Ok, i would like to share a problem that i haven’t yet been able to resolve…and i need ur help to put an END to this horrible life.
I got married 4 months ago. My husband is still in Pakistan and i am in UK,completing my Alevels at college. My hubby – praise be to Allaah – fears Allaah with regard to the way he treats me, but I have a psychological complex because of a father who did not fear Allaah with regard to me, my siblings and my mother, which created resentment in my heart and in my siblings’ hearts towards him. Even though I have got married,i still do live with my parents,as i have to prepare for my husbands sponsor/visa. I cannot help but be upset because of my mother’s and siblings’ suffering. They are still suffering and that affects the way I treat my husband who respects me, but his patience sometimes runs out when he calls me & me am so sad most of the time and he thinks that I like to be miserable. What should I do? Also, my siblings and I cannot respect my father because of the way he has treated us; what should we do to rid ourselves of our resentment towards him? We try to respect him, but he does not respect anyone and he suffers from a complex whereby he hates everyone who is better than him, and he loves to show off and to stand out, i.e., he wants to show people that he owns a great deal even though he does not own anything, rather he is in debt of treating his family properly in way of Sunnah.
I hope that you understand my situation
&can help me to solve this problem…i’m seriously confused.
Have you told your husband about the problem with your father? Perhaps if he knew, then he would be a bit more understanding of why you treat him the way you do. In addition, he could actually help you deal with it a lot better than any of us can.
Also, have you spoken to your father about his behaviour. You have nothing to fear from him. I’m assuming that he isn’t physically abusive; it’s more mental/emotional abuse.
Communication is the key. Don’t shut your father out of your life. You should, however, let it be known how you feel … with all of your siblings and mother beside you. In situations like this, I don’t think staying quiet while watching those you love suffer is the best option. It could also be healthier for you to just get everything off of your chest. At the moment, you seem to be expressing yourself in more negative ways towards others who really have nothing to do with the problem (i.e. your husband). It isn’t really fair on him. Talk to him. Tell him what is going on and why you behave the way you do. Talk to your father as well. I’m positive your husband will stand by you 150% of the way. You will find strength and confidence to face this problem.
Yes, i have spoken to my father about all this, he just refuses to listen/do anything about it.
And i’m worried if my hubby knew about it,he’ll just get more worried.and he can’t do anything to help as he’s so so far way…and if my dad finds out that my hubby knows, he’ll go even ballistic! he may refuse to speak to him…
my mom wants us to be patient, everything will be fine.
But how, if we’re being tortured day by day,by his mood.
Again, I would confide in your husband if I were you. At the moment, he has no idea why you are behaving the way you are. If you tell him, it will shed some light on the situation. This problem is not only affecting your family life, it is also affecting your married life by the sounds of it.
Make it clear to him that you are only telling him cause you want his comfort and support, but at the same time, you don't want him interfering. This is your problem. These are your parents. So, ask him not to say or do anything about it. I don't see how your father will find out unless you or your hubby tell him.
Anyway, if you have already spoken to your father and there is no change in his attitude, then there really is little else you can do about it. He has to realise for himself in order for him to make any genuine change.
Getting depressed is not going to help your mother or your siblings. If you are doing your A-Levels i'm sure you are stressed enough as it is. I do believe that you have to try and make some alteration to your life yourself. Your dad doesn't sound like he will be changing any time soon. If you want to get out of this depressive funk, then it seems like you will have to make all the efforts yourself. Do things that YOU want to do. Spend time with your siblings outside of the home. It is quite possible!
Khair, you could also just be patient and wait till your hubby arrives ... move out and be away from the negative hostility. That won't be any time soon though.
