Admitting Mistakes:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted
that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.
Bathrooms:
A man has six items in his bathroom – a toothbrush, toothpastem, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The
average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items and what they are used
for.
Cameras:
Men take photography very seriously. They’ll shell out $4000 for state-
of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes.
Women purchase Kodak Instamatics, and often produce better-looking shots.
Cheerleaders:
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American. Male
cheerleaders are scary.
Comedy:
Let’s say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching
television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately,
the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try
to imitate the actions of Curly, man’s favorite Stooge. The women will
roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.
Conversation:
Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., “Wow, great movie.”,
“What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size.”, “Well,
maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys”, etc. Women, not
having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying
something agreeable “That garden by the roadside looks lovely.” “Mmhmm.”
Pause. “That was a good restaurant last night, wasn’t it?” “Yeah.”
Pause. And so on.
Directions:
If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar
surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men
consider this to be a sign of weakness. A man will never stop and ask
for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while
saying things like, “Looks like I’ve found a new way to get there,” and,
“I know I’m in the neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store.”
Dressing Up:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail… A man will dress
up for: weddings, funerals. Women dress up, not to be attractive to men,
but so they will be noticed by other women. Ask a man what color dress a
woman wore last night. He won’t remember.
Eating Out:
When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20
bills, even though it’s only for $22.50. None of them will have anything
smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the
girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
Friends:
Women on a girls’ night out talk the whole time. Men on a boys’ night out
say about twenty words all night, most of which are “Pass the Doritos” or
“Got any more beer?”
Garages:
Women use garages to parke their cars and to store their lawnmowers. Men
use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they
watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.
Getting Ready To Go Out:
Women will try on several outfits to make sure they are the right color.
Men smell their clothes before putting them on.
Going Out:
When a man says he’s ready to go out, it means he’s ready to go out.
When a woman says she’s ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready
to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on
her makeup…
Groceries:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store
and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge
are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout
counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett’s car on Beverly
Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the
10-items-or-less lane. A woman will buy enough food for a week. A man
will buy enough food for less than a day.
Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their
“i’s” with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in
their “p’s” and “g’s”. It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman.
Even when she’s dumping you, she’ll put a smiley face at the end of the
note.
Hemlines:
A man will remember how short a woman’s dress was, for years. A woman
will remember what color it was.
Jewelry:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing
one ring and that’s it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge
singer named Vic. Men would wear earrings if they could remember “is it
the left ear that means you’re gay and the right ear that means you are
heterosexual, or …”
Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of
clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of
clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and
take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat, and expect to meet a
beautiful woman while he is there.
Leg Warmers:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she’s walking the dog or doing the
dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she
wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the
“Gimme the Ball” number in “A Chorus Line.”
Locker Rooms:
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and
women. They exaggerate about money, they don’t know football nearly as
well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. Not in abstract
terms, either. They’re graphic and technical, and they never lie.
Low Blows:
Let’s say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television,
and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says “Oh,
gee, that must hurt.” The man doubles over and actually feels pain.
Magazines:
Men’s magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women’s magazines
also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is
a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should
not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a
naked woman’s body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.
Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function
as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and
giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school
romances rarely work out. A woman is fully capable of running a family
and holding a job at age 18. Men start growing up sometime after age 40.
Menopause:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree
of the changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a
uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and
leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an expensive foreign sports
car and a mistress half his age.
Mirrors:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are
ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface
- mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola’s head…
Movies:
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien
Leigh for the first time in “Gone With The Wind.” For men, it’s when
Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark’s face in “Public Enemy.”
Mustaches:
Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There
are no women who look good with mustaches.
Nicknames:
With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names
like “Ultimate Pecs” and “Big Turk,” women eschew the use of nicknames.
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they
will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike,
Dave and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to
each other as Bullet-Head, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.
Nudity In The Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This
is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men.
Few actors have appeared nude in the movies. One actor who has is
Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and
favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely
aware of some short people living in the house. A man has to be reminded
of his kids’ birthdays.
Plants:
A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The
man will water the plants. The woman returns five days later, to an
apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
Politics:
Men love to talk about politics, but they often forget to do political
things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of
Kennedys is growing up and getting into politics, because they will be
able to campaign for them and cry on election night.
Relationships:
First of all, a man does not call a relationship – he refers to it as
“that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular basis”. When
a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled “All Men Are Idiots”. Then
she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, “I just
wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and
I hate you, and you’re a total floozy. But I want you to know that
there’s always a chance for us.” This is known as the “I Hate You/I Love
You” drunken phone call, and 99% if all men have made at least once.
There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this
need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.
Restrooms:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as
social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other.
Women who’ve never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old
friends.
Richard Gere:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate
Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works out at
the health club and dates only married women.
Sex:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
Shoes:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip
on Reebok sneakers. She wil carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from
Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five
minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.
A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
Socks:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women
wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of
clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
Sport Arenas:
Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and arenas. The
women usually end up following men.
The Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone
to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend
for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and
they will talk for three hours.
Time:
When a woman says she’ll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she’s
using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football games’s
just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs,
commercials, or replays.
Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of
11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with
toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and
impractical. Examples of mens toys: miniature TV’s, car phones,
complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots the
serve cocktails on command, video games, and anything that blinks, beeps
and requires at least six “D” batteries to operate.
Weddings:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the “ceremony.” Men
talk about “the bachelor party.”