Recently a friend of mine had a bouncing little baby boy. When I went to meet him, he had this blank look on his face and seemed a little confused. Now men don’t exactly talk about feelings but I thought that the occassion warranted a heart to heart. So I took him aside and asked him if anything was bothering him. Being a first time dad, he had many questions but the core issue was that he felt guilty for not being as excited as he should have been.
In this age of mass media, we are all bombarded with people telling us how we should be feeling at each and every major event in our life. The birth of a child is supposed to be ‘magical’ and he/she would be the ‘most beautiful thing you would’ve ever seen’ and there should be this ‘instant bond’ looking in to their eyes you just know that ‘this is a continuation of the life and experiences that have been passed on to you as a trust from your ansestors’ … etc etc etc.
So getting back to the poor guy, i told him that when the nurse put my son in my arms after the C section, i thought he was the ugliest thing i had ever seen. Infact i wanted to slap the little monster for putting my wife through all this pain. She was in front of me, cut open and crying. After the initial shock subsided, i still couldn’t hold the little guy 'cause i felt guilty for ‘not loving’ him. He was wrinkly, hairy, noisy and I absolutely hated myself for thinking that way.
So how long did this hate/hate relationship last? For me it lasted about six months. I don’t know exactly when but he finally did end up being the Most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. So when my 2nd boy came along, I was a lot more comfortable since i knew exactly how to feel (the way i wanted to and not what Oprah told me.)
You point out an important challenge of living in the postModern world. We are so often bombarded with images of how we are supposed to feel in certain moments, how we are meant to react, that we lose touch with who we actually are. There are few authentic experiences left for those of us living in a world constantly molded by television, internet, newspapers, books, etc.
We need to remain honest and open to sharing our personal stories, without attempting to make them generalizations and cliches. Thanks for sharing, Stork. :k:
I agree with the idea that we are "forced" to feel a certain way. most likely, wat we feel, short of u know...wanting to kill someone literally...is normal.
well to contour that, I can tell you my own story here. when my son was born, we didnt know it was a boy or girl.
just three weeks ago my recent job change ended up in disaster, the company i joined went near bust and i was made redundant in the process. i didnt tell my wife about it until well after the birth of my son.
i was depressed at the time, worried about future and the new addition to my family, comforting my wife at the same time.
my son was also born by c- section. and when i saw him first time, he might by not so clean lump of flesh. but i absolutely loved it, i didnt feel compelled to like him. and it was one of the best thing ever happened to me ever. the bond grew later but from day one he made me emotional and i am still love him more than anything, second son arrival wasnt like the first one, and i think his presence will sunk in will take time as i am still attached to the first one.
it may be cause i was emotionally fragile at the time, and he was best thing happened in those depressing days to me. things didnt stay bad for long and i got he next good and stable job after 1 month of his arrival.
Stork, my husband took 8 months and he was totally honest about it :) He loved picking up and holding our daughter, playing with her and all but he didn't have those father-like feelings for her for the first 8 months (according to him).
Stork, you are awesome for saying this. I've been saying it to everyone since my daughter came along. Neither one of us had the instant bliss moment with our daughter, in fact the first three months were very tough and we were questioning our decision to have a child. It was after the first three months that we fell absolutely in love with her and today she is our life. You are right, they need to talk to people about these feelings. We both felt like horrible parents for thinking what we thought, but I warned all my friends about it, so they're good.