It would be a mistake on your part to confide in your husband about your father’s attitude…The situations and problems of the ‘maika’ should stay in maika and the problems of the ‘susraal’ should stay in susraal…Divulging secrets from one household to the other results in a situation of mistrust between the two household members…However, the susraal’s problems can be discussed by the mother as she is the best advisor on how to do what…
You are fortunate that you are married to a husband who loves you and you don’t need to disclose anything to him about your father’s antics…If your father is abusive, let your husband know to steer clear of him as you know he has a bad temper, but no need to tell him that your father is also disrespectful towards you and your family…Instead put up a brave front and honour the house from which you came, despite your father…Your family’s reputation is in your hands…
You are now married Alhumdulillah, so it falls upon you to cheer your family up and hope and make dua for a better future…On no account let your susraalis know about your father’s behaviour towards you, because in the long run, it might come back to haunt you…
Whatever happens, do not disrespect your father for those who disrepect their parents, their children in turn disrespect them, instead do what is humanly possible by you to forgive your father, even if you can’t, do not be harsh to him or say something to hurt him…
Confiding in the husband does not necessarily mean that his entire khandaan will find out about it and look down upon her and her family. If you trust him to keep it to himself, then I would tell him if I were you. If you don't trust him enough and think he is the type to run to his mama and tell her everything, then I ask why you are married to him. I am not in favour of keeping secrets between spouses. THAT is what creates mistrust and distance. At the moment, your husband has no idea why you are treating him like crap. Keep that in mind.
I believe in Britain, there are help hotlines for desi women who are suffering physical/psychological abuse. Before assuming a confrontational posture with your father, discuss the matter with a counsellor as they have the experience with such cases and knowledge of resource (social services etc) that might be helpful to your case. Good luck.
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*Originally posted by Lajawab: *
It would be a mistake on your part to confide in your husband about your father's attitude...The situations and problems of the 'maika' should stay in maika and the problems of the 'susraal' should stay in susraal
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Errrmmm, aren't you supposed to share ur pain/happiness/worries etc with your husband? WHat is the bloody use of getting married then? Just to make babies?
Confide in your husband, tell him why u feel depressed all the time. It's always better to share with someone then to keep quiet and let the anger built up in you.
Seek for help, like LuxuryItem said. Insh'Allah things will go well!
Women’s Aid 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline:
Telephone: 08457 023 468
Email: [email protected]
Post: P.O.Box 391, Bristol, BS99 7WS
Nobody is telling you to leave home, but talking to someone who is experienced in these matters may help. Remember, it is confidential so you don’t need to fear about your father finding out.
Dont feel guilty abotu living your life.
Its okay that your life isnt the way your mom's was and is.
Understand that they can take care of themselves and that they really are the only people who can help themselves.
BUT be sure you play your role as a daughter and sister to everyone.
This is such a common situation in desi families, your really not alone.
Trust is the key for any relationship to prosper however, it takes time and conscious effort to build. It is a tricky situation as we don’t know the temperament of your husband nor do we know how much time you guys have spent together to build this relationship. If you are unsure of your husband’s reaction then you should hold on till he comes over. In the meantime, it is essential that you make an effort to sound pleasant on the phone and gain your hubby’s confidence and trust. It might be hard for you considering the circumstances you are dealing with but that is life.
Learning to live with people is a part of growing up. You should not tell your dad to take a hike. Your objective shouldn’t be to change your dad but to live with your dad till your husband comes and then move out without burning any bridges. abhi to zindagi shoroo howi hai behn meriay
guys arent like girls they keep things to themselves and think them thru (in most cases) unlike girls who talk them thru with someone
i suggest u wait till ure husband come from PK then tell him, as for ure dad just take whatever he does lightly, im not sure what it is exactly but how can u live a miserable life bcos of one person??
relax with everyone else, take things easy
have u ever lost temper with him? i mean gave him a lecture?
Thanks for you replies ^^^ i appreciate your comments and u all have helped me be less tense and brought some of my self-confidence back…
Meanwhile, i’m just taking it slowly & trying to keep steer clear -out of my dads way.May perhaps consider external courage if things go even bad…For now, i Just gotta stay patient…“Allah behtar kare ga”…
