Hi All,
Now, I am engaged, and in all honesty, with a pure heart I literally do everything that I possibly can to keep her happy.. Yet, if shes still showing me attitude or making me feel uncomfortable or making me feel stressed out what should I do?
*Why is your future MIL showing you an attitude? Usually the claws don't come out until after the wedding....and here, she's getting a head start. How come? Is she not thrilled about the match? Was it a love marriage? Does she feel threatened that you're going to steal her son away from her? She may not voice this fear/insecurity...but it's often a root cause. If that's the case....then you can try inviting her when you're with your fiance. Don't just stick to him all the time....try to bond with her as well. You can only do so much and if she persists in having a negative attitude, that's her problem. You can't change or control her....you can only change the way you react to her. You can either choose to make her attitude your daily headache for the rest of your life and be eternally stressed over it. Or you can remain calm and not let her get under your skin (because that could be what she wants.....so don't let her win).
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I seriously am starting to feel - when you do a lot of good things etc people start taking that person for granted and expect much much more?
This happens when no boundaries are established in a relationship...and all relationships have boundaries (even the ones with your immediate family and closest friends). Perhaps you're not aware that you might be giving her the impression that you're bending over backwards to please her. I think it's human nature.....that when we see someone "trying too hard"....it can turn us off because there's a sense of desperation that comes with it. That "trying too hard" and "being tooooo eager to please" can be associated with a lack of confidence......and not only can this sometimes be a turn-off.....the other person can think that you can be easily taken advantage. So, have some confidence and set boundaries. For example, you don't have to bend over backwards to meet her and be there at her every beck and call. You can tend to your own activities. You don't have to agree with her every opinion....you can also choose to remain silent. You don't have to give into her every wish, you can work with her to reach a middle ground. You can go ahead with your own plans even if she has an attitude....because it's impossible to please everyone at all times.This will show her that you're a confident individual that can't be taken for a ride.
I don't mind stepping down and doing t hings to make her happy etc, but when you get no feeling of appreications but rather attitude what are you suppose to feel?
*Okay, it's good to step down SOMETIMES in order to compromise. But...you shouldn't be stepping down all the time. Sometimes we have to compromise to keep relationships together....not necessarily to gain praise or appreciation. Don't expect praise from her....she's not obligated to give it. You have plenty of people in your life that appreciate and praise you (your family, your fiance, your friends, etc) and they more than make up for your MIL. The lack of one or two people's praise will not make life meaningless for you. Don't show her through your body language that you're hungry for her praise.....that desperation can be taken advantage of. *
I feel like I have this constant pressure/stress associated with me, and I feel so heavy headed :(
*I think sometimes WE create stress for ourselves with our own assumptions and perspectives. IF we change our thinking a bit, we might find some relief. Look, she's your MIL........but she didn't bring you into this world, she didn't raise you or pay your bills. Are you even going to be living with her after marriage? If not.....then that makes life easier. She doesn't have to like you. She may never like you. You can't spend the rest of your life trying to change her mind. You don't need to go out of your way to please her........when simple respect is more than enough. Don't put her on a pedestal.
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I am in last yr of uni and working full time, and I already have too much on my plate then this on top make things worse..
You're making this WORSE for yourself, sweetheart. Your MIL (as difficult as she may be) is not preventing you from studying or working is she? It's YOU who is letting yourself be consumed with thoughts about her.........she may not even be thinking much about you. When the woman is not around......by all means....concentrate on school and work and your friends and family. Only deal with her when she's around.
My fiance is aware of these things, and tell me not to worry, but I don't know I just do?
**If your MIL is giving you an attitude.......has he noticed it? Telling you not to worry....is not very comforting (IMO) because to me...that sounds almost I dunno ...passive (for lack of a better word). Sometimes it takes more than words to solve a problem...it can require constructive action as well.
** Should I care that much? Or should I do what I can do, and if shes doing otherwise thats her prob?
You should respect her and care about her........by there's no need to bend over backward to please her. There's no need to surrender to her every time she's miffed about something. When parents see that their child is pouting and acting bratty......do they given into the child's every wish. No, they don't. Sometimes a person can give you a negative attitude as a way of emotional black mail to try an scare you or manipulate you. Have the confidence to say "NO"....and to be "unavailable"....and to do your own "man-maani" sometimes. There's no gunnah in it, you're an adult.
Should I worry and Should I take un necessary stress..
You're already taking unnecessary stress. You should stop. If you show your fiance that you will bend over backward to please his mother......then who knows.............HE may get used to your weakness and expect YOU to always surrender to his mother. You teach people how to treat you. If you act confident now........then HE and his mother will get the message that you can't be taken advantage of.
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