Recently, I had a major argument with my husband. Little things were building up and after eight months of build-up, the fight erupted when yet another trigger went off and this time around I did not hold myself back and practice sabr (which btw I think is marvellous. My husband’s nana, who is a gem of a person, told me at the time of the nikah when I sat by his knee for his blessing that if he was to give me any advice whatsoever in life, it was to practice sabr. In his words, "beta hamesha sabr ikhtiyar karna zindagi me. Allah sabireen ke sath hen). I really try to live upto that and mashallah se it does serve a person well.
Anyway, so the fight was major. In the sense that noone saw it coming since I do my best to stay positive and for them (my family and the husband) to see me adamantly sticking to my guns and stating what issues I had, refusing to be derailed from them without a staunch resolution to the core issue, was, to say the least, appalling.
Yet when tempers flare, so do egos. I noticed that in the fight/argument. And I noticed that the ego would come in the way of any resolution. It was exactly so after the two hour break we (the couple) took to cool off, when we sat down to discuss things, he did not say anything at all. Realising it might be a matter of hurt pride, I conceded first.
I conceded that maybe I was wrong in the way I stated things, and was sorry if I hurt him by the way I said things but he had hurt me as well. It took just that much for communication lines to open and him to begin talking. It was as if he wouldn’t speak until I spoke first. Perhaps I jumped the gun, but I learned a valuable lesson right there.
In relationships that matter, one has to really make sure that no ego intervenes, because that really complicates matters. My admission of wrongdoing made it easier for him to focus on what he might’ve done wrong. It opened up the way for healthy communication. I wonder what would have happened had I not done so. Perhaps we would still be in a cold war of sorts.
Has it been like that for anyone else? Have you tried admitting your own mistakes in fights you have with people you love? Taking the first step? How has it worked out for you?
@ Demesne. I think that shows a very positive trait in you. Well done. We can keep guarded with our false egos but in the end whose at loss? US. So i salute you for not letting your ego come in the way of your relationship. I am sure you are intelligent enough to understand when to let go and when to not, that is the most important thing always. One shouldnt be a dormat and neither an egoistic person. So i am sure you are gonna have a peaceful married life and otherwise too. Wish you well.
Demesne, I love your post. Thank you for sharing, this is a lesson im learning right now..."Allah sabireen ke sath hen" - have to keep this with me always
@ Demesne. I think that shows a very positive trait in you. Well done. We can keep guarded with our false egos but in the end whose at loss? US. So i salute you for not letting your ego come in the way of your relationship. I am sure you are intelligent enough to understand when to let go and when to not, that is the most important thing always. One shouldnt be a dormat and neither an egoistic person. So i am sure you are gonna have a peaceful married life and otherwise too. Wish you well.
Demesne, I love your post. Thank you for sharing, this is a lesson im learning right now..."Allah sabireen ke sath hen" - have to keep this with me always
Thanks Escapist! It is a very valuable lesson indeed, you can't go wrong with it
I have been learning better ways of "fighting". These are the rules I/we are following:
A complaint can not be phrased negatively that the other person gets defensive.
Re-assurance with complaints that we're not enemies here, we care about each other and that both of us want happiness for the two of us. (This comes with a realization that I can't be happy [in the relationship] if he isn't and vice versa.)
We are allowed to show our anger by shouting/yelling, as long as we're not insulting/trying to hurt the other person (when you're not trying to hurt the other person, yelling happens rarely).
When one is speaking, the other HAS to listen and try to understand what is being said. The listener is then supposed to reiterate what was said to ensure they get it.
If strong feelings emerge, we take a break to calm ourselves down. And then communicate what that feeling was and what made us feel that way.
We still hurt each other, get defensive and yell at each other sometimes, but as soon as one of us realizes the rules are being broken, we fix it right away.
My struggle right now is to make sure I emphasize my issue/complaint properly and not let it fizzle away as soon as my anger fizzles.
