits than what you initially might have imagined. Why do you think so many desis are depressed?
Marriage is sunnah that should be treat with respect, if you care about your perfumes and bags, you should at least have an opinion about the person you will spend your life with. This doesn't fall under mashrique sharm-o-hayaa or behayaai, letting others decide for you just so you can come back crying every time you have a problem is idiocy, and mind you no-one cares as no one will ever be able to feel exactly what you're feeling. Its your life your responsibility.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Nadia_H: *
- guy should NOT be a "fob"
- guy should have some professional degree. They didn't say it to my Baji, but the impression she recvd was that he should make a certain amount of baseline money per year; otherwise, his family might as well not send the rishta
- preferred field guy should be in: medical
- guy should be religious but not "too" religious
[/QUOTE]
I agree with sabah, I don't see that as being particularly superficial. It's all pretty logical.
a) Guy should not be a "fob" - A girl who's lived or grown up in the West (which bring a certain set of values and norms) can easily see tension with being partnered with someone who grew up with, or has not yet transitioned away from, a different set of values and norms. Face it, desis here and back Home are different. Even my mother discourages people in the West from marrying their daughters to people from back Home, or newly arrived from back Home, though she has so such issues with sons marrying such people
b) Guy should have a professional degree - That's simply to do with both social status (people with degrees do get more respect than those without), demonstrated proof of intellectual capacity, and, above all, ability to provide a minimum level of material comfort to their family. The ability to provide fruitfully for a family is certainly an important quality in a husband.
c) Preferred field: Medical - this ties into the above point. It brings social status and respect, it brings the ability to provide well materially for a family, and as an added bonus, it brings the ability to physically look after the wife.
d) Guy should be religious but not too religious - this works on the assumption that being religious brings moral uprightness, whilst being "too religious" brings narrow-mindedness. It's pretty logical.
Girls usually forget life cant be lived with someone just mainly on those few things.
Sari umar ka sath, gum mein, sukh mein, har lamha, kisi ke doctor hone se ya good looking hone se kisi cheez ki guarantee to nahe milti. apna hath kisi ke hath mein dene se phele so chezein hoti hain. Kiya yeh shaks mera ho sakta hai meri family ka. kia yeh zindagi mein mujhe har pal kush rakh sakta hai.
Its true that girl looks for financial security, and if you dont feel attractive towards that person physically how can you live lifetime with them. But those things should be partially considered.
When you find a pure heart, a heart filled with purity and it has a feeling of love for you.
Two educated people who have love and love of Allah in them can live amazing life together.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by nia_khan: *
Girls usually forget life cant be lived with someone just mainly on those few things.
Sari umar ka sath, gum mein, sukh mein, har lamha, kisi ke doctor hone se ya good looking hone se kisi cheez ki guarantee to nahe milti. apna hath kisi ke hath mein dene se phele so chezein hoti hain. Kiya yeh shaks mera ho sakta hai meri family ka. kia yeh zindagi mein mujhe har pal kush rakh sakta hai.
Its true that girl looks for financial security, and if you dont feel attractive towards that person physically how can you live lifetime with them. But those things should be partially considered.
When you find a pure heart, a heart filled with purity and it has a feeling of love for you.
Two educated people who have love and love of Allah in them can live amazing life together.
[/QUOTE]
So yeah that’s what they talked about. Baji was discussing that with Ammi later, and some thoughts crept into my mind while she was talking about it.
i have my prejudices too, but never once in my life have i ever refused a rishta based upon the guy’s accent/wealth (or lack of)/family background/ethnicity/field he is studying blah blah blah.
yeah i did yaar im so bored 
my cousins have gone back n im missing em 
